Frozen Fire

What do Casanova, James Bond, Bill Clinton, Sex and the City's Samantha, Mae West, Don Juan, and I have in common?

Answer: an insatiable sex drive

After a Puritian adolescence, I had my first kiss at the age of 18. At 19, I lost my virginity. In a few short years, I had morphed from a shy, overweight girl scared of all things masculine to a Lolita- of-sorts eagerly making up for lost time. I've done it in my childhood bed, in my dorm room, in my parents' bed, in my grandparents' bed. I've had sex in a trailer, a car, on a cruise ship, on the floor of my dorm room, in a tent, on my mother in law's living room floor, in a shower, in a tub, the back of a pickup truck, and in a hot tub. I've fucked boyfriends, exes, engaged men, married men (technically Jay was married when we got together-- it was a week before his divorce finalized), & single men. My lovers include doctors, gang members, Navy, Marines, Army. It wasn't all one-night stands or fuck buddies however. I had several long-term "relationships" and one serious relationship. Despite my overactive sex drive, I have always been faithful, even if my partner was not ( a story for another time). I was so bad that friends nicknamed me "Twinsie Immorality".

Now, on the verge of 24, I've reached a standstill. It's not for lack of opportunity-- Lord knows that I have options. It's that I no longer want to "worship the priest instead of the God", I no longer want "accept a false Messiah," to borrow words from Sharon Olds's poem "Sex without Love". I've reached the state where emotional security and "making love" is simply more desireable than "having sex" or "fucking." I miss the emotional connection; the connection of soul, heart, and mind that is consumated by a joining of the bodies. I miss laying in emotional bliss in another's arms afterwards. I miss being able to murmur "I love you" at the moment of passion. 

I've had that once in my life with Trevor, and started to have it with Jay, before I recognized his true colors. With Jay, there was a physical need associated with it. I was addicted to his pheremones. Probably why the sex was out of the park amazing. With Trevor, it was emotional. The first time we made love after we had broken up, I cried because the passion we had for each other was emotionally overwhelming. He wasn't the best love physically, but he was my best emotionally.

I'm at the point where satisfying the physical desire simply isn't worth the emotional complexity, paranoia about STDs and pregnancy, and awkwardness. I've recognized that the trysts that I've had in the past few months are becaus I was searching for lost emotions. I miss the things about making love that simple sex doesn't offer.

So, I'm done. Honestly and as a seriously as a heart attack, I am done having sex. I'm declaring my celibacy until I find or return to someone worthy of not only receiving my body and my mind. Instead of chasing relationships that are never going to work, I'm going to expend that energy fostering a relationship with myself.

I recognize that for those people that have read my blog that know me in real life, this basically means that Hell has frozen over. Some may even  be skeptical. To those people I say, "start knitting a sweater and mittens for Hades because it's going to be cold there for a long, long time."

However, as my best friend Tom so fittingly put it, "God help the man that you do find, because he has no idea what he's in for, if your sex drive has been bottling up for a long time." True.

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous." –Carrie from Sex and the City