Question of Etiquette

I get it. Teenage pregnancy is now the way to fame. It was only a matter of time. After all, the adults have been doing it for years: Octomom, Kate Plus Eight (who I have grown to DESPISE, btw) and the Duggars, anyone?  And with teenage-target fair like Teen Mom, 16 & Pregnant, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Knocked Up, and Juno, it is no wonder that teenage pregnancy is on the rise.

How do you react when a teen you know 

announces she is pregnant? 

I've searched Emily Post for this one, and I can't find a reference. I remember my well-bred grandmother telling me years ago, that you react to someone the way they react. Ergo, if she is happy, you are happy for her.

Trevor's stepsister, A, who is 18 (almost 19) just announced via Facebook that she is pregnant. I'm not sure how old the father is, who she is now engaged to. I know that she got a tattoo of his initials at the beginning of July, and she is seriously head over heels for him. I have no clue how long they've been together, but A has always fallen hard for her boyfriends. Her stepmother (who A lives with after the recent death of her father) is not the most strict parent-- she's long let A have boyfriends sleep over.

After talking to her sister (Trevor's half sister), M, I found out that A is trying to be responsible about the pregnancy. She has worked it out with her school that she can still graduate on time at the end of May-- the baby is due at the end of April. She and the father are getting married, and planning on raising the child. She's ecstatic, and I didn't feel it was my place to lecture her, especially in light of my own experiences. IMHO, I'm not her parents, and it is not my place to stage an intervention.  I have NO idea if the pregnancy was planned, and perhaps that is a factor in the next section of this post.

So I left her a comment telling her "Congratulations!" I noticed tonight that Trevor's aunt, L, who I have always been very close with, even after my split from Trevor has deleted me off of Facebook. I have NO clue why. I haven't posted about Trevor in close to a year, and she still kept my mom as a Facebook friend.  I'm assuming that the delete has to do with A's pregnancy.  And if that's true, then how fucking juvenile is that ?!?!

It wasn't like I was supporting her going "YES! You should get pregnant!" and perhaps they are worried that all the positive attention that A is getting will cause M to think about getting pregnant as well. But that's a conversation they need to have with M.

Thoughts, readers? What would you have done?

Love the Way You Lie

Heard this Rihanna/Eminem collaboration on the radio a few times, so I checked out the video on youtube, like I do with most songs I enjoy.     Meghan Fox and Dominic Monahagn's chemistry portrays my life with Trevor more vividly than I ever thought possible.. down to the body language, broken walls, his ripped, strained wifebeaters and cheap wood paneling.

I haven't thought about Trevor in a long time, honestly. He's living his life without me, and whether I agree with it or not, its his life to lead.  And I've found that level of connection and love again with someone who is mature enough to handle it. The video just disturbed me because of how hard it hit home. In retrospect, I can't believe I lived through 3 years of that, especially the end where fighting like that was the only way we could communicate.  But I totally understand where they are at.. and am so grateful for what I have now.

Didja miss me?

I'm back!  The past few months have been a whirlwind of grad school, summer plans, gym appointments, and horse riding. I'm sorry for the hiatus-- I needed some time to figure some things out.

So, what's new with you all? I'll tell you what's new with me:

1.  Apache & I are back together... it took a few days of separation to realize that neither one of us want to live without each other. We spent two days together before he left and we've talked every day since. Things are actually better after the "fight," as I've deemed it. His relationship with DF is undeniably over, and he is filing when he gets back. And that's something he's told her (i've seen the emails), his family, and me. He's removed her from the death benefits, and had it arranged to go to his family. He had her removed from his accounts (according to his sister and dad as well).  He has been much more forward with his family about what we are to each other-- his parents, sister, and aunt have all commented about how much Apache has talked about me and how important I am to his life. He's encouraged me to visit them, and his mother invited me to Maine for a week starting next week....And we are moving in together when he gets home-- his idea.

Trust me, dear readers, that I have put him through his paces-- he was not immediately allowed back in and he's given me every reason to believe that this is what he wants.

2. I hired a personal trainer & I'm working on dropping weight... I've lost 12 since the middle of June, and I'm hoping to lose 25 lbs by my 25th birthday (October 11)... and then hopefully 40 by the end of November (when APACHE comes HOME for GOOD!!!!) :-D

I'm sorry for the lame post, but consider it a warm up before your irreverant Aurora returns! I'm glad to be back!

What you've done

Trying to rip the blinders off. Trying to work up the courage to walk away, in part because I am not strong enough to give someone space if I want to be with them.

So this is an angry post, because right now I need to be angry:

What you've done to me:

* Convinced me to be faithful to you for four months while you were gone away.

* Made me dream about the day you'd be home, and buy clothes and prepare things for all these plans that we made. Movies we'd see...restaurants we'd visit..clubs we'd go to.

* Made me open my heart to your family... your sister, your parents, your extended family, and especially your nieces and nephew

* Lied to me about your whereabouts

* Made me feel like I'm not good enough because you chose this woman, who has cheated on you and fucked up your head so badly. Clearly, there is something wrong with me. At least, that's how I feel.

* Put me in so much emotional pain that it feels physical. I can't eat because I'm constantly nauseous. I can't sleep because I'm plagued by dreams. The physical pain in my chest hurts so much that I got a tattoo on my back yesterday, and I didn't flinch. not once.

* Made me love you. Made me believe, and I still do, that you love me too. Made me question WHY this is NOT enough.

Sorry for my leave of absence. I'm back however, and unfortunately things are not going well.

Apache came home for his 15-day leave on the 13. I picked him up at the airport, we had dinner, and had a great night in the hotel. We went out with friends on the 15th and the 16th, and spent both those nights together.

Before he had come home, he had told me he was going to need a few days to himself, and he said he planned on going to Maine for the weekend. My first hint that something was going on: he didn't want me to stay with him Friday night. Said he had to get up early to go up to Maine. Perturbed, I let it slide especially since he promised me that I would spend the night with him Tuesday night.

He goes to Maine, and I just get this feeling that something is not right. Number one, his trip to Maine happened to fall on DogFace's days off (they have a four-off, four-on rotation). Number Two, I see Jay driving past my house alone. I talk to him Monday night, and he says that he will be home from Maine on Tuesday around noon and he'll pick me up at 3.

On Tuesday, he comes home from Maine and picks me up to take me to his aunt's house for dinner. I have a bag packed, but he tells me that he is still really wiped out, and wants to be alone that night as well. What.the.fuck. Now I KNOW something is going on. We go to his aunt's and he shows everyone that tattoo that he has gotten. In his hometown. on Monday. So now I know he's lying, and I can pretty much figure out what is going on.

We get in his car, and I go to punch into the GPS the address of the movie theater we are in route to. Last address punched in? a hotel in his hometown.

So, I confront him because now I know. The conversation pretty much entails him telling me he's in love with me. and in love with her. and he just can't be with us both anymore. Guess who wants him back? Yeah, Dogface. And he's married to her. He's not married to me.

So, I cry, and plead, and beg. Because I know he's making a MAJOR mistake. And I do some not-so-cool things. Like call Jay and DogFace and scream at them. DogFace ends up figuring out that Apache has been dating me. And she freaks. Tells him she wants a divorce. and begs Jay to take her back. Jay won't take her back until she files for divorce, which hopefully will happen next week.

Where does that leave me? Apache is incredibly guilt ridden because he's convinced everything is his fault. Her leaving him in the first place? His fault for joining the army and going to boot camp. Her leaving him for good? his fault because he was weak and didn't have "strength, courage, and faith. The strength to wait, the courage to be alone, and the faith in what {he}had would come back. {He} failed at all three miserably". His fault for lying to me to protect me from being hurt.

Where does that leave me? I don't honestly know. I love him. He and I met yesterday at a park and I gave him a letter I wrote which basically said that I understand he's in pain. I understand he loves her, and I knew that the day would come when she would try to take him back, and the day would come when he would have to get over it. I understand he needs time to heal and process. And I said that I wanted to be here for him. That I hope we can be together again when he is free to be with me-- emotionally and legally. he hugged me. Told me he loved me. That he just is in so much pain he just needs to be alone.

I felt better about things after that. Then I did what I shouldn't have done. I hate being a stupid girl. I texted him this morning asking him if he thought we would be together some day. And he lost it --told me he was in so much pain he couldn't deal with this. That he needs for me to leave him alone.

But I'm in pain too. I miss him. He was my best friend and my days feel so empty without him. I want to try and help him get better. Wanna show him that I'm here and I wouldn't do that to him. That he needs to stop feeling so guilty about this because its not all his fault. That's why I texted. But I can't do that anymore. If I keep doing that I'm just going to drive him away from me.
 
I'm shitty at this giving space thing. Advice?

My philosophy on life circa April 2010

My philosophy on life these days is the same as my philosophy on running on the elliptical: keep your head down,  focus on doing it the best you can, and know that each second ticking by brings you closer to the end.

My life has been so busy these days.  I started coaching softball, and while I love being outdoors playing in the dirt with the kids, practice adds 2+ hours to my day. I get out of work at 2:30, practice til 4:30, then off to the gym til about 6:30 or 7. I feed Magic on my way home from the gym, and then get home. I had been waiting until I got home to eat dinner, but that was wrecking havoc on my blood sugar (I'm Hypoglycemic). So now I pack breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me in the morning, and eat dinner after practice and before the gym.

At least, I try to get to the gym:

The entrance to my gym on Tuesday.

There has been no softball and gym for most of this week due to the intense amounts of rain here in northeast Connecticut. As many of you may have seen on the news, there has been a crazy amount of flooding here. Luckily, my town was spared the flooding, but some of my friends and family weren't so lucky. It's odd because I just turned in my thesis proposal a few weeks ago to write a book based upon the great flood of 1955, that totally wiped out large areas of this state. The amount of rain we have gotten in the past week exceeds the rain sent down by that flood. Were it not for a network of dams put in after the flood of '55, the flooding would have been even more widespread.

I find sporadic moments during the day to do grad school work (planning periods, after I get home from work, if softball is canceled). I always feel like I'm playing "catch-up" with one area of my life or another. We have the day off for "Good Friday" and I am at my dad's office working on, what else?, grad school work. It feels like a never ending task but I learned in college to just keep my head down and tackle one thing at a time.

I'm tackling one day at time. Missing Apache terribly these days, especially since it's getting warm, and I'm totally an adventurer when it gets warm: ie: let's drive to the beach, let's road trip, let's go for a hike...sort of thing. Wishing he was here to adventure with me. :-/ He comes home in less than a month, so I know that each time I fall asleep alone it means one less day until he comes home. And I know that this is just a 5k compared to the marathon that lies between his leave and when he comes home for good. 6 months. *whistles* wow.

That's my life. in a nutshell. sorry for the lack of posting lately-- we have been put on notice that computers at work are to be used for school-related business only, and yes they are checking. So that means no more 20sb, or Blogger, or even opening my personal email at work. NOTHING.

Reasons why texting is evil

One of the worse things about this whole deployment thing is having to develop and sustain a relationship through email. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful to be able to communicate with Apache pretty much constantly, rather than waiting for weeks for a letter- the whole thing is a double edged sword.

Some of the main problems:

* Freepin' IMPOSSIBLE to determine someone's mood over texts. For instance, yesterday Apache sent me short, one line emails (we use email as texting) and so me-being-me, I take it as I am annoying him and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. But short texts don't always mean that. It could mean (as I discovered upon asking him if he was sick of me) that he's tired, frustrated (not with me), or suppossed to be working (he does this often). HOW are you suppossed to determine any of those things over text as you would from seeing someone's face or hearing someone's voice.  You can't.

Note: please don't be commenting telling me that he really is trying to break up with me, because I know he's not since I got two seperate messages while I was asleep (during his day) that said how much he loved and missed me. So there *sticks tongue out*

* Same goes for silences. Suddenly the conversation stops dead in its tracks. Oh No! I think Did I say something wrong?!  Maybe this is me--I've been trained by Trevor and Jay to assume all silences are the silent treatment. OR I think he's spending his time talking to other girls, like DogFace, or some girls on base because some bitch  woman told me she hoped he didn't cheat on me while he was in Afghanistan. Thanks for introducing that thought into my already worried head. However, with Apache being deployed, it could be he's being spun up, suddenly got busy, fell asleep, or the cell phone service went down. again. And I feel like I'm holding a reciever, listening to empty silence going "Hello? Hello? Helllllllo? Helloooooo?"

* Or how about miscommunications. You know, those things that you say meaning to be a joke, but don't get taken as a joke? Yup, happens all the time to me. For instance yesterday Apache and I were discussing meeting at the airport, and he was talking about how he hopes I'll be wet when pick him up. And I was like "of course. hope you're still attraced to me."  I meant it as a self-effacing joke. And he was like "I really wish you wouldn't say shit like that to me." Annnnnnnnd then he fell asleep. So I panicked thinking he was mad at me, giving me the silent treatment. He wasn't mad (he sent me an email in the middle of our night to tell me so).

I guess, I'm just frustrated because I didn't really get to talk to him much today, and I started off the day thinking he didn't want to talk to me, and then found out his cell service was acting funny. I'm sure it's just a mood, and I'll wake up to a text from him telling me that he loves me, but it still makes me wicked anxious.

Maybe I should go back on Wellbutrin for anxiety.... hmm..