Not Me Monday!

I did not sprain my ankle while tacking up Magic yesterday.

I would never ice it, take Motrin, then ride for half an hour afterwards.

I wouldn't dream of picking sweet clover to feed to the Lippizans before putting my helmet on.

I am not allergic poison ivy, and it is not all over my face due to the above grass picking I did not do.

I am not scratching instead of putting calamine on and/or soaking in an oatmeal bath.

I am not considering attending University of New England's online Master's program because it's cheaper and I can start at the end of October.

I did not have a perfect day on program today.

I did not ask my parents to pay for my horse show this weekend because I don't get paid until next Friday.

I am not slightly freaking out because I haven't heard from Mustang all weekend.

I did not happily stay home all weekend because I didn't feel like going to the club.

So, what did you NOT do this week?

Dear Trevor,

As I've written before, I've been writing letters to Trevor (not his real name), my ex of three years. One of these letters has been posted here. Since these letters are so completely different from the rest of the blog, I've started a new blog to post them to. Unlike this blog, which features details about the rest of my life and is characteristically a "20-something blog," this new blog, Letters I'll Never Send, is strictly the words that I wish I could send to Trevor. Even though we've broken up, he is still my best friend and the keeper of my heart. There are things that I experience that I want to tell him, but cannot. Obviously, at this point, emailing him these things would be detrimental to ever having another relationship. I started a notebook of letters, but I usually forget it at home. If you would like to read these Letters, I encourage you to surf on over to the new site.

Lollipop, Lollipop

Congratulations to Camile from Classroom Confessions for winning the giveaway. Email me at arabianmagic1011 [at] gmail [dot] com with your contact information!

Tell me I'm over reacting

So during my drunken Saturday night, I texted Mustang several times, encouraging him to come up to the party. Seriously, my cell needs a breathalyzer. Sunday morning, I apologized, trying to explain that I was insanely drunken. He already knew that fact since Jay had already filled him in on exactly how annihilated I was.

I texted and im-ed with him on Monday, then texted him on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I initiated the text message conversations. I decided to let him contact me, and I didn't hear from him yesterday. I texted him (sober) tonight and this was the extent of the conversation.


Me: hey, how's it going?
Mustang: ok, you?
Me: Good. Just playing with the new laptop. Watcha up to?
Mustang: I'm doing things..i'm away
Me:Didja go anywhere fun?
Mustang: I'm in Maine
Me: Lol don't get blown away in the hurricane tomorrow!
Mustang: It's not going to hit. My phone's not going to last.
Me: Okay, have fun!
*End Convo*

I think he's up in Maine on the annual retreat that he (and Jay's) work sponsors. Which could explain why he is being so short-- if he's drinking with the crew, he's probably not going to want to chit chat.

So, what do I do? Thoughts? We've only gone out that one time, but talked extensively via phone, IM, and text since.

I can't believe people are this stupid

I recieved a bunch of calls today from an 813 number. When I called it back, I discovered that it was from Ford Motor Credit. Since I have a Toyota, I had a sneaking suspicion it was concerning Trevor's Ford Focus, which he bought when we were together.

After getting the run around with the automated system, I finally reached a live person. I explained who I was, and why I was calling.

"So you think you are still on your ex-fiance's account?" she asked, rather confused.

"Yes. I vaguely recall him adding me to his account as a point of contact," I said.

"Okay, m'am. I'll check to see if you're on the account. Do you know his name?"

"Fight clean. Fuck dirty"- Kevin Bacon

Went back to Weight Watchers yesterday for the first time in months. Because I happened to love one of the groups and leader I used to work with, I went to that meeting. My leader, Jan, was not there. Instead, she was replaced by this perky NEW leader. Weight Watchers members, past and present, out there can empathasize with me when I bemoan her newness.

New Weight Watcher leaders:
* are insanely perky.
* are usually new on Maintenence
* which follows that they cannot understand a Lifetime member's struggle to keep her weight off for life.
* look down on people who have have met their goal and bounced back--"rebounders"
* have no clue about the nuances of the program.

The above one bothers me the most. I KNOW program, inside and out. I had the privelege of working with leaders who knew program. My problem is I got cokcy with it and my old habits have sprung back. The Weight Watcher program extends beyond what you get in the book. Believe it or not, people find a way to bend the rules so they can eat more.

Mythbuster:

One of the most classic myths is adding Benefiber to high-calorie foods. The Points system is based on calories, fat, and fiber; the higher the fiber (up to 4 grams), the lower the points. So some quick thinking members decided to take Benefiber and add it to things like brownies. They then added the grams of fiber to the fiber already found in the brownie mix, and came up with a much lower number. That's false thinking.

When figuring out the Points for recipes, you find the Points value seperately for each ingredient, add them together, and then divide by the number of servings. You do not add all the  calories, fat, and fiber together. In the Fiberlicious Brownies above, you would have to consider the Benefiber as one ingredient and the brownie mix as another, and so on. There was even a Weight Watcher company memo on the trend

New, Perky Leader (NPL) had no clue about this rule. In fact, she congratulated the member on being "innovative" and finding new ways to be "satisfied physically and mentally." *groan*

I had to break her bubble. I raised my hand, announced that it was false, explained why, and turned back to her. Since the majority of the members there knew me as their receptionist, they had my back. She, however, was not too please with being schooled.

On the way back, I stopped off at the redemption center to reedem my cans.  I decided it was a great idea to do squats (!) from the box to the machine. I can't walk today.

The hardest war is the one that we fight with ourselves

I' m now back at work, well into my second day. So far, my students are wonderful, with the exception of an 8th grade group of students that were chatty last year-- they are going to be chatty again this year, apparently.


I am actually excited to be back at work. I am such a routine person; I like to wake up, eat, work out, and go to bed at the exact same time. With summer being here, every thing is all discombobulated, and I tend to fall apart a little bit. I slack off in certain areas, especially weight management.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I was heavy child that turned into a heavier teen. At 17, I started Weight Watchers with the objective to fit into my senior prom dress. I was 255 lbs. I continued my journey throughout college, reaching my lowest weight of 155 lbs. I started working for Weight Watchers as a receptionists as an incentive to keep my weight off.

Right around that time, I met Trevor, and started to slack off. Not intentionally, of course, but as a young couple struggling to make it, we had very little money. Trevor had SUCH food aversions that I had to make the decision to buy the more expensive yet healthier food for me, or the cheaper, yet nutritionally devoid food for him. My weight started to creep back on. I also was happy—he loved my body, told me so all the time. I no longer felt horrible about the way that I looked, and shrugged when my sizes started to slowly creep back up.

After our “divorce” and the subsequent toxic relationship with Jay in addition to the abortion he demanded I have, my weight has crept back. I am, at last weigh in 3 weeks ago, back over the 200 lb mark. Weight Watchers let me go because I was no longer a model for their program. I hate that. I hate my body. I hate looking in the mirror at what I did to myself. My weight is contributing to the problems I have with depression because I am angry at myself. Losing the 100 lbs was the biggest accomplishment of my life, and I blew it, like I blew my relationship with Trevor and my dream job (more on that later.)

I still feel like I’m 155 lbs. I’m not going to lie, I’m vain. I enjoy wearing makeup, the cutest shoes, and the most fashionable, reasonably priced clothes. I love the stares that I used to get from guys because, at my thinnest, I am hot—big boobs, hourglass figure, big green eyes, and long blond hair that curls naturally into the Cosmopolitan hairdo. Yea, that’s me. I love walking into any clothing store and finding clothes that fit. I love fitting into the expensive riding gear I bought with hard-earned money. I love seeing the desire darken my boyfriend’s eyes. I don’t get that much anymore.

Please don’t get me wrong—I am not putting down anyone who struggles with their weight because I know exactly how hard it is. I am not critical of ANYONE who is overweight. I am saying that I, Aurora, am unhappy with the way that I look because I prefer to be thinner, for my own health. I have asthma and sleep apnea, in addition to a high family risk for diabetes.

I have a choice. I have a choice to continue to slide back to become what I used to be, or take a stand. I’m choosing to fight. I thought of this yesterday on the way home from the doctor’s. I will fight to win back the people I love, why can’t I fight for something I can control?

I go back to Weight Watchers this afternoon, at 4:15. I will let you all know exactly what I weigh, and will be posting my weights after every weigh in. I need that accountability, and I thank you for providing me with it.

So, dear Reader, have you ever struggled with weight?

Friended by Mom & Dad on Facebook

When I joined Facebook several years ago, it used to be only open to college students; you had to register with a college email address in order to be added to the list. As Facebook's popularity grew, it started to become less and less exclusive. Suddenly, the site started allowing high school students to join. Parents then joined to keep track of their children's Internet use, and then started networking with their own friends.


Enter the "Facebook Age."

Suddenly what used to be the place to post drunken pictures from last night's party or bemoan via status update about how you haven't yet begun the research paper due in 3 hours has to be censored. It's bad enough that you have to worry about Facebook being utilized as a background check service by a potential employer (or date). Now every post/picture/note must be scrutinized to determine what might happen if your parents saw it. As Brooks Adickman (love the last name!), co-founded of MyParentsJoinedFacebook.com said, "When parents start joining, the party's over."

My mother is one of those parents who has joined Facebook. And since we all know that social networking sites are essentially "casually stalking," she has become obsessed. The following incidents have occurred since she joined:

* She has friended my friends, college roommates, and ex-boyfriends.

* She comments on my status updates about how much she loves me.

* She discusses people’s Facebook updates with them the next time she sees them.

* She uses Facebook to keep abreast of town gossip: “Did you know that John & Sandy got engaged?… It’s on her Facebook!”

* She goes to family parties or social engagements and immediately asks "are you on FaceBook?...I'll friend request you when I get home!"

* While sorting through family photos, she finds embarrassing childhood pictures (luckily not of me), and scans them into her photo album.

* She has reunited with family on Facebook (not a negative)

* She inundates me with Farm Town, Farm Ville (did you know there are TWO identical programs?), and Pillow Fight requests..... NOTE: I abhor the Facebook applications. I miss the simpler days.

I find the above habits more amusing than annoying though. She’s a social person, and extremely family oriented, so she enjoys being able to connect with relatives spread all over the globe. She recently began conversing with a distant cousin in Greece, and now plans to fly my whole family over there to visit. SCORE!

So, dear Reader, do you have any similar stories to share? Rant, whine, laugh, cry, and commiserate with me.

Perfect Moment Monday (err...Tuesday)

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

Catching up on my blogging commitments I have been neglecting with the beginning of school (and the lack of a computer).

I am sorry that I didn't have a picture of this because it truly was a perfect moment.

On Friday, in celebration of the true last day of my vacation, Magic and I went on a trail ride to the local state park. It was the first time we have ventured off the property together under saddle. Because it was so hot, I encouraged Magic to get close to the water to get a drink. The next thing I knew, he happily splashing around in the water up to his neck. I was scared at first, wondering if he was going to freak out (he's never been swimming before), then relaxed and enjoyed the moment. It was a perfect day with my perfect horse.

What a way to end the summer!

Gotta go back, back to school!

It is a tradition in my family that my mother would wake my sister and I up on the first day of school by blasting this song from the movie Grease 2.

So in honor of all the teachers, students, and parents who begin school today or this week, enjoy this song from my family to yours.

Recyclable Spouses

Once, while Trevor and I discussed getting married, I commented that he better be sure he was absolutely read to say "I do" because I do not believe in divorce (with the exception of extreme cases, such as abuse). I come from a very conservative, Catholic family. My parents have been married for 25+ years, and my grandparents for 50+.  Like any couple, they have their share of arguments. Yet, unlike so many couples today, they stay true to the promises they declared before God, friends, family, and, most importantly, each other.

As I journey further into the world, I realize that my opinion of marriage is antiquated compared to the attitudes others share. For one, I'm sure that everyone who utters the vows wishes it would last forever, but so many people say “if all else fails we’ll get a divorce.” With that type of attitude, how can you expect the marriage to survive? Others look outside the marriage for friendship and sexual enjoyment without trying to foster those in their relationships. The local fire department near me is infamous for affairs between its married members.

I blame this all on the culture of self that pervades our society. It's a culture that demands that "I" must always be happy. Ergo if you do not feel happy about a marriage, or if you desire another, or just get tired of the responsibilities marriage demands, you have the right to.  The culture demands that you cast aside the emotions of your spouse, your paramour, and your children. The Culture of self ignores how relationships aren’t always easy; sometimes you just need to grin and bear it, and even sacrifice some things for the other person. The culture of self demands that everything be easily won, especially romance; it does not want to work with another to trust, forgive, overcome obstacles, and figure out how to live together. In fact, the Culture of self frowns on those that work for their relationships. Those that subscribe to the culture of self believe that they are perfect in their relationships, and their partner should be the same. If their partner is not perfect, clearly that means that you need to abandon it. The school of thought that I come from recognizes that since you make mistakes, you should forgive those of your partner.

My relationship with Trevor wasn't perfect-- we both made mistakes though his were more public than mine. Each time I forgave him, I was confronted by a crowd of narcisstics who clucked their toungues disapprovingly and told me I was stupid for loving him enough to forgive. Ironically, those same people are serial cheaters; some have even been divorced four times. I'm ashamed to admit that I grew to believe that they were right; that there must be something wrong with me for forgiving. I've learned one very important thing since then:

Just because the crowd is all saying the same thing, doesn't mean that it is right.

America is the top "throw away society" in the world. Bombarded with advertising, we have bought into the belief that we ‘deserve’ what we want the moment the desire hits, from the biggest gas-guzzler, to the newest house, to buy now and pay later. We have mortgaged our souls and strayed from the good road. Once, we understood that we must earn the things we desire and we lived with our world in balance, not taking more than necessary, no hoarding, but sharing with those in need. Then we let greed become our new religion. I strongly believe that this consumerism strays into our personal lives as well.

With the state of the environment and economy, there are calls for reform. In order to completely change, we must also extend reform into our personal lives. While we sip from our BPA-free water bottles and  tote our reusable shopping bags packed with our organic groceries out to our Hybrid cars, we should consider doing the same for our spouses.

three's company, four's a crowd.

Take my advice, never drink 3 Mike's, 4 diet coke and bacardis, plus chain smoke a pack of cigarettes while on birth control and Wellbutrin. The morning after is not pretty.

Went to Mia & Amsten's daughter's first birthday party yesterday. Was totally enjoying playing with their daughter-- she is a peach. I wish I was still a one year old; at that age, being covered in frosting and having a chubby belly is called adorable. At my age, they try to send you to rehab.

I'm sitting down on the patio near the lake when I hear a familar voice: Jay & Dogface have shown up to the party. Wonderful.

To make it even better, I'm sitting next to Amsten's little sister, Layne, who Jay fucked last summer. He took one look at the both of us, and immediately got the "oh shit, I'm screwed" look on his face. Oh yes, Jay. Layne and I talked. We're both well aware of the relations that the other had with you. Well. aware. I didn't bring it up actually, Layne did. Mia had filled her in  Layne's comment? "She [Dogface] looks like she ran into a brick wall. WTF is wrong with him?"

I left at that point to scoot back to my lake house. Mia and Amsten live on the opposite side of the lake, and I knew that Amsten would enjoy the opportunity to go tubing. Spent the rest of the day driving the boat, swimming, etc. At one point, Jay, Layne, and I were in the boat together. It was an interesting experience. Jay kept up with his sexual innuendos and I kept sassing him back. At one point, he said, rather hurt, "you used to love my innuendo." I shot back, "that was before you started fucking DogFace." I even called her DogFace, which sent Layne into a fit of laughter. Jay had no comment. Hah.

When it started darkening, I exchanged the boat for my car, and drove back with a handle of Bacardi that needed finishing. Played Asshole and FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, similar to Kings), and I indeed get fucked up. For those of you who have never played FUBAR, there is a card that requires a waterfall, which basically means that you have to keep drinking until the person in front of you stops. Dumbass me sat on the opposite side of Jay who can shotgun a beer with no problem. I was playing with the hard stuff so I was gulping down entire shots during this.

Ended up going swimming, which seemed like a good idea until I realized that I was way too drunk for this, and could possible drown. Left the table twice to lay down in the sand because I felt like I was going to puke. Jay came and looked for me both times. The first time he encouraged me to get up and as I reached for his hand, he was like "not my dick though I know that you do that so well." The next time, I asked him to bring me to my lake house. I was well aware that if I got him alone I could easily fuck him. Amsten, realizing what happens when Jay and I get alone, came along for the ride. Cock block.

Jay brought me inside, and as I asked him for a water, he yelled out, "Night, I'm NOT sleeping with you." WTF? I think he said that more for Amsten's benefit than mine. I hadn't made any sort of move on him, and I was so drunk I could barely stand. I may have wanted to fuck him, but I wasn't going to try anything with Amsten five feet away. However, sex must have been on his mind.

Have to see him later because my flip flop and my sunglasses are in the back of his truck, and I am going to need those.

I miss Trevor. This may sound narcisstic, but it's nights like last night that remind me that I am no longer someone's #1. He wasn't riding copilot with me in the boat or having tubing wars with me. He wasn't joking with the boys. There was no one laying down with me rubbing my back as I felt like I was going to throw up. Trevor never did that because I never drank that much with him around. He stopped me from doing alot of the things that I've been doing lately-- the things that I'm not proud of. He would cut me off when I got a slight buzz, take the lit cigarette out of my hand, and gently warn me when my bitchiness at another got too obvious.

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on

But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone

I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me

But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me

Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v.

Boy it aint easy

When I hear our song

I get that same old feeling

Wish I could press rewind

Turn back the hands of time

And I shouldn't be telling you

...PS: I'm still not over you

~ Rihanna

Goal #31 Accomplished

Purchased this Inspiron 15 laptop from Dell in Promise Pink. Best of all, it comes with a 2-year "Anything Happens" warranty so if I do anything to it--spill soda on it, drop it, whatever-- it will be replaced. And if you know anything about me, you'd know that is a smart warranty to purchase.

Also, I want to wish a very happy Friday to the lurkers out there. *waves*  According to my stats, I have infinitley more unique visitors than I do followers. I want to invite those of you just stopping through to consider commenting or, at the very lease, clicking that little "Follow" button, and getting to know me a bit better.  You're guaranteed a good laugh, a return "follow" from me with tons of comments on your blog, and, most importantly, a self-esteem boost because your life cannot be as messed up as mine.  So what are you waiting for?

Friday AM insomnia

Accomplished goal #45 this evening-- I purchased a 3.448 ct sky blue topaz with 2.2 grams of silver ring for 30 bucks! YAY!

I also asked Mustang to join me for a drink at Paddy's this weekend. We scheduled it for Saturday night (sorry Twins) since he has stuff to do tomorrow(Friday) night. YAY!

Mustang introduced me to these music pairings from musical genius PartyBen. They are well worth the watch. Make sure you watch the Single Ladies in Mayberry-- the mashup of video is hysterical.

Check out the redecorating

One of my graduated 8th grade students, Dakota*, so generously offered to help me redecorate my classroom. Okay, I bribed her with pizza and ice cream... and she was desperated to get out of her house. Thanks to our efforts, my classroom is now organized and ready for the new year.



The students' work station. Notice the instructions on the board; last year the students would print out their assignments, and leave them for me to collect. It was a nightmare. This year, I'm decreeing that they need to staple and pass their work in themselves!



My desk-- notice the organization!



Alternative seating arrangments. I may teach computers, but the students still watch presentations and do group work off the computer. Still to come: a yoga ball and a bean bag chair.



Computer rules section complete with posters unearthed at a yard sale.



You "otter" love computer bulletin board. This is my favorite one because it features recycled salad containers as keys. The kids get a kick out of it too, and it helps them to learn where the keys are as they are waiting in line to be dismissed. It is a pain in the A$$ to put up, and I literally cried when I was told to take it down at the end of the year.



This is my "Catch of the Week" wall where I post student exemplars.





Back wall with my lights, flower garland, and bandana "curtains"?



Mini fridge with drawers for headphone storage for each class.



The pitifully incomplete tree.

Don't forget, comments on this or any of my other posts between now and August 26 will enter you in the giveaway!

Warning: Detour ahead

Dating after a long-term relationship is like taking a car trip to a familiar destination, only to find that the familiar road that you usually take has been washed out. You have many alternate routes to choose from, but you're not sure where each is going to eventually lead, what the scenery is going to be, and what the speed limit of each is. So you sit in the car, staring at the Detour sign, wondering if you could try to brave the washed out road. Is it worth the risk of getting lost? Should you just go back home?

I've been sitting at that crossroads for a long time, staring longingly at the closed off road, hoping, praying, and dreaming that the barriers will be magically lifted. I miss Trevor so much sometimes, but I've got to come to terms with the fact that, at least for now, I've lost him. Even though his family says that he is adrift without me, Trevor himself has not acknowledged that.

I've been talking to WorkFriend via text and AIM for a few hours every day since we met. WorkFriend will hereafter be known as Mustang since WorkFriend is just so impersonal. He’s a pretty interesting guy—as much as I hate to say it, Jay might have actually been right when he commented that we were compatible. He reads, listens to much the same music I do, and is actually pretty funny—though I can tell that he has spent time with Jay since he uses some of the same phrases Jay coined. He is of much stronger moral stock than Jay, and I’m kinda starting to crush. I think he’s interested especially since he texts me from work and initiates the text.

So my question now to my followers and lurkers (especially men) is this—how do you go from the talking on the phone stage to the actual DATE? It’s been such a long time since I actually dated—Jay and I hung out through mutual friends. I don’t want to ask him since, according to several reputable online sources (y’know, e-how) , a woman asking a guy out usually leads to a booty call relationships. What does one do?

Any and all advice is most welcome and appreciated!

Goals 34 & 102 accomplished + a giveaway!

This post is #102 of my 101+ things to in 1001 days: nude sunbathing. I'm currently laying on my parents' pool deck, sipping iced tea, and listening to my new musical obsession: Theory of a Dead Man in the pursuit of ITLs (Invisible Tan Lines.) It's in the middle of the day in the middle of a work week, so I'm hoping that no one will notice. Pictures of this particular accomplishment will NOT be posted.

I'm already starting to see the value of the DayZero Project. It was a slow, laborious process to compile my list, and I thought more than once about setting fewer goals-- hence #101- finish this list.

I've noticed an interesting phenomenon in the few days since I completed the list. As I've gone through my daily life, I've thought of others to add! I've taken to writing them down in the notebook I keep in my purse, and will add them to my list in a few days.

According to www.selfgrowth.com, it has been estimated that over 90% of the total population in the United States alone fails to effectively set goals and act upon them.

I find this extremely disturbing. When I was losing the weight (I lost 100 lbs from 2003-2006), I accomplished it only by setting small, weekly goals for myself. I got away from that, and gained 50 lbs back. Now, I'm humbly back on the weight loss track. I do much better when there is structure, so the new school year will allow me to go to meetings, the gym, log my steps, and journal. I can't imagine that 90% of the population has never achieved a goal. To this day, watching the scale read 150when it previously read 250 had been my proudest moment.

In the spirit of goal setting, I am going to also accomplish #34 on my DayZero list. I'm giving away The Next Thing on My List, which is about a woman who sets out to accomplish the "bucket list" of a woman she accidentally killed in a car accident. It's one of those books meant to be read next to the pool or, my favorite, in a relaxing bubble bath. So, I'm also pairing the book with the Karma Bubble Bar from my favorite bath and body store: Lush. For the animal lovers out there (always thinking of you, Twinsie), the bar is Vegan and have not been tested on animals.




Here’s how to enter:

* Each legitimate comment on any post on Confessions of a Cocktail Napkin between today and August 26 will earn you one entry per comment into the giveaway.
* For one additional entry, please become a follower of my blog.
* For two additional entries, please add me to your blogroll and leave a comment on this post letting me know that you did.
* For two more entries, please mention this contest on your blog and leave a comment on this post with the link.


The winner will be drawn on August 26!

Comments are back!

Many thanks to Camile for emailing me to tell me that comments were not working on my blog! Comments have been enabled again!

By the way, Camile is hosting a sweet giveaway on Classroom Confessions specifically for teachers. She is giving away a copy of the indispensible The First Days of School by Harry Wong, a pink tote, and a ton of school supplies. Check out her the giveaway here, and make sure you tell her Aurora sent you!

Spent the afternoon in my classroom unpacking boxes. For some reason the school requires that we take down all decorations and pack our things away; I believe they expect that they will get around to cleaning the walls and desks, but they never do. At this time, my floor has not been waxed, and the counters/desks in my room are as dusty as they were the last day of school. I got my "You Otter Love Computer" bulletin board set up -- it is my favorite because it is (mostly) recycled. I used washed, small salad containers to mimic the keys on a keyboard.

I am making a concious effort to make my room as neat and orderly as possible. I set up a "work station" for the students next to the printer with a pencil sharpener, stapler, and an "inbox". My main problem last year is that the students would print out their assignments, and just leave them on the printer for me to collect. I am going to make it clear to the students that I will NOT grade anything left on the printers. I also purchased PINK (!) 3-drawer carts to store headphones. Each student is required to bring headphones in to use during class. Each class will be designated a labeled drawer to store their headphones. Hopefully it will help to prevent lost headphones.

Tomorrow's projects include putting up bandana curtains and another bulletin board. I will post pictures tomorrow!

* I did not buy a pack of cigarettes Friday so I could go outside and smoke with Jay, away from DogFace.

* I was not upset when I found out that he no longer smokes because he has a year's supply of Skoal, compliments of Country Fest.

* I did not check out one of my male cousins at yesterday's graduation party before learning that he was my cousin, and not one of my cousin's friends like I hoped.

* I am not looking forward to setting up my classroom tomorrow because of the pink accessories purchased for the classroom (pink curtains and pink drawers to store class sets of headphones)

* I did not once again over draft my checking account.

* I did not skip Redheaded slut's baby shower because I couldn't handle seeing her open baby gifts.

* I did not email the below commercial to my mother, hoping she'd get the hint.



What did you NOT do this week?

The Twinsie Collective

Reconnected with my Twinsie recently. She and I went to college together, and met through mutual friends. On the surface, she and I are totally different:

She's vegan, I'm not.
She's all-natural, I have a healthy obsession with makeup
She has an extremely hot younger brother that I would like to make poor decisions with (sorry Twins, that has to go in there).

Yet, we are a lot alike. We grew up on 80s hair metal, both our fathers work with computers, we both collect rubber ducks, we are half Canadian, and, most importantly, we were the only liberal girls in a group of extremely conservative boys. We have both spend much too much money at Lush, and both of us are lightweights, especially when it comes to margaritas from MargaritaGrill.

The boys nicknamed us Twinsies. She is Twinsie Communist (TC), and I'm Twinsie Immorality (TI). And the Twinsie collective was born; we even have our own Facebook fan club.

Most importantly, Twinsie is one of the most nonjudgmental people I've ever met; I can tell her anything, however bad, and her opinion of me doesn't change. And the mark of a true friend is when it feels like days, not years, since you've last seen them.

We also come up with the best quotes. Since she and I usually forget what we said the next day, we've decided to have a blog entry to record Twinsieisms.

* "I'd be comfortable getting it done with you around"- TC (her husband must be so happy about that *wink*)

* "Jay better hope his friend is good in bed" - TI

* "I figured there was a reason you were grinding with me that night, y'know, beyond Twinsie love." -TC, reminiscing about my extreme drunkenness at a college ball

* TI: "so u know my love for spray butter"
TC: "yes, I do know of the Twinsie's passion for spray on dairy substitutes..."
TI: "i sprayed myself in the eye...and now my contacts are buttery"

* "Oh yeah, we'll you're an asshole that can't get laid!" - TC to one of the boys

* "Hell, even our twins are twins"- TC, commenting on the fact that both of us, ahem, have rather large breasts.

Wish on a shooting star

Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there." - Good Will Hunting

So I obviously don't listen to what people say, or I have some sort of penchant for self-inflicted emotional abuse. I met them at the bar. (Sorry, Twinsie!)

Their friend was pretty funny actually, with the same sort of a humor as Jay. However, I interacted the most with Jay. We swapped stories, he teased me, kept making comments about me in bed that only I would get, he said he missed me several times, and best of all, his eyes made me sea sick as they bounced from my cleavage to my face. heh-heh. And Dogface inched closer and closer to him-- she had her hand on his leg all night. Call me vicious, but I was reveling in every single glorious minute of it.

The worst part was at the end of the night, he went home with her. I wanted him so badly by then that it was pretty disappointing--it kinda felt like he and I were on the date, and the other two tagged along. However, like a lot of people said, I don't forsee that lasting very long. WorkFriend even said later that the spark between Jay and I was pretty evident--it actually made him uncomfortable to watch us interact, and I'm sure Dogface felt the same.

After they left, I went to the beach with WorkFriend. He drives a beautiful 2007 Mustang Convertible, and the night ways way too nice to waste. We walked along the beach for while, and saw ten shooting stars. I gave him my phone number. He's pretty smart, and funny, and judging for the way he kept touching me while we were walking (around my waist, grabbing my hand), he's interested. I'm going to see where it goes. It might be something, and even if it's not, it keeps me around Jay. I missed him.

Oh, and yes, Camile, DogFace is married. To Jay's friend and coworker. Her husband left for bootcamp in late February, and told Jay to keep an eye on her. Oh, he did all right. Her husband came home from boot camp in the middle of June, and I'm not sure how he found out about them. I know that rumors were flying all over the place. I also know that he does want her back. The last thing that I do know, after being in that situation, is that your feelings for your ex are always stronger than the ones for the new guy. And somewhere down the road, you do want to go back home. She talked about her husband 4 times that night-- a sure sign she's not over him.

And I plan on being there when this falls apart.

"How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much more you really want?" - Dawson's Creek

Just when you think you've heard it all...

Written on a cocktail napkin from Someplace Special. That's actually the name of restaurant,by the way; I'm not being trite.

…I’m really trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

I’ve always known that I’m attracted to bad boys. There’s something about them—the swagger… the confidence… the independence…the sex appeal. Danger drips off of them like liquid pheremone causing my heart to pound and my panties to soak. Falling for a bad boy is always a bad idea, and I’ve been burned by them before. Each time I get burnt, I tell myself “Never, ever, again…”

They don’t start off as bad boys. They start off as charmers, that make you believe that you are incredibly lucky to be around them . And to top it off, the sex with them is usually AMAZING. The good, decent guys, who maybe aren’t so rough and ready in the bedroom, usually fall by the wayside as you (and your vagina) pursue the Stud Muffin.

I knew that Jay was a bad boy. He even told me that he was an asshole, and he had his own special brand of humor. Last night, however, trumped anything he has ever done before.

I receive a text from him, out of the blue, that says “I have a guy that I work with that wants to meet you.”

Now keep in mind I haven’t been part of this scene really since March. Texting back and forth I find that Jay showed him my picture and dude is interested in me. I immediately find this all very, very weird and uncomfortable. Last week, if you remember, he wanted nothing to do with me—even inciting me to write him yet another apology note. I tell him that I find this all very strange. His response:
“ Find your not interested then piss off last time i try to be nice.” NICE? Nice would have been flowers, a back massage, hell, a robins egg blue box from Tiffany’s. Nice is NOT trying to hook me up with some random guy I’ve never met when A) I’ve never asked him to hook me up with anyone and B) I’m still crazy for Jay.

So after this brief temper tantrum, I ask what WorkFriend looks like—Ergo, if I date him and flaunt it in his face, will he get jealous? Jay sends me his myspace link, but since I am on the road, I can’t check his Myspace. I tentatively agree to go out to the bar with them. Then I ask who else is going.

"Me and Dogface" OH. FUCK. NO.

I tell him that no, I’m just not going to be comfortable going on a double date with the two of them. I mean, how did he think that’s would EVER be okay. It’s hurtful enough to know he’s trying to set me up with someone else, and to top it off, he wants to flaunt DogFace? Trust me kids, she is nothing to flaunt. If you’re interested, I’ll send you pics of the two of them. He is well above her league.
Anyway, I say that I will meet him if there was a group of people there, sans DogFace:

Jay: I can't go out without Dogface so meet him then he is intrested and younger than u that is how u like them (he insists that I like my men young, ONLY because I happened to have dated Trevor, who is three-years younger than me.)

I question him on this: “because i like going out with her”

Uh huh. I'm not stupid. She doesn’t trust him (she shouldn’t cause I have it from a very reliable source that he’s sexing another girl) and she definitley DOESN’T trust me. And she shouldn’t. Given the chance, I’d fuck him silly and mail her a video of it.

Jay insists he’s trying to set me up with a nice guy, and keeps on insisting that DogFace is going to totally be okay with this. I’m sure she is. She gets to flaunt that she “won” him, and try to divert my attention to a new man.

At this point I’m drinking rather heavily and smoking too much pot many cigarettes, which I NEVER do. So I ask if I’m somewhat forgiven for what I said: “I am tring to hock u up with some 1 im not the lord”.

I call him an ass, and ask again: “lets work on that ok”


Question for my readers, especially the male ones. Why would he want to set me up with one of his friends? First of all, we live so far away from each other that we never see each other. Second of all, it wasn’t like we were friends before we started dating. And last Sunday, he pretty much never wanted to speak to me again. So why?

Possible answers suggested by friends:

* Guido, Ma-geek, & Redhead slut: he wants a three some
* Ma-geek, Redhead slut, & Twinsie : He wants you around as backup in case things with Dogface don't work out. He at least knows what you're up to.
* Grunge: It's some sort of loyalty game that she's playing with him. Y'kno, testing to see if he'd really be okay with you dating someone else.

This morning, for shits and giggles, I look up WorkFriend. He is not attractive to me. I have a specific type that I go for. Nerdy is not my type. Even if I was dumb enough to go on this double date, I wouldn’t go for anyone so dorkish. And I think that supports Redheadslut, et.al ‘s belief that he wants to keep me on the back burner. He knows full well that this guy is NOT going to be real competition. If he wants me back, he could have me. It’s better to set me up with someone like that then allowing me to meet someone else.

Actually, I have a much better idea. If he’s so hell bent on setting me up. I should just ask him to set me up with DogFace’s husband—that way, y’know, we’ll be even.

I fought the law, and the law won....

For me, the last two weeks before the start of school area always the most stressful. I always thought it's I realize mid-August that summer is almost over and I try to suck the last remaining drops from sunshine and summertime. Reading the blogs of teachers, such as Camile from Classroom Confessions, I realized that this a universal phenomenon.

The two weeks before school started pretty well, I felt. I went away to Mohegan Sun for a conference, and then went to visit a few teacher friends. I thought I had escaped the "two-week tease."

Not.

I was driving home from the Creative Writing group for teens that I run every Thursday. The topic, however morbid, was Obituaries. That should have been a clue. I take the "short cut" through town, and pass a cop. Instinctively, I look at my speedometer-- 30. Phew, the speed limit was 35 in that part of town-- or so I thought. This section of road is funny- the speed limit changes four times within half a mile-- I wish I was joking. I had just hit the section with the 35 speed limit when I noticed blue lights in my rearview. I pulled over, in front of the speed limit sign announcing you could now go 45 (toldja I wasn't kidding).

The cop announces that I was going 40 in a 25--the speed limit, apparently, where he clocked me. There was no way that I was going 40 there. It's less than a football field from a stop light where I had to come to a complete stop. NO WAY could I have accelerated to 40 going by him-- there are train tracks right there, I would have bounced around a lot.

Anyway, I said that I thought the speed limit was 35, and took my ticket. My father's company services to public safety departments-- I wasn't pissing off a customer, and I realized quite early never to fight with a cop on duty.

The damages: $100 dollars for the overage PLUS a $50 surcharge fee.

I plan on fighting it. I SWEAR there are no signs announcing the speed limit from where he clocked me till the one where in announces that it's now 35. I plan on getting a map of the town highlight my route, then labeling the speed limit signs. Judges like visuals, right?

I slink off to my apartment which is 100 yards from where I got stopped, and put on Rescue Me to comfort me. Denis Leary (and his character) are such assholes, it can only make me feel better about myself. I put laundry in during commercial breaks.

About 11, I go to bed--set on sleeping a full night in my bed, which I haven't been able to do while sleeping alone. I fall asleep immediately, only to be awoken by a loud, persistent banging on my apartment door. I look through the peephole to see a rather burly man standing there, insisting he's maintenance. I let him in-- rather stupid, in retrospect. I live alone, and the guy easily outweighed me. I should have called the apartment community for confirmation, asked for a badge, or something.

Turns out, my washing machine hose burst, leaking water into the apartment below. He advised me not to use my machine at all, and said he'd return tomorrow to fix it. I try to go back to sleep, give up at about 3 am, and spend the rest of the night on the couch.

Bad things always come in threes, and I'm waiting for the next axe to fall.

Thousand Word Thursdays.

This is a pile of rocks at Walden Pond in Concord,MA. People bring rocks to Walden Pond – to say “I love the journey to visit this place; and I love the meaning of Thoreau’s life.” Visitors add their rock to a pile of rocks that people from around the world have been adding to for about 150 years - that’s probably about five or six generations.

Supposse I said I wanna come back home...

Dear Trevor*,

I recently took a quiz that asked me to reflect on what in the past year I regret the most.

What instantly popped up in my head was the last time you stayed with me at my new apartment. You stayed behind to have dinner with me, and while at work that day, I logged into your Myspace account. I knew that this was something you really hated. Yet that sort of cybersnooping, however wrong, is my way of proving to myself that I can trust you. My trust in you ( and vice versa, I’m sure) was damaged in the whole break up process…I was trying to regain it back. I read a few emails between you and a girl, and got angry. I went home to confront you, and you said it was 100% over.

I regret confronting you and going on your myspace in the first place. I was still seeing Jay* at the time, a fact that I was very open with you about. I was afraid to break things off with Jay because I didn’t know if you had really changed. Therefore, I had no right to attack you about talking to another girl online.

I miss you, Trevor. So much that it takes my breath away when I look at pictures of us, or the three animals we share, or visit places that we went to together – Rocky Neck Beach; Hampton Beach; Colt State Park, our apartment in Thompson and Quinebaug. I miss your family, who I loved, better or worse, as if they were mine. The cold side of the bed affects me—I haven’t slept a full night in my bed since you left. I miss laying in bed with you, watching Tv and eating pizza. I miss you holding me at night, one hand on my stomach as a promise of the children we both want to have. I miss your smell—I miss the Mt. Dew cans littered on the bedroom floor. I miss your little “tin can car” in my driveway.

Things weren’t great,but we shared a great love. We made a lot of mistakes young couples make—living beyond our means, expecting too much from the other. Maybe we need to spend time apart to both mature to the point where we can stand on our two feet (me, emotionally, and you, financially). I have seen so many movies, and heard so many stories about lovers who broke apart, and found each other years down the road. I sincerely hope that is true for us because you are the ONLY one I have ever wanted to marry and have children with. I have had such trouble dating because I gave you my heart a long time ago. What do I have left to give another?

It's funny, Tigger, but I think I love you more than I do the day that you left. Why? Because I know now exactly what I lost.

While I know I should be patient and wait for the perfect time, I can't help but feel this sense of panic. Every lonely heartbeat, every jagged breath moves the day til it becomes part of the seemingly endless stream of days without you. I'm scared of slipping into the raging river of time, leaving barely a ripple in your memory and heart.

I know that you are dating, Molly* has filled me in on your newest girlfriend. But she also says that you find a way to bring the conversation ‘round to me, the same that I do when I talk to her. It gives me hope that maybe your heart is still within my grasp.

Love,

Aurora

We'll meet again at heaven's gate....

So I made it till 9:15. :-P

I went to dinner at my parents and then packed up my bike in the back of my Dad's Durango. We dropped my little sister, T, off at Special Olympics Softball. While my parents watched her practice, I took off on my bike through the streets of Putnam. I forgot how much I love biking and how much of a workout it is. All in all, I did about 3 miles. Once I get my seat fixed (it keeps falling down on me), I'm going to take it out for a much longer bike ride, hopefully in RI near the shore.

Found out this evening that a legend is being put down on Thursday. Rudy is a gray purebred Arabian stallion that has sired many children, and taught many (including me) to ride. In his heydey, he was the epitome of the Arabian ideal. He's lived a long, full life, and is being put down because he has begun urinating blood--which usually means a tumor. My condolences go to his owner and her family, in addition to all of the riders that know and love him.

Going to say goodbye tomorrow.

"Laziness may appear attractive, but work brings satisfaction"- Anne Frank

I’ve become one of those people I hate: lazy.

The type of people that sit at a desk all day only to sit on the couch watching TV/ perusing the internet when they get home.

I’m ashamed to say that I’ve gained seven pounds during my summer vacation. Why? Because I barely move. And that lack of movement just makes me feel tired and sluggish. It’s 3:00 pm, and I’m sitting here in a coma that only an intense amount of caffeine can awaken me from.

I need to be motivated, and start getting in the 10,000 – 15,000 steps that Weight Watcher recommends for weight loss.

So I’m declaring a moratorium on technology from 4:30 pm to 10 pm each night. I will dedicate that time to accomplishing physical tasks, including riding my horse, taking the dog for runs, dance class, and swimming. Oh, and actually using the tail end of the gym membership I paid $150 for at the end of June, and only used twice!

I also need to get back into the habit of keeping track of my Points. As I write this, I have today’s consumption diligently recorded in my new purple Journal. Let’s see if I can say the same this time tomorrow.

I’ve also discovered, through Sarah at the 20sb.net, the Day Zero Project. http://www.dayzeroproject.com/ where you make a list to accomplish 101 things 1001 days. I’m currently working on my list, and I will upload sometime tomorrow!

For Teachers:

I had the privledge to listen to Tony Mullen, National Teacher of the Year, at this year's CEA Summer Leadership Convention at Mohegan Sun. I enjoyed listening to him speak overall, but this story really struck me:

“I was recently at a three day summit in Tennessee with a whole group of policy makers and governors and senators. And I listened to them for three days talk about their ideas on how to build a better school, how to develop a national curriculum, and how to make teachers more effective.

But as I listened to these politicians, policy makers, best selling authors, and Harvard professors, I realized there was one common denominator: none of them taught. None of them spent any time in the classroom, and none of them really understood what we go through every day as teachers. And one of the nice things about having a title, National Teacher of the Year, is that when you do go to such events, they bring you to table one. And you get to sit with some of the same people that just spoke.

And I have to say after two days my blood was kinda boiling, after I listened to it, because I realized that when we go to places as teachers, and people are talking, it’s almost as though we are invisible. We are allowed to come to some events as spectators, not players. And the teachers that were there at that confrence, and there was about thirty of us, were very much spectators at that confrence. So I sat back at my table, and I had listened to these individuals, most of them were at my table. I was actually sitting at a table with four governors, a United States Senator, and two best selling authors from Harvard University. And after they all got done, each one telling the other one how good they did, I sat there, and they said “what do you think?”

And I said, well I have a title too, National Teacher of the Year, I have several degrees, and I was wondering what it would take for me to be part of a group of policy makers that are going to restructure national health care. And if I could sit on a committee that not only would restructure national health care, but that I can also help write the procedures that doctors would use in the Emergency Room.

It got really quiet at the table right then, and the one governor, a former governor, from Florida, there was kinda a pregnant pause. I said, well yea I guess that’s kinda ludicrious isn’t it. I said yet I’ve heard here for the last two days, people who have never taught in a classroom, who have never taught a child, tell me how to teach. You think it’s ludicrious that I cannot sit on a committee that can tell doctors how to heal people and you know what it is. I’ve never worked in an Emergency Room, I’ve never treated a patient, so why is that the people here at this convention that are part of the the same group that are going to write the national standards for this country are not inviting teachers to the table. That’s what I told them at the table.

The next morning I was not at table one, for breakfast. "

Not Me Monday

I did not send Jay* another MySpace mail apology about how I am sorry for what I said, and was not upset when he read it, but didn't write back. Not me!

I do not cry Sunday when I realized Trevor* (my ex of two and a half years with whom I broke up with in November) would be intensely proud that I can now ride Magic. I do not still consider Magic "our" horse, nor did I wish that I never broke up with him. Not me!

I did not spend $92 on sex toys nor $160 on makeup at Sephora when I promised myself i would start paying off my credit cards. Not me!

I would never call up Jake* after the sex toy night because I was horny enough to abandon my new morality laws. Not me!

I did not invite Jake over to watch Blood Diamond only to fall asleep on him 15 minutes after he got there, even though he had an hour drive. Not me!

I do not spend most of my day shamelessly surfing 20sb.net, or Myspace, or facebook while being paid to do marketing for my parents' company. Not me!

I do not prefer my cat Spooky to the other two. Not me!

I would not overdraft my checking account by $213.11 because I was too lazy Friday night to deposit my paycheck. Not me!

I would never, ever skip the gym because to watch Army Wives. Not me!

like trying to turn around on a one-way street

Back from an, ahem, stimulating weekend in Manchester with A-Lister and her roomies. A-Lister and I met last year at the Connecticut Writing Project's Summer Institute and have remained friends since.

Friday night, after getting lost numerous times, I finally made it to Amanda's condo. We went to karyoke at Butterfly's, a restaurant/bar in West Hartford. Amanda and I conned the KJ/DJ into allowing us to sing at the end of the night. I, per usual, put on my best Alannah Myles voice, and sang "Black Velvet." At the bar, I met this chap dressed in jeans, a button down, and a sports coat, with Dirty Saucony's.

Note: if you're going to rock the casual-preppy look that I noticed so many guys in Hartford doing, make sure your shoes do not ruin the effect.


He bought me a drink, even though I had a full one already. Inspired by A-Lister introducing her self as "Sandra" (pronounced SAHndra), I wove a little yarn of my own with plenty of details to make it believable. I told him I had a twin brother, who continually gives me shit because he is 14 minutes older. His name, I said, was Patrick Murray and mine was Pamela Marie--> this part has roots in truth; Patrick is a friend of mine, and when Dirty Saucony noticed me texting him, I was inspired to lie.


After Karyoke, Mr. Dirty Saucony, A-Lister, and I traveled to Gold Rock Diner in West Hartford, which apparently is the late-night hot spot. I had chocolate chip pancakes. Mr. Dirty Saucony paid for our meals, and we left. He didn't ask for a good night kiss, and I didn't give him. He seemed content just to spend time in the presence of two lovely ladies. I found out in the car that A-Lister actually believed my tale of a twin.


Spent most of Saturday on a road trip to Woonsocket, RI with A-Lister to pick up some necessary supplies for that evening's party.


A-Lister is a teacher by day, Athena's goddess by night, and her roommate C hosted a party. C had all of the attendees bring a decorated banana or cucumber. There were prizes involved, and my banana won "Best Dressed!"




"Jose Tequila" featured a sombrero, mustache, and rocked a matching blue maragarita glass until he got too drunk to sit up straight, and fell over.

The demonstration was hysterical. C and A-Lister had "hired" one of their friends, Coop, to be the bartender and love slave for the evening. Lucky him, he also got to help demonstrate the products:

I also participated in a "blow job" race, much like a pie eating contest, in which you searched through a pile of whipped cream to find a piece of double bubble. The first to blow a bubble won.

Due to some defaulty gum (ahem, A-Lister), I walked away with a few condoms and a sample of Coochy cream, which is "a rash-free shave creme that’s gentle enough for the most sensitive areas of your body! It can prevent those unsightly red bumps! Also highly recommended as a hair conditioner. Great on natural curls! Essential for the summer!"

I also ordered Pure Instinct, which is a scentless cologne for both guys and girls that makes the scent of your pheremones stand out. The stuff is not a gimmick-- it seriously does work. A few months ago when I was seeing Jay, I put the stuff on right before I went over to his house. I walked into a dark apartment to find him shaking in bed-- he had drank too many red bull and vodkas the night before (plus a ton of beer). He just wanted to hold me, and I seriously contemplated calling an ambulance because I thought he was going to go into shock. Within 10 minutes, he was raring to have sex, and after we finished, I lay there trying to figure out what had turned him on like that. The answer: I had put Pure Instinct at the nape of my neck, and he had been laying there with his face in my hair smelling it. Crazy.

I also ordered a "Lil' Darlin," which I won't post a picture of. It's a dual-action vibrator that was way more reasonably priced than the Golden Jack Rabbit, which did everything, except smoke a cigarette after you were done with it.

Went out bar hopping in Hartford with C and her friends. All in all had a great weekend, and met some great new people!

I guess I really wasn't crazy...

Realized something today, which is going to seem really basic, but it is important.

DogFace wasn't the other woman-- I was.

There, I said it, and it takes a ton of fortitude for me to admit to it.

She and Jay have worked together for about 2 years. They have been friends for just as long. She was the first friend he told about me (and vice versa), and I knew from the get go that they were close. What I'm trying to say is that the attraction -- sexual, compatibility, or whatever they share-- must have been brewing all along. Yet, she was married. So Jay met and started seeing me.... and then DogFace's husband left for the Army. They started spending more time together..and i'm not sure when and where it happened after that. I know Jay started pulling away from me during that time, so I'm not blaming him for cheating on me.... I'm sure he must really care about her for this to happen, and I want him to be happy. It explains why he got so defensive about their relationship every time I questioned it.

But I have a confession, blog readers: I want her to leave him for her husband, since I know from talking to mutual friends that she doesn't really know what to do. I really believe that had she not been around, Jay and would have had a really good chance. And that is really horrible to say because I know he'll be fucked up if that happens.

It reminds me of the Biblical story (here comes my Catholic education) of two women approaching King Solomon, both claiming parentage of one child. In order to determine which woman is lying, Solomon orders the child cut in half. It is the true mother who begs Solomon to give the child to the other, for she truly cares about the child's well being.

Does this fable apply in my case? If I truly loved him, would I want him to go through pain (her leaving) in order for him to be me? Or is it natural for a woman to want the man she loves to be with her, and disregard whatever emotional loss he might feel?

What's the use in being right? I'm the lonely one tonight

From the top of the pole, I watched her go down...

I love to exercise-- I'm very into my health and fitness level, even though I've neglected it in the past few months due to some intense stress. But I hate to "work out"-- I'm not a huge fan of running on the treadmill or doing the elliptical because I get mentally bored. So I try to do other activities or classes that get my heart rate up, and keeps me mentally engaged.

Inspired by the new show, Dance Your Ass Off, I signed up for pole fitness classes at D~L Fitness Studio in Worcester, MA. In addition, Jay* once asked me to learn how to do those moves....and even though he's not in my life, I figured it would be a good skill to learn while building confidence both in and out of the bedroom. And oh yeah, there's the weight loss component.

At my first class yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the Studio was in a renovated warehouse that is now home to an upscale salon, and one of the most popular hot spots in Worcester. Danielle, the instructor, was a perky "normal sized" blonde who started the studio after returning to MA from California. In Cali, she said, pole fitness was all the rage, but there were no studios in her neck of the woods. So she started her own. Two other girls joined me, both "normal sized."

The class was run just like a regular dance or exercise class. The music she put on was club music, and it was extremely tasteful. Danielle led us in 10 minutes of stretching and ab work (I will be using her moves over the week to build up my strength), and then she started showing us the moves we would learn that night. I learned how to figure eight, sashay, glide, and the "fairy". The glide I can get, but the fairy is difficult because it requires you to hook your left leg around the pole, put your right leg behind it, and spin. I can handle it physically, but I have to mentally let myself go to get there. After we learned 1/4 of the routine, we did 10 minutes of cool down.

This morning my arms are burning! I'm looking forward to next week's class, though I might have to go practice with the support columns in my parents' basement!

Food for Comment: Do blog readers enjoy it when bloggers post pictures of themselves and their activities (like vacation pictures, purchases, etc) or do you find that annoying and narcisstic?

Also, what do you do to make yourself feel sexy?

I was already gone....

I'm so excited by all the comments and emails I've recieved over the past few days wondering what happened with my date and where I've been. This is going to be a LONG entry because there is so much to talk about.

I was away for a few days at Mohegan Sun Casino in CT on a Summer Leadership conference for CEA (Connecticut Education Association, or the union I belong to as a teacher). We were put up in the very ritzy and expensive hotel casino (our rooms can be booked for $285 a night during the week), fed like crazy, and walked away with lots of free things (I have enough Mohegan Sun pens to last me until this time NEXT year.)

Highlights: losing my wallet and subsequently finding under a slot machine; discovering the bar in the casino that serves free drinks all night; and unlimited hot tub usage all weekend. And, oh yea, walking into the Wolf Den only to realize that the band Tinted Windows was playing, which features none other than Taylor Hanson. A fellow young teacher, Lily*, and I were instantly 14 again screaming our heads off. He may be on the "E-List" now, but their music was really good. Tinted Windows also features the guitarist from the Smashing Pumpkins, the bassist from Fountains of Wayne, and the drummer from Cheap Trick.

Mohegan Sun just happens to be near Jay's* house, and I had agreed to pick up a fellow teacher. My GPS led me straight by his house--a total mistake. Jay and I started having problems right around the time that his friend, DogFace**'s husband had just left for boot camp. I had known for a while that she thought he was attractive, and suspected she was launching an Anti-Pam campaign of her own. Jay started pushing me away. I even came to pick up something I left at his house, and Jay answered the door in his boxers-- DogFace's car parked in his apartment driveway. His explanation was that he had kidney stones, and she was a nurse-- true. We stopped talking for a while, and then started talking again-- and there were other signs that DogFace was more than just his friend. I repeatedly asked him about it-- and he kept denying it over and over again. Quote: "I ruined my own marriage, I'm not ruining anyone else's." Another quote, "DogFace isn't on the Pill-- if I was sleeping with her, she'd be pregnant." But he is extremely short with me, and has this convoluted idea of who I am that I'm not sure how he got-- I can only think that she has been bitching about me to him since I KNOW she doesn't like me. Turns out, DogFace's husband came home from boot camp, and discovered she was cheating on him (how or why, I don't know--Jay blames me because I said something to one of the other girlfriends about it-- but I've heard that DogFace* was going around work bragging to everyone that she was sleeping with Jay). To make a long story short, DogFace's car was at his house Monday morning--which means she's split up from her husband officially.

I texted him later that night to ask him to meet me for a drink (he hasn't told me or anyone they are together, so I'm playing stupid.) and he said that he would, but he was moving. His explanation as to why: he wants more space. I know-- thought he won't tell me which boggles my mind (why not tell me? The only thing I can think of is he wants to leave that avenue open to return to because he knows (or thinks he knows) that I would take him back, but wouldn't if I knew he was with her).

Here's the thing: part of me is happy that I wasn't crazy (like he told me I was for suspecting), but mostly I wish I was wrong about the two of them. If I was wrong that would mean he didn't leave me for her (she is decidedly manly, and wayyy less pretty than I am). It would mean that he wasn't so scumbag enough to sleep with his friend's wife! It would mean there could be a chance for me to get back with him. Him moving in with her is such a huge step-- I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I had my date with Jake* (the 41-year old) on Friday-- and it was a success. He took me to Sakura Tokyo in Worcester, MA, which is a hibachi Japanese restaurant. It was the perfect place to meet because there is so much going on with the dinner "show" to stimulate conversation. Also, there was a bachelorette party sitting at our hibachi grill, listening to them was interesting. Poor Jake was the only man at the table!

After dinner (he paid!) we went to the Boynton, a bar and grill in Worcester. We had a few drinks, and talked (he paid!). I found out he smokes cigarettes (kind of a negative-- I don't care, but my family is very anti-tobacco). We then went to Block 5, another bar, to round out our night (he paid!). He dropped me back off at my car, and we spent another two hours in the parking lot making out. He didn't push for anymore than that--which was wonderful. My biggest fear was that he was looking to add a "23-year old notch in his bed post". He has a great body (6'1'' and extremely muscular--he works out). He was sweet, and gentlemanly, even opening and shutting his car door as I got in and out.

I saw him again on Sunday night. He came down to my house-- we went to Pizzaria Uno (again he paid), and then went back to my house to watch Blood Diamond. He ended up giving me a full body light-touch massage, which is AMAZINGly sensual. I wanted him so bad by the end of it, because the massage is such a stimulating thing, but he was a true gentleman about it. We kissed ,but no more than that.

He calls every day, and we talk for a while. We've discussed how this whole age thing would work. I wish it was a non-issue, he doesn't seem any older than I, but he's concerned about how my family would see him (they don't care about his age), and how his daughters (he has two--12 and 17) would see our relationship.

In other news, Magic and I got a 5th out of 10 at the horse show-- for barely riding all summer, and for our first show together, I'm extremely happy.

Tonight: I'm off to Pole Fitness class in Worcester. Wish me luck!

Food for Comment: Have any of you been unable to shake off a toxic, but addictive relationship even though there was a potentially great guy/girl interested in you?

*: named changed to protect identities

** : name changed because she really does look like a dog-- and not a cute one either. One of the ones that has it's face pushed into the concrete too many times.

Quick Update

Don't have a ton of time to update, but I had a really great time last night. He was a true gentleman, and a hunk. I will be seeing him again.

In other news, according to my Trakor Myspace Tracking device, Jay was on my myspace at 3:00am last night (he works nights and he was at work.) Hmm.. I wonder if he misses me.

Detailed updates forthcoming-- I have to get to the barn and get Magic ready for tomorrow's horse show-- our first as a horse and rider team.