Back on the wagon

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up - Vince Lombardi

I've had a few indifferent weeks on program-- hovering around my points target and drinking a few too many full-caloried drinks on the weekends. I'm not being gluttonous, but for my body type and what I want to accomplish, I'm not doing well.

I've also been so mentally exhausted at the end of each day that after the barn, I come home, eat supper, plop myself on the couch, and surf facebook or watch tv until bedtime. And I've been going to bed at like 8 or 9 because my body seems to need a tremendous amount of sleep these days.

So I'm going to Weight Watchers tonight and facing the mirror. Good, bad, or ugly. The money situation is starting to ease up slightly, so I'll definitley be allowing myself to buy a gym membership at the gym near work on Saturday-- using my sister's membership would be free, but it's so not feasible since it's in a completely different town not anywhere near my route home.

I just miss my old body. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin, and I'm deathly afraid of sliding back to where I was before. I need to stop this runaway train in its tracks now....

My major problem is planning. As the old WW adage goes, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail....", especially when it comes to lunches. I often end up buying lunches at school, which are far from healthy.

So, Dear Readers, what do you bring for lunches at work?

A cold, NCIS, and a jealous ex

So, I've got it bad. Like, really bad. As in "I-was-looking-forward-to-my-date-with-Doc-tonite,-but-he's-sick-so-now-I'm-sad bad. I'm really falling for this guy...

So, instead of ordering Chinese, curling under a blanket, and feeling sorry for myself, i'm going to go do something productive. Like borrow my sister's gym pass (she bought a year, and hasn't used it once) and have a good run on the elliptical, so I can not feel guilty for sitting down with a glass of cranberry wine and watching the new episode of NCIS tonight. Trick is to make sure that I run BEFORE NCIS...

Making me feel better is the text Doc sent me before he slipped into a Nyquil induced coma: "i'm dirty and i'm sick and i miss u all at the same time..."

*melts*

Oh, Jay has recently become a friend of mine on Facebook. He seized upon my newly "in a relationship status" with gusto: "how old is he 17". He also sends me this message, "so then do u want to try again now that you r in a relationship and u dont have a thing for me anymore or do u".

Erm, what are we trying again? Certainly not a relationship or even a sexual arrangment....

And this is why I keep Tom around.... Tom comments back to Jay, "Hey, more of a man than you at that age than how you've been acting bro. Back off"...."And for someone who doesn't care about her, seem to like being in her business".

Hmm... someone is jealous that the toy he put away on a shelf is no longer available for him to play with if he ever decides to. Interestingly, Jay has declined to post a relationship status of his own, and his DogFace still advertises her status as "married."  Interesting. I wouldn't doubt that he's keeping their relationship on the DL so he can have a little something on the side.

<3 This is why Tom is my BFF... cause he always has my back, even when it might start work-related drama since he and Jay happened to work at the same place.

Yes, yes, life is good...

Do You Have a First Aid kit handy?

A week back into the dating game, I've realized something very important: the most difficult thing is not allowing yourself to love another, but to stop yourself from persecuting the new guy for the sins of the old.

"The one before you left me so damaged..." - Dainty Kane

There is so much truth in that line. I have a wonderful time with Doc. He faithfully texts me every morning at 10 or so (he initiates-yay!). As for the inability to carry a text message conversation, that has improved. But I've also realized something. Like me, he has a job that requires his complete concentration. He can't carry a full conversation with me during the day, and vice versa His texts are a way of keeping in touch, to let me know that he is thinking about me. Physically together, we have fantastic conversations and chemistry-- plus he's rivaling Jay in the bedroom skills department. ;-)

So, what's the problem? I'm falling for him, like I fell for Jay and Trevor. Because of the horror show of my last two breakups, I am petrified of this ending the same way. So, I read into things too much. Yesterday, for example, we made tentative plans to go out. As in, he was cleaning his apartment, doing laundry, and cleaning his 200 gallon fish tank, and would text me when he was finished. A few minutes later, I texted him, and was like "would it be easier if I just came over there?" No response.

So, I start to freak out. While with Jay and at the end of Trevor, no response was the equivalent of the silent treatment. I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds-- I have yet to go to his house (he lives about half an hour away from me and the restaurant.) Hours passed, and still no response. Anxiety level increases.

I do have a problem with anxiety. I'm aware of it, and am on medication for it. The meds only helps so much; anxiety attacks do happen, especially when I work myself up.

At 8 o'clock, I decide that he hates me, that I annoyed him, that he's mad at me for being too forward, and go to bed.

I wake up this morning to a text from Doc sent at 9:24 pm:  "Hey hunny ur text just came through. I thought you forgot about me. I'm sorry I was cleaning all day. :( I missed spending time with you."

So, my fears were unjustified. The mini Snickers bar I ate (damn Halloween candy) unnecessary. Luckily, I hadn't freaked out on him, like this poor girl did. It was simply a case of no service and late text messages, which in our area of CT happens very frequently. The hills, valleys, and dales often prevent phones from getting a signal. Understandable.

Anyone else feel like this, or am I totally crazy?

I think I'm falling for you....

In the days that have followed since I last met Trevor, I'm surprisingly okay. I've given up; I've let go, and allowed myself to find the beauty and the opportunity in the world around me. This might have taken two diet coke and rums, two margaritas, and a basket of freshly made tortilla chips to realize, but I've done it. In all honesty, I haven't shed a tear since Thursday night. &, as alarming as that is for me, I'm honestly okay.

One of the things that I've promised myself is that I will start opening myself up to possibilities, whatever that might mean; on Friday night, a figurative door opened up.

I used to waitress at a Mexican restaurant a few towns over. When I applied for the job, one of the owners, hereafter called Doc, spent the interview telling me how pretty I was. Over the next few months, Doc & I worked together and got to know each other. In addition to owning the bar portion of the restaurant, Doc is a psychiatrist with a MA from Northeastern and a Doctorate from Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. He's 30. Honestly, we flirted back and forth, even though I was with Trevor, then Jay, and he was engaged to one of the other owner's daughters.

Their relationship was a rocky one, and as both our relationships soured, we sought each other to rant and cry. After their relationship ended (he was the one that did the ending), he started asking me out. I turned him down a few times; I didn't want to be the rebound girl. I also still felt like I was somehow cheating on Trevor. But, after letting him go, I felt different. He asked me out again on Friday night (prior to the margaritas), and I accepted.

I was glad I did. We went out last night to grab a drink. We were suppossed to have dinner, but he got stuck in some heavy  traffic on the Pike out of Boston. Rush hour is never a good thing in this part of New England, with three major cities relatively close to one another (Worcester, Boston, & Providence). I had a great time. He's easy to talk to, funny, and incredibly smart. It's been a long time since I've been with someone who is my educational superior, or even my equal. I home by 10 since both he and I have to work early in the morning. He kissed me very sweetly when I got out of the car, and told me that he'd be talking to me soon.  I got a text about an hour later when he got home, and then one this am at 10. During one of these text messages, he asked me what my favorite flower was. Interesting...

So, a question for my readers. Is the fact that I can't keep a text message conversation going indicative of something? We have long conversations when we're together, but relatively short ones when we text. I myself run out things to say on text, especially since I'm often doing something else while I'm texting. I also don't believe that text messaging is for long, intense conversations anyway.

Thoughts on or tips about this?

It's really over

I met Trevor at the mall near his house. I wasn't sure why he picked there, in a specific spot away from much of the mall traffic. I took along my friend Deb (a former FBI agent). His car wasn't in the parking lot, but as I checked in the rearview to make sure my makeup was okay, he appeared next to his car.

 I gave him his things and asked for a hug. He said no.I asked him if he wanted my engagement ring back. He said yes.I gave it to him. He said that I have made his life a living hell for the past year, and that he's been nothing but stressed out. He said that he never wants to see or hear from me again.

And I said that I didn't cheat on him, that I was sorry that I hurt him, but that he hurt me to. At that point, he looked away. And that I loved him, and missed him. Finally, I said that no matter what, no matter when, I would be here for him, no matter what he's done.

His response: "good luck with the teaching thing."

You can take this at face value, but he wasn't the same. Everything was different. His eyes were very glassy, and he was a lot more aggressive than I've ever seen him. I thought he was high on pot or drunk. I was close to him though. I smelt no pot or alcohol on his breath. I suspect he's doing other, harder drugs-- coke, meth, or heroin. His mom sells coke; I have no doubt he has access to a ready supply. His sister confirms this.



I got back in my car, and even though I was ready to cry and puke from the stress of it all, I drove away. I wanted to look strong. I just drove into the next shopping plaza, got out, puked and had Deb drive home.

Deb said he sounded like her 11 year old son after she punishes him and he tells her that he hates her and that she is the worst mommy ever. And that if he really was over it, as he claims, that he wouldn't want to emotionally hurt me every chance he got.

So...

I can't fix him. I can't save him from whatever demons are tormenting him, be it depression, drugs, whatever. I didn't even bother arguing with him about me treating him liike crap. There's no point. That's obviously what he's convinced himself (or his mom has convinced him to think--I wouldn't doubt that), and there is no changing it. It hurts that he doesn't remember everything I've done for him. Apparently, it wasn't good enough.

How do I feel now? Upset, but strangely free. I love him, I still miss him, but this is the life he has chosen. I want him to be happy, and even though his happiness is artifically produced, that's the choice he has made. 

Where do I go from here? Living my life, patching back the pieces of the broken heart he thrust at me last night. My friend Deb suggested that I continue the Dear Trevor letters, and work on turning it into a book. I think I'm going to. A year of letters to him starting from the initial breakup until now.

What do you all think?

Again, thank you to all my readers for being there through it all. I'm sorry that this story does not have a happy ending for him and I. But as a huge sign about my bed declares, "It's never too late to live happily ever after," and that's what I intend to do.

Finally some contact

I'm meeting Trevor tonight at the mall so I can give him his stuff back.

He's still with Queen Bitch.

I need advice. What do I do?

Money has always been an issue with Trevor and I. In the beginning, it wasn't. He had a good job, was going to work every day, and we were both paying our bills. Then, something changed. I don't know what it was- possibly his step-sister's suicide. He started having a hard time waking up in the morning; he started staying up all night; he went through job after job basically because he just couldn't get up out of bed every morning.

He lost Job #7, I think, on my birthday last year. I was teaching, making the majority of the money, and thus feeling the largest pressure to make sure that our rent, utilities, car insurance, and both our car payments were paid on time. My savings and checking accounts were swiftly approaching $0. My credit card debt was piling up. With winter coming, I knew that I couldn't pay for heating oil too.  So I gave Trevor an ultimatium: he had a month to find a job, or I was going to ask him to leave. Not to leave me, but to go stay with his mother. I financially couldn't support him anymore.

A month came and went. Trevor would spend most of his time shooting the shit at the fire house or sleeping all day. To my knowledge, he didn't apply for one job. And one Saturday morning, when I had written out another 900 check to the oil man, I walked out to his car and cleaned it out of my things. And I went inside and tried to make him get up.

I'll admit I was frustrated. I was hurt. We got into a huge fight, and he left for his mothers. No one ever said the words "it's over", but I knew he was pissed. The next few weeks were troubling. I had basically no contact with him. When I did, I asked him if we were together, if he loved me, if I went on a date, if that would be cheating. His answer for all of these questions was : "I don't know." He had showed up at the mall with friends, and told his sister (who worked there at the time) that he was "trolling for girls." So, I drove up there with some of his clothes and deposited them on his mother's front porch. He called me as I was hitting the highway, wanting to know what this meant. I said that he obviously thought it was over. I went back there to talk about it, he spent that time holding me and kissing me. He was still mad, but he did love me. Yet, he didn't come home.

After a week or so of no contact, I went into work and Jay was sitting at my table. A friend's brother, we knew each other. I was intrigued by him, since he was much older than he had been when I knew him before his military service. I went out to the bar with them that night, and then on a date with him the next week. I still hadn't talked to Trevor.

Did I sleep with Jay that night? Yes, I did. Do I consider it cheating? I don't know.  He had no answers for me when I had repeatedly asked if we were together. I felt that he was breaking up with me.

The next day I called Trevor to come get his stuff. He discovered a note  Jay had left me on my board, figured out that I was sleeping with someone else, and left. He told everyone that I cheated on him. It broke my heart.

Jay, who had gone through a divorce, knew what I was going through and filled my head with the negatives that I had complained about and those that he heard from mutual friends. I began to villianize Trevor in my mind.

In early January, I realized that I had missed two periods. The one immediately after Trevor and the one with Jay. I called Trevor, and told him that I might be pregnant. His response was that he was in a relationship with someone and that he thought he loved her. I'd like to add here that she was only 15 (he was 20). Luckily, I wasn't pregnant.  I continued to "see" Jarod. We were never in an official relationship, at Jay's request.

In the middle of February, I got an early morning phone call from Trevor who asked me if I had his trumpet. I told him that I did, and that I would bring it to work with me. He showed up during my lunch break, I met him outside, and it was like instant spark. I didn't want to let him leave, and he didn't want to let me go. He hugged me and asked for a kiss. I gave him a chaste one ( I was at work, after all), and he texted me later confessing that he wanted a bigger kiss than that. That he realized at that instant how much he missed and loved me. I started to see both Jay and Trevor-- both of them knew this was going on. Jay was jealous, but couldn't say much since it was at his request that we weren't official. Trevor was extremely jealous. I told Trevor that I couldn't leave Jay until I was sure that Trevor could take care of himself since that was the reason we broke up in the first place.

Things went sour between Jay and I in the middle of March ( I strongly believe because Dogface's husband had left), and Trevor and I started to talk about moving back in together. He started to look at jobs closer to me. Jay & I stopped talking, and Trevor knew that.

In early April, Trevor stayed over for a long weekend. I logged into his Myspace and read some emails between him and another girl. I got jealous, and confronted him about them when I got home that night. He flipped out, told me that I was jealous, and that it was over. I called several times, talked to him for a few times, and realized that he was upset. Trevor takes a long time to get over things. He's stubborn and has no coping skills whatsoever.

And that brings me to where I am now. Missing Trevor, realizing that maybe I should have give it a wholehearted chance....

I didn't cheat on him, even though he thinks I did.