I feel numb. To the tips of my toes. I'm numb about everything-- i'm even indifferent about what i want for dinner for godssakes. I dont leave the house. I don't shower. I dont drink. I dont ride I can't do anything alone. All i know is that I miss him I've thought of ways to just end the pain, but my friends and family don't deserve that. But the numbness is a blessing, because its covering a whirlpool of pain, anger, sadness so fierce that even when I peek under the cover, i hurt so acutely that takes me days to numb again. I want nothing to do with men. Relationships terrify me and make me throw up. Literally. Ive been on dates as of late and they end with me puking in the restroom. I cant even have casual sex. Trust me, Ive tried. It seems like a good idea and then I'm just counting sheep in my head begging for it to be over. And for somene who used to live, love, and laugh with tbeir whole heart, numb is a change. And the saddest thing is i've gone through break ups before. None of them have decimated me this completely. This is the fucking Hiroshima of break ups. Thinking about it, how much I loved h to be hurting this bad, this could have been an incredible love. But he doesnt care. He didnt even pause for a second to hurt. Hes got this new girl and he lets her abuse me, and any reaction I have makes me look bad. She concoted this whole facebook scheme to make me look like a stalker. She wanted me to fight her Saturday night. I drove down there but my cousin found me before i got there. Ive tried everything i can think of to make this better but nothing helps. Nothing. I've given up

I've returned. To Summer. To blogging. To singledom. I'm not ready to talk about what happened between Apache and I after he returned from deployment, but I will. I'm really not okay with the break up, and my heart is shattered in so many pieces I'm not sure I will be able to piece it together, but I'm trying. Trying to be positive. Trying to focus on me. I'm dying my hair blond with pink streaks as I type this, and i'm in the process of purchasing a 2010 Mustang convertible.

More to come soon. I've missed you all!

Summer Harvest

I am in love:

I have always loved fruit. But Raspberries and Blackberries were, for some reason, a fruit I never could get into. My friend and "surrogate mother" at work offered me some raspberries a month ago that she had lightly sprinkled with Truvia, since Splenda is made with chlorine.  I tentatively popped a raspberry and a blackberry in my mouth:

LOVE

So now I cannot get enough of fresh raspberries and blackberries. I could eat a container of them a day.

Unfortunately, raspberries are currently retailing for $4.50 for a half-pint. Blackberries are $2.99. Still cheaper and much healthier than a pack of cigarettes, but nonetheless not so good on the pocketbook. I'm gong to go on a raspberry hunt today to see if the local orchards are selling them for cheaper.

Having dreams about making this champagne cocktail when Apache comes home.


What are your favorite summer foods?

I want...

I SHOULD be working on grad school work right now, BUT my brain feels quite a bit scattered (it must the impending presence of Hurricane Earl) so I need to do a "brain dump" in the form of a blog post before I get down to business.

Me-- On my 5th Birthday

On October 11, I will be turning 25.And while I am not happy about being a quarter of a century old, I am happy about passing one more "checkpoint" to November 7 and Apache's homecoming. The only way I've been able to get through these months is by focusing on smaller pieces and making it to each one. Starting school again was one of the checkpoints, which I did this Monday. Now, I'm focusing on the month until my birthday when I can officially begin the countdown to his arrival in the States.

Focusing on my birthday has led me to focus on one thing. Birthday presents.  So this is a me-me of all the things that I would love to find wrapped up in blue paper with silver bows beside some chocolate covered strawberries.

1. 2011 Mustang GT 5.0    Except in silver, please. Thanks :-)   I've always wanted a Mustang convertible since I was young. When I bought my car in 2009, I was with Trevor and the insurance would have been outrageous. Now that almost 25 and dating a man, not a little boy, I could quite possibly buy one. So, I would love one of these with a blue bow in my drive way on my birthday.

2. Keurig Coffee Machine - I love coffee and tea. I rarely drink it cause I HATE making it. So I would love to have one of these puppies in my classroom to have some green tea whenever I want.

3. T&Co Horse shoe Good luck charm & chain.   A horseshoe. from Tiffany. 'Nuff said.


4. A bouquet of sunflowers. Apache better come through on this. I LOVE getting flowers, and have NEVER been with a guy who thought enough of me (apparently) to give me flowers on my birthday. My lovelies got me a gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers for my birthday last year, but I want them from my man. damnit. I want romance. I know he's capable of sending flowers since I know he sent DogFace some on her birthday last year. Keeping my fingers crossed.

5.  Tack Classic boots by The Original Muck Boot Company- High Cut- size 7.5.  Having a horse in a New England winter and spring is cold, muddy business. And while Wal-Mart sells those lovely colorful welly boots, they are useless keeping your feet warm in the snow. These boots are amazing in mud and muck, and I want them! AND they come in hot pink or purple. <3

6. So if I get the aforementioned bouquet of flowers, I might consider purchasing this lovely number to help welcome Apache home.

7. My customized Reebok Easy Tone sneakers. Size 7.5

8. Tiffany Bead Earrings -- To match the necklace I already have.  <3

Question of Etiquette

I get it. Teenage pregnancy is now the way to fame. It was only a matter of time. After all, the adults have been doing it for years: Octomom, Kate Plus Eight (who I have grown to DESPISE, btw) and the Duggars, anyone?  And with teenage-target fair like Teen Mom, 16 & Pregnant, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Knocked Up, and Juno, it is no wonder that teenage pregnancy is on the rise.

How do you react when a teen you know 

announces she is pregnant? 

I've searched Emily Post for this one, and I can't find a reference. I remember my well-bred grandmother telling me years ago, that you react to someone the way they react. Ergo, if she is happy, you are happy for her.

Trevor's stepsister, A, who is 18 (almost 19) just announced via Facebook that she is pregnant. I'm not sure how old the father is, who she is now engaged to. I know that she got a tattoo of his initials at the beginning of July, and she is seriously head over heels for him. I have no clue how long they've been together, but A has always fallen hard for her boyfriends. Her stepmother (who A lives with after the recent death of her father) is not the most strict parent-- she's long let A have boyfriends sleep over.

After talking to her sister (Trevor's half sister), M, I found out that A is trying to be responsible about the pregnancy. She has worked it out with her school that she can still graduate on time at the end of May-- the baby is due at the end of April. She and the father are getting married, and planning on raising the child. She's ecstatic, and I didn't feel it was my place to lecture her, especially in light of my own experiences. IMHO, I'm not her parents, and it is not my place to stage an intervention.  I have NO idea if the pregnancy was planned, and perhaps that is a factor in the next section of this post.

So I left her a comment telling her "Congratulations!" I noticed tonight that Trevor's aunt, L, who I have always been very close with, even after my split from Trevor has deleted me off of Facebook. I have NO clue why. I haven't posted about Trevor in close to a year, and she still kept my mom as a Facebook friend.  I'm assuming that the delete has to do with A's pregnancy.  And if that's true, then how fucking juvenile is that ?!?!

It wasn't like I was supporting her going "YES! You should get pregnant!" and perhaps they are worried that all the positive attention that A is getting will cause M to think about getting pregnant as well. But that's a conversation they need to have with M.

Thoughts, readers? What would you have done?

Love the Way You Lie

Heard this Rihanna/Eminem collaboration on the radio a few times, so I checked out the video on youtube, like I do with most songs I enjoy.     Meghan Fox and Dominic Monahagn's chemistry portrays my life with Trevor more vividly than I ever thought possible.. down to the body language, broken walls, his ripped, strained wifebeaters and cheap wood paneling.

I haven't thought about Trevor in a long time, honestly. He's living his life without me, and whether I agree with it or not, its his life to lead.  And I've found that level of connection and love again with someone who is mature enough to handle it. The video just disturbed me because of how hard it hit home. In retrospect, I can't believe I lived through 3 years of that, especially the end where fighting like that was the only way we could communicate.  But I totally understand where they are at.. and am so grateful for what I have now.

Didja miss me?

I'm back!  The past few months have been a whirlwind of grad school, summer plans, gym appointments, and horse riding. I'm sorry for the hiatus-- I needed some time to figure some things out.

So, what's new with you all? I'll tell you what's new with me:

1.  Apache & I are back together... it took a few days of separation to realize that neither one of us want to live without each other. We spent two days together before he left and we've talked every day since. Things are actually better after the "fight," as I've deemed it. His relationship with DF is undeniably over, and he is filing when he gets back. And that's something he's told her (i've seen the emails), his family, and me. He's removed her from the death benefits, and had it arranged to go to his family. He had her removed from his accounts (according to his sister and dad as well).  He has been much more forward with his family about what we are to each other-- his parents, sister, and aunt have all commented about how much Apache has talked about me and how important I am to his life. He's encouraged me to visit them, and his mother invited me to Maine for a week starting next week....And we are moving in together when he gets home-- his idea.

Trust me, dear readers, that I have put him through his paces-- he was not immediately allowed back in and he's given me every reason to believe that this is what he wants.

2. I hired a personal trainer & I'm working on dropping weight... I've lost 12 since the middle of June, and I'm hoping to lose 25 lbs by my 25th birthday (October 11)... and then hopefully 40 by the end of November (when APACHE comes HOME for GOOD!!!!) :-D

I'm sorry for the lame post, but consider it a warm up before your irreverant Aurora returns! I'm glad to be back!