Thursday, October 20, 2011


Though I should be writing the Reading Clinic Report due tomorrow evening for grad school, my heart and head are so full that I need to write, to relieve some pressure of swirling emotions so that the logical side of my head can come out to work. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to open the door and step into the fog of grief. At least two weeks. It feels like progress-- not that long ago, I couldn't go two hours without being hit by pain. I'm in therapy, once a week daily, and it helps. I'm focusing on me--doing the things that I need to do, and right now they primarily include working towards my Master's and achieving tenure at my job.

This week, my T started to talk about forgiveness--if I could forgive Apache for the past year of pain. I can forgive him for a lot of things. I can forgive him for cheating on me. I can forgive him for recycling me over and over again. I can forgive him for promising me a future and then taking it away from me. I can forgive those things because I know that his deployment has a major factor in this because things were different with him immediately off the plane. I can forgive because I love him and his family and I'm so very grateful that I helped him come home. I meant the last thing that I said to him-- I hope that he can find happiness one day inside of himself, without another person.

I can't forgive being abandoned and I can't forgive him allowing her to hurt me. Being abandoned--blocked from Facebook and left without a way of contacting him--outside of email-- hurts because it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all. Not a day goes by where I don't wake up and wish that I could talk to him about his day. Outside of the relationship aspect, I miss that connection and friendship that we had. He understood me and he didn't judge me. How could he block that all away without another thought?

My therapist suggested something that I never thought of before. Could the silence--the blocking of all contact be Apache's greatest act of love for me? He knew that our relationship was destroying me, cell by cell. He knew that I had been put on heavy duty anxiety meds at the end of our relationship. He knew that my body was starting to break down from the mental and emotional toll. I know that he had conversations with friends and family about how I didn't deserve to be hurt like that. He even told me that--one night after had texted me while we were broken up-- he said that he knew he should just let me move on and heal.

Is that what he's doing? Removing himself from my life because he knows me well enough to know that I won't heal or get over him while in contact with him? Could the angry, cold exterior really be a way of protecting me from him? And, we had recycled so many times, could he had known that the only way for us to break up--which no matter how much it hurts, I know that we needed, though I wished for a temporary breakup--was to go completely no contact?

In all reality, this is probably the denial talking. I'm sure he's moved on and that's the reason for the silence. I'm sure that I never cross his mind, and when I do, it's with anger. I don't know what the reality of the situation is. How he truly feels about me and why this happened the way it did. I know that it is best for me to believe the worst-case-scenario answer-- to understand that he hates me and i deserve it and that is not going to change. Not now. not ever.


Anonymous said...

You don't deserve for him to hate you. I think that the reason why he isn't contacting you is besides the point. What is best right now for YOU is to not have any contact with him. This is the only thing that is going to truly allow you to move on.