A Thousand Words Thursday

Magic & I had our pictures taken for my graduate school photo. While grabbing my camera in the car, I noticed my 5-inch heels sitting in the back, where I had left them after going out the other night. I got the idea to take a picture of me and Magic's "hooves." So, I put one foot in my heel, left the other in ,my boot, and very carefully put my foot next to his, and took the picture. Meanwhile, the barn owner, Sin, was freaking because she was sure I was going to get stepped on in bare feet. I didn't, and the picture came out wonderful!

A HUGE congratulations go to my BFF Twinsie and her husband Benny "the studly" Boo-Boo-- they are pregnant! So, I'm going to be Auntie Twinsie in April/May 2010. :-D

Frozen Fire

What do Casanova, James Bond, Bill Clinton, Sex and the City's Samantha, Mae West, Don Juan, and I have in common?

Answer: an insatiable sex drive

After a Puritian adolescence, I had my first kiss at the age of 18. At 19, I lost my virginity. In a few short years, I had morphed from a shy, overweight girl scared of all things masculine to a Lolita- of-sorts eagerly making up for lost time. I've done it in my childhood bed, in my dorm room, in my parents' bed, in my grandparents' bed. I've had sex in a trailer, a car, on a cruise ship, on the floor of my dorm room, in a tent, on my mother in law's living room floor, in a shower, in a tub, the back of a pickup truck, and in a hot tub. I've fucked boyfriends, exes, engaged men, married men (technically Jay was married when we got together-- it was a week before his divorce finalized), & single men. My lovers include doctors, gang members, Navy, Marines, Army. It wasn't all one-night stands or fuck buddies however. I had several long-term "relationships" and one serious relationship. Despite my overactive sex drive, I have always been faithful, even if my partner was not ( a story for another time). I was so bad that friends nicknamed me "Twinsie Immorality".

Now, on the verge of 24, I've reached a standstill. It's not for lack of opportunity-- Lord knows that I have options. It's that I no longer want to "worship the priest instead of the God", I no longer want "accept a false Messiah," to borrow words from Sharon Olds's poem "Sex without Love". I've reached the state where emotional security and "making love" is simply more desireable than "having sex" or "fucking." I miss the emotional connection; the connection of soul, heart, and mind that is consumated by a joining of the bodies. I miss laying in emotional bliss in another's arms afterwards. I miss being able to murmur "I love you" at the moment of passion. 

I've had that once in my life with Trevor, and started to have it with Jay, before I recognized his true colors. With Jay, there was a physical need associated with it. I was addicted to his pheremones. Probably why the sex was out of the park amazing. With Trevor, it was emotional. The first time we made love after we had broken up, I cried because the passion we had for each other was emotionally overwhelming. He wasn't the best love physically, but he was my best emotionally.

I'm at the point where satisfying the physical desire simply isn't worth the emotional complexity, paranoia about STDs and pregnancy, and awkwardness. I've recognized that the trysts that I've had in the past few months are becaus I was searching for lost emotions. I miss the things about making love that simple sex doesn't offer.

So, I'm done. Honestly and as a seriously as a heart attack, I am done having sex. I'm declaring my celibacy until I find or return to someone worthy of not only receiving my body and my mind. Instead of chasing relationships that are never going to work, I'm going to expend that energy fostering a relationship with myself.

I recognize that for those people that have read my blog that know me in real life, this basically means that Hell has frozen over. Some may even  be skeptical. To those people I say, "start knitting a sweater and mittens for Hades because it's going to be cold there for a long, long time."

However, as my best friend Tom so fittingly put it, "God help the man that you do find, because he has no idea what he's in for, if your sex drive has been bottling up for a long time." True.

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous." –Carrie from Sex and the City

Briefly Back On (the) Chase

"Men are not against you, they are merely for themselves"- Gene Fowler

I met Chase* in 2004. He was the one that enticed me with his tall, dark, and handsome complexion to leave the land of virginity, and cast aside my Puritanical beliefs. He was the first one, after I lost weight to pay attention to me, and make me believe that I was sexy. As his name denotes, being with Chase was a constant battle. Our on-again, off-again relationship was legendary, as was our passion. There were nights that I would wake up to him calling as he got out of work (he worked 2nd shift) asking me to come down. Even though I was at school a half hour away, I'd quickly shower and shave, and drive to his house. The next morning, I'd stumble into class, exhausted with the goofy smile of someone who had spent the night being ravaged. My friends, especially Twinsie, would shake their heads, knowing that I yet again hadn't learned my lesson.

When I met Trevor, however, I finally cast aside my obsession with Chase for the quiet comfort of love, even though Trevor wasn't as great in the sack as Chase.

Three years went by. I randomly bumped into Chase at the gym one night earlier this year. We started talking again. We always were best friends, even if Chase's inability to commit kept us apart. We've remained friends and supported each other through the various relationship problems we've encountered. Through this all, it's been platonic, even though I drunkenly texted him for sex one night. Don't get me wrong, even though Chase is now 28 (a fact which boggles my mind), he still is insanely sexy. However, now that I know what it means to "make love," and not just "fuck," I don't crave that anymore. I don't even hold Chase as the "best ever," though he is second only to Jay.

Chase texted me last weekend, and I could sense things were different, yet familiar. Conversations started to spiral into what could only lead to an invitation to come over. Last night, I got exactly that. Out of the clear blue, he started talking about how much he missed my mouth..... Even though I am pretty much done with dating because I'm tired of being hurt, and I've decided to not sleep with anyone else lest I find myself with the "slut" label, I decided that sleeping Chase might not be a bad thing. After all, I was over the emotions for him; he's a guaranteed good fuck; and since he's already on my list, he wouldn't add to my number.

So I invited him over to my apartment. I gave him head, like he wanted, and then he wanted to fuck me. I was punch drunk with desire for him at that point. Chase has an inmistakable allure. Thirty seconds later, it was over. As I lay there, wondering what the hell just happened, he sat up and said that the night was just for him, and not for me, and he wasn't even going to pretend like it was.

All I could do was laugh. It was so like Chase-- so unabashadly selfish that i couldn't even be upset with him. I should have learned from my three years with him that he was capable of it. The thought even crossed my mind as I waited for him. But I pushed it aside, too excited for the thought of reliving the past nights of passion.

So, dear Readers, what lessons have you thought you learned, only to go back to your old ways in a moment of weakness?

Goals 34 & 102 accomplished + a giveaway!

This post is #102 of my 101+ things to in 1001 days: nude sunbathing. I'm currently laying on my parents' pool deck, sipping iced tea, and listening to my new musical obsession: Theory of a Dead Man in the pursuit of ITLs (Invisible Tan Lines.) It's in the middle of the day in the middle of a work week, so I'm hoping that no one will notice. Pictures of this particular accomplishment will NOT be posted.

I'm already starting to see the value of the DayZero Project. It was a slow, laborious process to compile my list, and I thought more than once about setting fewer goals-- hence #101- finish this list.

I've noticed an interesting phenomenon in the few days since I completed the list. As I've gone through my daily life, I've thought of others to add! I've taken to writing them down in the notebook I keep in my purse, and will add them to my list in a few days.

According to www.selfgrowth.com, it has been estimated that over 90% of the total population in the United States alone fails to effectively set goals and act upon them.

I find this extremely disturbing. When I was losing the weight (I lost 100 lbs from 2003-2006), I accomplished it only by setting small, weekly goals for myself. I got away from that, and gained 50 lbs back. Now, I'm humbly back on the weight loss track. I do much better when there is structure, so the new school year will allow me to go to meetings, the gym, log my steps, and journal. I can't imagine that 90% of the population has never achieved a goal. To this day, watching the scale read 150when it previously read 250 had been my proudest moment.

In the spirit of goal setting, I am going to also accomplish #34 on my DayZero list. I'm giving away The Next Thing on My List, which is about a woman who sets out to accomplish the "bucket list" of a woman she accidentally killed in a car accident. It's one of those books meant to be read next to the pool or, my favorite, in a relaxing bubble bath. So, I'm also pairing the book with the Karma Bubble Bar from my favorite bath and body store: Lush. For the animal lovers out there (always thinking of you, Twinsie), the bar is Vegan and have not been tested on animals.




Here’s how to enter:

* Each legitimate comment on any post on Confessions of a Cocktail Napkin between today and August 26 will earn you one entry per comment into the giveaway.
* For one additional entry, please become a follower of my blog.
* For two additional entries, please add me to your blogroll and leave a comment on this post letting me know that you did.
* For two more entries, please mention this contest on your blog and leave a comment on this post with the link.


The winner will be drawn on August 26!

The Twinsie Collective

Reconnected with my Twinsie recently. She and I went to college together, and met through mutual friends. On the surface, she and I are totally different:

She's vegan, I'm not.
She's all-natural, I have a healthy obsession with makeup
She has an extremely hot younger brother that I would like to make poor decisions with (sorry Twins, that has to go in there).

Yet, we are a lot alike. We grew up on 80s hair metal, both our fathers work with computers, we both collect rubber ducks, we are half Canadian, and, most importantly, we were the only liberal girls in a group of extremely conservative boys. We have both spend much too much money at Lush, and both of us are lightweights, especially when it comes to margaritas from MargaritaGrill.

The boys nicknamed us Twinsies. She is Twinsie Communist (TC), and I'm Twinsie Immorality (TI). And the Twinsie collective was born; we even have our own Facebook fan club.

Most importantly, Twinsie is one of the most nonjudgmental people I've ever met; I can tell her anything, however bad, and her opinion of me doesn't change. And the mark of a true friend is when it feels like days, not years, since you've last seen them.

We also come up with the best quotes. Since she and I usually forget what we said the next day, we've decided to have a blog entry to record Twinsieisms.

* "I'd be comfortable getting it done with you around"- TC (her husband must be so happy about that *wink*)

* "Jay better hope his friend is good in bed" - TI

* "I figured there was a reason you were grinding with me that night, y'know, beyond Twinsie love." -TC, reminiscing about my extreme drunkenness at a college ball

* TI: "so u know my love for spray butter"
TC: "yes, I do know of the Twinsie's passion for spray on dairy substitutes..."
TI: "i sprayed myself in the eye...and now my contacts are buttery"

* "Oh yeah, we'll you're an asshole that can't get laid!" - TC to one of the boys

* "Hell, even our twins are twins"- TC, commenting on the fact that both of us, ahem, have rather large breasts.