Not Saying Goodbye

Dear Apache,

It's been a month since you've been gone. A month since I fiercely kissed you goodbye outside the armory and tried to not let you see me cry because I didn't want to make you feel guilty. I was afraid of you finding out exactly how much you mean to me--afraid of putting my heart out there like that in case you would turn it down.

And now I'm afraid of you boarding that plane today and not knowing exactly how much you mean to me. I've alluded to it in multiple conversations, but I've never come right out and said it.

I love you, Apache

I'm not asking for you to say it back, yet or ever. I'm not asking for anything by saying it. I'm simply saying it because that is how I feel and I want you to know that wherever you go, whatever you do, I'm waiting for you at home, like I said I was going to.

I'm not the type of person that makes promises to make them. If I think I won't be able to handle something I say so. But I can handle this because in April I'll get to pick you up at the airport and in November I'll get to be there when you come home. There are going to be alot of trials along the way, I know, but if we can get through this, we can get through anything.

My cell phone is sitting next to me, and I know that somewhere in Louisiana you are packing your things, doing final checks to leave, and getting on the bus to go. I know you'll call me when you are on your way to the bus, and for the first time in our relationship, I don't want you to call me. I don't want that call to come that you are on your way to a place where you're not just a phone call or a drive away, where you are in danger, where you might not come home from. 'Cause that means that this thing we've been preparing ourselves for for the last three months is something tangible and real.

I'm not going to think like that, though you've brought that possibility up in that past few conversations we've had. I refuse to say good bye, because those words have a finality to them. Instead, I'm going to say I'll be seeing you.

I still imagine your touch

It's beautiful missing something that much

But sometimes love needs a fighting chance

So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

- "Come Home Soon"- SheDaisy