Trying to rip the blinders off. Trying to work up the courage to walk away, in part because I am not strong enough to give someone space if I want to be with them.
So this is an angry post, because right now I need to be angry:
What you've done to me:
* Convinced me to be faithful to you for four months while you were gone away.
* Made me dream about the day you'd be home, and buy clothes and prepare things for all these plans that we made. Movies we'd see...restaurants we'd visit..clubs we'd go to.
* Made me open my heart to your family... your sister, your parents, your extended family, and especially your nieces and nephew
* Lied to me about your whereabouts
* Made me feel like I'm not good enough because you chose this woman, who has cheated on you and fucked up your head so badly. Clearly, there is something wrong with me. At least, that's how I feel.
* Put me in so much emotional pain that it feels physical. I can't eat because I'm constantly nauseous. I can't sleep because I'm plagued by dreams. The physical pain in my chest hurts so much that I got a tattoo on my back yesterday, and I didn't flinch. not once.
* Made me love you. Made me believe, and I still do, that you love me too. Made me question WHY this is NOT enough.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Sorry for my leave of absence. I'm back however, and unfortunately things are not going well.
Apache came home for his 15-day leave on the 13. I picked him up at the airport, we had dinner, and had a great night in the hotel. We went out with friends on the 15th and the 16th, and spent both those nights together.
Before he had come home, he had told me he was going to need a few days to himself, and he said he planned on going to Maine for the weekend. My first hint that something was going on: he didn't want me to stay with him Friday night. Said he had to get up early to go up to Maine. Perturbed, I let it slide especially since he promised me that I would spend the night with him Tuesday night.
He goes to Maine, and I just get this feeling that something is not right. Number one, his trip to Maine happened to fall on DogFace's days off (they have a four-off, four-on rotation). Number Two, I see Jay driving past my house alone. I talk to him Monday night, and he says that he will be home from Maine on Tuesday around noon and he'll pick me up at 3.
On Tuesday, he comes home from Maine and picks me up to take me to his aunt's house for dinner. I have a bag packed, but he tells me that he is still really wiped out, and wants to be alone that night as well. What.the.fuck. Now I KNOW something is going on. We go to his aunt's and he shows everyone that tattoo that he has gotten. In his hometown. on Monday. So now I know he's lying, and I can pretty much figure out what is going on.
We get in his car, and I go to punch into the GPS the address of the movie theater we are in route to. Last address punched in? a hotel in his hometown.
So, I confront him because now I know. The conversation pretty much entails him telling me he's in love with me. and in love with her. and he just can't be with us both anymore. Guess who wants him back? Yeah, Dogface. And he's married to her. He's not married to me.
So, I cry, and plead, and beg. Because I know he's making a MAJOR mistake. And I do some not-so-cool things. Like call Jay and DogFace and scream at them. DogFace ends up figuring out that Apache has been dating me. And she freaks. Tells him she wants a divorce. and begs Jay to take her back. Jay won't take her back until she files for divorce, which hopefully will happen next week.
Where does that leave me? Apache is incredibly guilt ridden because he's convinced everything is his fault. Her leaving him in the first place? His fault for joining the army and going to boot camp. Her leaving him for good? his fault because he was weak and didn't have "strength, courage, and faith. The strength to wait, the courage to be alone, and the faith in what {he}had would come back. {He} failed at all three miserably". His fault for lying to me to protect me from being hurt.
Where does that leave me? I don't honestly know. I love him. He and I met yesterday at a park and I gave him a letter I wrote which basically said that I understand he's in pain. I understand he loves her, and I knew that the day would come when she would try to take him back, and the day would come when he would have to get over it. I understand he needs time to heal and process. And I said that I wanted to be here for him. That I hope we can be together again when he is free to be with me-- emotionally and legally. he hugged me. Told me he loved me. That he just is in so much pain he just needs to be alone.
I felt better about things after that. Then I did what I shouldn't have done. I hate being a stupid girl. I texted him this morning asking him if he thought we would be together some day. And he lost it --told me he was in so much pain he couldn't deal with this. That he needs for me to leave him alone.
But I'm in pain too. I miss him. He was my best friend and my days feel so empty without him. I want to try and help him get better. Wanna show him that I'm here and I wouldn't do that to him. That he needs to stop feeling so guilty about this because its not all his fault. That's why I texted. But I can't do that anymore. If I keep doing that I'm just going to drive him away from me.
I'm shitty at this giving space thing. Advice?
Apache came home for his 15-day leave on the 13. I picked him up at the airport, we had dinner, and had a great night in the hotel. We went out with friends on the 15th and the 16th, and spent both those nights together.
Before he had come home, he had told me he was going to need a few days to himself, and he said he planned on going to Maine for the weekend. My first hint that something was going on: he didn't want me to stay with him Friday night. Said he had to get up early to go up to Maine. Perturbed, I let it slide especially since he promised me that I would spend the night with him Tuesday night.
He goes to Maine, and I just get this feeling that something is not right. Number one, his trip to Maine happened to fall on DogFace's days off (they have a four-off, four-on rotation). Number Two, I see Jay driving past my house alone. I talk to him Monday night, and he says that he will be home from Maine on Tuesday around noon and he'll pick me up at 3.
On Tuesday, he comes home from Maine and picks me up to take me to his aunt's house for dinner. I have a bag packed, but he tells me that he is still really wiped out, and wants to be alone that night as well. What.the.fuck. Now I KNOW something is going on. We go to his aunt's and he shows everyone that tattoo that he has gotten. In his hometown. on Monday. So now I know he's lying, and I can pretty much figure out what is going on.
We get in his car, and I go to punch into the GPS the address of the movie theater we are in route to. Last address punched in? a hotel in his hometown.
So, I confront him because now I know. The conversation pretty much entails him telling me he's in love with me. and in love with her. and he just can't be with us both anymore. Guess who wants him back? Yeah, Dogface. And he's married to her. He's not married to me.
So, I cry, and plead, and beg. Because I know he's making a MAJOR mistake. And I do some not-so-cool things. Like call Jay and DogFace and scream at them. DogFace ends up figuring out that Apache has been dating me. And she freaks. Tells him she wants a divorce. and begs Jay to take her back. Jay won't take her back until she files for divorce, which hopefully will happen next week.
Where does that leave me? Apache is incredibly guilt ridden because he's convinced everything is his fault. Her leaving him in the first place? His fault for joining the army and going to boot camp. Her leaving him for good? his fault because he was weak and didn't have "strength, courage, and faith. The strength to wait, the courage to be alone, and the faith in what {he}had would come back. {He} failed at all three miserably". His fault for lying to me to protect me from being hurt.
Where does that leave me? I don't honestly know. I love him. He and I met yesterday at a park and I gave him a letter I wrote which basically said that I understand he's in pain. I understand he loves her, and I knew that the day would come when she would try to take him back, and the day would come when he would have to get over it. I understand he needs time to heal and process. And I said that I wanted to be here for him. That I hope we can be together again when he is free to be with me-- emotionally and legally. he hugged me. Told me he loved me. That he just is in so much pain he just needs to be alone.
I felt better about things after that. Then I did what I shouldn't have done. I hate being a stupid girl. I texted him this morning asking him if he thought we would be together some day. And he lost it --told me he was in so much pain he couldn't deal with this. That he needs for me to leave him alone.
But I'm in pain too. I miss him. He was my best friend and my days feel so empty without him. I want to try and help him get better. Wanna show him that I'm here and I wouldn't do that to him. That he needs to stop feeling so guilty about this because its not all his fault. That's why I texted. But I can't do that anymore. If I keep doing that I'm just going to drive him away from me.
I'm shitty at this giving space thing. Advice?
Friday, April 2, 2010
My philosophy on life circa April 2010
My philosophy on life these days is the same as my philosophy on running on the elliptical: keep your head down, focus on doing it the best you can, and know that each second ticking by brings you closer to the end.
My life has been so busy these days. I started coaching softball, and while I love being outdoors playing in the dirt with the kids, practice adds 2+ hours to my day. I get out of work at 2:30, practice til 4:30, then off to the gym til about 6:30 or 7. I feed Magic on my way home from the gym, and then get home. I had been waiting until I got home to eat dinner, but that was wrecking havoc on my blood sugar (I'm Hypoglycemic). So now I pack breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me in the morning, and eat dinner after practice and before the gym.
At least, I try to get to the gym:
There has been no softball and gym for most of this week due to the intense amounts of rain here in northeast Connecticut. As many of you may have seen on the news, there has been a crazy amount of flooding here. Luckily, my town was spared the flooding, but some of my friends and family weren't so lucky. It's odd because I just turned in my thesis proposal a few weeks ago to write a book based upon the great flood of 1955, that totally wiped out large areas of this state. The amount of rain we have gotten in the past week exceeds the rain sent down by that flood. Were it not for a network of dams put in after the flood of '55, the flooding would have been even more widespread.
I find sporadic moments during the day to do grad school work (planning periods, after I get home from work, if softball is canceled). I always feel like I'm playing "catch-up" with one area of my life or another. We have the day off for "Good Friday" and I am at my dad's office working on, what else?, grad school work. It feels like a never ending task but I learned in college to just keep my head down and tackle one thing at a time.
I'm tackling one day at time. Missing Apache terribly these days, especially since it's getting warm, and I'm totally an adventurer when it gets warm: ie: let's drive to the beach, let's road trip, let's go for a hike...sort of thing. Wishing he was here to adventure with me. :-/ He comes home in less than a month, so I know that each time I fall asleep alone it means one less day until he comes home. And I know that this is just a 5k compared to the marathon that lies between his leave and when he comes home for good. 6 months. *whistles* wow.
That's my life. in a nutshell. sorry for the lack of posting lately-- we have been put on notice that computers at work are to be used for school-related business only, and yes they are checking. So that means no more 20sb, or Blogger, or even opening my personal email at work. NOTHING.
My life has been so busy these days. I started coaching softball, and while I love being outdoors playing in the dirt with the kids, practice adds 2+ hours to my day. I get out of work at 2:30, practice til 4:30, then off to the gym til about 6:30 or 7. I feed Magic on my way home from the gym, and then get home. I had been waiting until I got home to eat dinner, but that was wrecking havoc on my blood sugar (I'm Hypoglycemic). So now I pack breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me in the morning, and eat dinner after practice and before the gym.
At least, I try to get to the gym:
The entrance to my gym on Tuesday.
There has been no softball and gym for most of this week due to the intense amounts of rain here in northeast Connecticut. As many of you may have seen on the news, there has been a crazy amount of flooding here. Luckily, my town was spared the flooding, but some of my friends and family weren't so lucky. It's odd because I just turned in my thesis proposal a few weeks ago to write a book based upon the great flood of 1955, that totally wiped out large areas of this state. The amount of rain we have gotten in the past week exceeds the rain sent down by that flood. Were it not for a network of dams put in after the flood of '55, the flooding would have been even more widespread.
I find sporadic moments during the day to do grad school work (planning periods, after I get home from work, if softball is canceled). I always feel like I'm playing "catch-up" with one area of my life or another. We have the day off for "Good Friday" and I am at my dad's office working on, what else?, grad school work. It feels like a never ending task but I learned in college to just keep my head down and tackle one thing at a time.
I'm tackling one day at time. Missing Apache terribly these days, especially since it's getting warm, and I'm totally an adventurer when it gets warm: ie: let's drive to the beach, let's road trip, let's go for a hike...sort of thing. Wishing he was here to adventure with me. :-/ He comes home in less than a month, so I know that each time I fall asleep alone it means one less day until he comes home. And I know that this is just a 5k compared to the marathon that lies between his leave and when he comes home for good. 6 months. *whistles* wow.
That's my life. in a nutshell. sorry for the lack of posting lately-- we have been put on notice that computers at work are to be used for school-related business only, and yes they are checking. So that means no more 20sb, or Blogger, or even opening my personal email at work. NOTHING.
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