Sorry for my leave of absence. I'm back however, and unfortunately things are not going well.

Apache came home for his 15-day leave on the 13. I picked him up at the airport, we had dinner, and had a great night in the hotel. We went out with friends on the 15th and the 16th, and spent both those nights together.

Before he had come home, he had told me he was going to need a few days to himself, and he said he planned on going to Maine for the weekend. My first hint that something was going on: he didn't want me to stay with him Friday night. Said he had to get up early to go up to Maine. Perturbed, I let it slide especially since he promised me that I would spend the night with him Tuesday night.

He goes to Maine, and I just get this feeling that something is not right. Number one, his trip to Maine happened to fall on DogFace's days off (they have a four-off, four-on rotation). Number Two, I see Jay driving past my house alone. I talk to him Monday night, and he says that he will be home from Maine on Tuesday around noon and he'll pick me up at 3.

On Tuesday, he comes home from Maine and picks me up to take me to his aunt's house for dinner. I have a bag packed, but he tells me that he is still really wiped out, and wants to be alone that night as well. What.the.fuck. Now I KNOW something is going on. We go to his aunt's and he shows everyone that tattoo that he has gotten. In his hometown. on Monday. So now I know he's lying, and I can pretty much figure out what is going on.

We get in his car, and I go to punch into the GPS the address of the movie theater we are in route to. Last address punched in? a hotel in his hometown.

So, I confront him because now I know. The conversation pretty much entails him telling me he's in love with me. and in love with her. and he just can't be with us both anymore. Guess who wants him back? Yeah, Dogface. And he's married to her. He's not married to me.

So, I cry, and plead, and beg. Because I know he's making a MAJOR mistake. And I do some not-so-cool things. Like call Jay and DogFace and scream at them. DogFace ends up figuring out that Apache has been dating me. And she freaks. Tells him she wants a divorce. and begs Jay to take her back. Jay won't take her back until she files for divorce, which hopefully will happen next week.

Where does that leave me? Apache is incredibly guilt ridden because he's convinced everything is his fault. Her leaving him in the first place? His fault for joining the army and going to boot camp. Her leaving him for good? his fault because he was weak and didn't have "strength, courage, and faith. The strength to wait, the courage to be alone, and the faith in what {he}had would come back. {He} failed at all three miserably". His fault for lying to me to protect me from being hurt.

Where does that leave me? I don't honestly know. I love him. He and I met yesterday at a park and I gave him a letter I wrote which basically said that I understand he's in pain. I understand he loves her, and I knew that the day would come when she would try to take him back, and the day would come when he would have to get over it. I understand he needs time to heal and process. And I said that I wanted to be here for him. That I hope we can be together again when he is free to be with me-- emotionally and legally. he hugged me. Told me he loved me. That he just is in so much pain he just needs to be alone.

I felt better about things after that. Then I did what I shouldn't have done. I hate being a stupid girl. I texted him this morning asking him if he thought we would be together some day. And he lost it --told me he was in so much pain he couldn't deal with this. That he needs for me to leave him alone.

But I'm in pain too. I miss him. He was my best friend and my days feel so empty without him. I want to try and help him get better. Wanna show him that I'm here and I wouldn't do that to him. That he needs to stop feeling so guilty about this because its not all his fault. That's why I texted. But I can't do that anymore. If I keep doing that I'm just going to drive him away from me.
 
I'm shitty at this giving space thing. Advice?