Sunday, September 5, 2010

Summer Harvest

I am in love:


I have always loved fruit. But Raspberries and Blackberries were, for some reason, a fruit I never could get into. My friend and "surrogate mother" at work offered me some raspberries a month ago that she had lightly sprinkled with Truvia, since Splenda is made with chlorine.  I tentatively popped a raspberry and a blackberry in my mouth:

LOVE

So now I cannot get enough of fresh raspberries and blackberries. I could eat a container of them a day.

Unfortunately, raspberries are currently retailing for $4.50 for a half-pint. Blackberries are $2.99. Still cheaper and much healthier than a pack of cigarettes, but nonetheless not so good on the pocketbook. I'm gong to go on a raspberry hunt today to see if the local orchards are selling them for cheaper.

Having dreams about making this champagne cocktail when Apache comes home.


What are your favorite summer foods?

Friday, September 3, 2010

I want...

I SHOULD be working on grad school work right now, BUT my brain feels quite a bit scattered (it must the impending presence of Hurricane Earl) so I need to do a "brain dump" in the form of a blog post before I get down to business.

Me-- On my 5th Birthday


On October 11, I will be turning 25.And while I am not happy about being a quarter of a century old, I am happy about passing one more "checkpoint" to November 7 and Apache's homecoming. The only way I've been able to get through these months is by focusing on smaller pieces and making it to each one. Starting school again was one of the checkpoints, which I did this Monday. Now, I'm focusing on the month until my birthday when I can officially begin the countdown to his arrival in the States.

Focusing on my birthday has led me to focus on one thing. Birthday presents.  So this is a me-me of all the things that I would love to find wrapped up in blue paper with silver bows beside some chocolate covered strawberries.

1. 2011 Mustang GT 5.0    Except in silver, please. Thanks :-)   I've always wanted a Mustang convertible since I was young. When I bought my car in 2009, I was with Trevor and the insurance would have been outrageous. Now that almost 25 and dating a man, not a little boy, I could quite possibly buy one. So, I would love one of these with a blue bow in my drive way on my birthday.

2. Keurig Coffee Machine - I love coffee and tea. I rarely drink it cause I HATE making it. So I would love to have one of these puppies in my classroom to have some green tea whenever I want.

3. T&Co Horse shoe Good luck charm & chain.   A horseshoe. from Tiffany. 'Nuff said.


4. A bouquet of sunflowers. Apache better come through on this. I LOVE getting flowers, and have NEVER been with a guy who thought enough of me (apparently) to give me flowers on my birthday. My lovelies got me a gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers for my birthday last year, but I want them from my man. damnit. I want romance. I know he's capable of sending flowers since I know he sent DogFace some on her birthday last year. Keeping my fingers crossed.

5.  Tack Classic boots by The Original Muck Boot Company- High Cut- size 7.5.  Having a horse in a New England winter and spring is cold, muddy business. And while Wal-Mart sells those lovely colorful welly boots, they are useless keeping your feet warm in the snow. These boots are amazing in mud and muck, and I want them! AND they come in hot pink or purple. <3

6. So if I get the aforementioned bouquet of flowers, I might consider purchasing this lovely number to help welcome Apache home.

7. My customized Reebok Easy Tone sneakers. Size 7.5

8. Tiffany Bead Earrings -- To match the necklace I already have.  <3

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Question of Etiquette

I get it. Teenage pregnancy is now the way to fame. It was only a matter of time. After all, the adults have been doing it for years: Octomom, Kate Plus Eight (who I have grown to DESPISE, btw) and the Duggars, anyone?  And with teenage-target fair like Teen Mom, 16 & Pregnant, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Knocked Up, and Juno, it is no wonder that teenage pregnancy is on the rise.

How do you react when a teen you know 
announces she is pregnant? 

I've searched Emily Post for this one, and I can't find a reference. I remember my well-bred grandmother telling me years ago, that you react to someone the way they react. Ergo, if she is happy, you are happy for her.

Trevor's stepsister, A, who is 18 (almost 19) just announced via Facebook that she is pregnant. I'm not sure how old the father is, who she is now engaged to. I know that she got a tattoo of his initials at the beginning of July, and she is seriously head over heels for him. I have no clue how long they've been together, but A has always fallen hard for her boyfriends. Her stepmother (who A lives with after the recent death of her father) is not the most strict parent-- she's long let A have boyfriends sleep over.

After talking to her sister (Trevor's half sister), M, I found out that A is trying to be responsible about the pregnancy. She has worked it out with her school that she can still graduate on time at the end of May-- the baby is due at the end of April. She and the father are getting married, and planning on raising the child. She's ecstatic, and I didn't feel it was my place to lecture her, especially in light of my own experiences. IMHO, I'm not her parents, and it is not my place to stage an intervention.  I have NO idea if the pregnancy was planned, and perhaps that is a factor in the next section of this post.

So I left her a comment telling her "Congratulations!" I noticed tonight that Trevor's aunt, L, who I have always been very close with, even after my split from Trevor has deleted me off of Facebook. I have NO clue why. I haven't posted about Trevor in close to a year, and she still kept my mom as a Facebook friend.  I'm assuming that the delete has to do with A's pregnancy.  And if that's true, then how fucking juvenile is that ?!?!

It wasn't like I was supporting her going "YES! You should get pregnant!" and perhaps they are worried that all the positive attention that A is getting will cause M to think about getting pregnant as well. But that's a conversation they need to have with M.

Thoughts, readers? What would you have done?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Love the Way You Lie



Heard this Rihanna/Eminem collaboration on the radio a few times, so I checked out the video on youtube, like I do with most songs I enjoy.     Meghan Fox and Dominic Monahagn's chemistry portrays my life with Trevor more vividly than I ever thought possible.. down to the body language, broken walls, his ripped, strained wifebeaters and cheap wood paneling.

I haven't thought about Trevor in a long time, honestly. He's living his life without me, and whether I agree with it or not, its his life to lead.  And I've found that level of connection and love again with someone who is mature enough to handle it. The video just disturbed me because of how hard it hit home. In retrospect, I can't believe I lived through 3 years of that, especially the end where fighting like that was the only way we could communicate.  But I totally understand where they are at.. and am so grateful for what I have now.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Didja miss me?


I'm back!  The past few months have been a whirlwind of grad school, summer plans, gym appointments, and horse riding. I'm sorry for the hiatus-- I needed some time to figure some things out.

So, what's new with you all? I'll tell you what's new with me:

1.  Apache & I are back together... it took a few days of separation to realize that neither one of us want to live without each other. We spent two days together before he left and we've talked every day since. Things are actually better after the "fight," as I've deemed it. His relationship with DF is undeniably over, and he is filing when he gets back. And that's something he's told her (i've seen the emails), his family, and me. He's removed her from the death benefits, and had it arranged to go to his family. He had her removed from his accounts (according to his sister and dad as well).  He has been much more forward with his family about what we are to each other-- his parents, sister, and aunt have all commented about how much Apache has talked about me and how important I am to his life. He's encouraged me to visit them, and his mother invited me to Maine for a week starting next week....And we are moving in together when he gets home-- his idea.

Trust me, dear readers, that I have put him through his paces-- he was not immediately allowed back in and he's given me every reason to believe that this is what he wants.

2. I hired a personal trainer & I'm working on dropping weight... I've lost 12 since the middle of June, and I'm hoping to lose 25 lbs by my 25th birthday (October 11)... and then hopefully 40 by the end of November (when APACHE comes HOME for GOOD!!!!) :-D

I'm sorry for the lame post, but consider it a warm up before your irreverant Aurora returns! I'm glad to be back!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

What you've done

Trying to rip the blinders off. Trying to work up the courage to walk away, in part because I am not strong enough to give someone space if I want to be with them.

So this is an angry post, because right now I need to be angry:

What you've done to me:

* Convinced me to be faithful to you for four months while you were gone away.

* Made me dream about the day you'd be home, and buy clothes and prepare things for all these plans that we made. Movies we'd see...restaurants we'd visit..clubs we'd go to.

* Made me open my heart to your family... your sister, your parents, your extended family, and especially your nieces and nephew

* Lied to me about your whereabouts

* Made me feel like I'm not good enough because you chose this woman, who has cheated on you and fucked up your head so badly. Clearly, there is something wrong with me. At least, that's how I feel.

* Put me in so much emotional pain that it feels physical. I can't eat because I'm constantly nauseous. I can't sleep because I'm plagued by dreams. The physical pain in my chest hurts so much that I got a tattoo on my back yesterday, and I didn't flinch. not once.

* Made me love you. Made me believe, and I still do, that you love me too. Made me question WHY this is NOT enough.
Sorry for my leave of absence. I'm back however, and unfortunately things are not going well.

Apache came home for his 15-day leave on the 13. I picked him up at the airport, we had dinner, and had a great night in the hotel. We went out with friends on the 15th and the 16th, and spent both those nights together.

Before he had come home, he had told me he was going to need a few days to himself, and he said he planned on going to Maine for the weekend. My first hint that something was going on: he didn't want me to stay with him Friday night. Said he had to get up early to go up to Maine. Perturbed, I let it slide especially since he promised me that I would spend the night with him Tuesday night.

He goes to Maine, and I just get this feeling that something is not right. Number one, his trip to Maine happened to fall on DogFace's days off (they have a four-off, four-on rotation). Number Two, I see Jay driving past my house alone. I talk to him Monday night, and he says that he will be home from Maine on Tuesday around noon and he'll pick me up at 3.

On Tuesday, he comes home from Maine and picks me up to take me to his aunt's house for dinner. I have a bag packed, but he tells me that he is still really wiped out, and wants to be alone that night as well. What.the.fuck. Now I KNOW something is going on. We go to his aunt's and he shows everyone that tattoo that he has gotten. In his hometown. on Monday. So now I know he's lying, and I can pretty much figure out what is going on.

We get in his car, and I go to punch into the GPS the address of the movie theater we are in route to. Last address punched in? a hotel in his hometown.

So, I confront him because now I know. The conversation pretty much entails him telling me he's in love with me. and in love with her. and he just can't be with us both anymore. Guess who wants him back? Yeah, Dogface. And he's married to her. He's not married to me.

So, I cry, and plead, and beg. Because I know he's making a MAJOR mistake. And I do some not-so-cool things. Like call Jay and DogFace and scream at them. DogFace ends up figuring out that Apache has been dating me. And she freaks. Tells him she wants a divorce. and begs Jay to take her back. Jay won't take her back until she files for divorce, which hopefully will happen next week.

Where does that leave me? Apache is incredibly guilt ridden because he's convinced everything is his fault. Her leaving him in the first place? His fault for joining the army and going to boot camp. Her leaving him for good? his fault because he was weak and didn't have "strength, courage, and faith. The strength to wait, the courage to be alone, and the faith in what {he}had would come back. {He} failed at all three miserably". His fault for lying to me to protect me from being hurt.

Where does that leave me? I don't honestly know. I love him. He and I met yesterday at a park and I gave him a letter I wrote which basically said that I understand he's in pain. I understand he loves her, and I knew that the day would come when she would try to take him back, and the day would come when he would have to get over it. I understand he needs time to heal and process. And I said that I wanted to be here for him. That I hope we can be together again when he is free to be with me-- emotionally and legally. he hugged me. Told me he loved me. That he just is in so much pain he just needs to be alone.

I felt better about things after that. Then I did what I shouldn't have done. I hate being a stupid girl. I texted him this morning asking him if he thought we would be together some day. And he lost it --told me he was in so much pain he couldn't deal with this. That he needs for me to leave him alone.

But I'm in pain too. I miss him. He was my best friend and my days feel so empty without him. I want to try and help him get better. Wanna show him that I'm here and I wouldn't do that to him. That he needs to stop feeling so guilty about this because its not all his fault. That's why I texted. But I can't do that anymore. If I keep doing that I'm just going to drive him away from me.
 
I'm shitty at this giving space thing. Advice?

Friday, April 2, 2010

My philosophy on life circa April 2010

My philosophy on life these days is the same as my philosophy on running on the elliptical: keep your head down,  focus on doing it the best you can, and know that each second ticking by brings you closer to the end.

My life has been so busy these days.  I started coaching softball, and while I love being outdoors playing in the dirt with the kids, practice adds 2+ hours to my day. I get out of work at 2:30, practice til 4:30, then off to the gym til about 6:30 or 7. I feed Magic on my way home from the gym, and then get home. I had been waiting until I got home to eat dinner, but that was wrecking havoc on my blood sugar (I'm Hypoglycemic). So now I pack breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me in the morning, and eat dinner after practice and before the gym.

At least, I try to get to the gym:


The entrance to my gym on Tuesday.

There has been no softball and gym for most of this week due to the intense amounts of rain here in northeast Connecticut. As many of you may have seen on the news, there has been a crazy amount of flooding here. Luckily, my town was spared the flooding, but some of my friends and family weren't so lucky. It's odd because I just turned in my thesis proposal a few weeks ago to write a book based upon the great flood of 1955, that totally wiped out large areas of this state. The amount of rain we have gotten in the past week exceeds the rain sent down by that flood. Were it not for a network of dams put in after the flood of '55, the flooding would have been even more widespread.

I find sporadic moments during the day to do grad school work (planning periods, after I get home from work, if softball is canceled). I always feel like I'm playing "catch-up" with one area of my life or another. We have the day off for "Good Friday" and I am at my dad's office working on, what else?, grad school work. It feels like a never ending task but I learned in college to just keep my head down and tackle one thing at a time.

I'm tackling one day at time. Missing Apache terribly these days, especially since it's getting warm, and I'm totally an adventurer when it gets warm: ie: let's drive to the beach, let's road trip, let's go for a hike...sort of thing. Wishing he was here to adventure with me. :-/ He comes home in less than a month, so I know that each time I fall asleep alone it means one less day until he comes home. And I know that this is just a 5k compared to the marathon that lies between his leave and when he comes home for good. 6 months. *whistles* wow.

That's my life. in a nutshell. sorry for the lack of posting lately-- we have been put on notice that computers at work are to be used for school-related business only, and yes they are checking. So that means no more 20sb, or Blogger, or even opening my personal email at work. NOTHING.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Reasons why texting is evil


One of the worse things about this whole deployment thing is having to develop and sustain a relationship through email. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful to be able to communicate with Apache pretty much constantly, rather than waiting for weeks for a letter- the whole thing is a double edged sword.

Some of the main problems:

* Freepin' IMPOSSIBLE to determine someone's mood over texts. For instance, yesterday Apache sent me short, one line emails (we use email as texting) and so me-being-me, I take it as I am annoying him and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. But short texts don't always mean that. It could mean (as I discovered upon asking him if he was sick of me) that he's tired, frustrated (not with me), or suppossed to be working (he does this often). HOW are you suppossed to determine any of those things over text as you would from seeing someone's face or hearing someone's voice.  You can't.

Note: please don't be commenting telling me that he really is trying to break up with me, because I know he's not since I got two seperate messages while I was asleep (during his day) that said how much he loved and missed me. So there *sticks tongue out*

* Same goes for silences. Suddenly the conversation stops dead in its tracks. Oh No! I think Did I say something wrong?!  Maybe this is me--I've been trained by Trevor and Jay to assume all silences are the silent treatment. OR I think he's spending his time talking to other girls, like DogFace, or some girls on base because some bitch  woman told me she hoped he didn't cheat on me while he was in Afghanistan. Thanks for introducing that thought into my already worried head. However, with Apache being deployed, it could be he's being spun up, suddenly got busy, fell asleep, or the cell phone service went down. again. And I feel like I'm holding a reciever, listening to empty silence going "Hello? Hello? Helllllllo? Helloooooo?"

* Or how about miscommunications. You know, those things that you say meaning to be a joke, but don't get taken as a joke? Yup, happens all the time to me. For instance yesterday Apache and I were discussing meeting at the airport, and he was talking about how he hopes I'll be wet when pick him up. And I was like "of course. hope you're still attraced to me."  I meant it as a self-effacing joke. And he was like "I really wish you wouldn't say shit like that to me." Annnnnnnnd then he fell asleep. So I panicked thinking he was mad at me, giving me the silent treatment. He wasn't mad (he sent me an email in the middle of our night to tell me so).

I guess, I'm just frustrated because I didn't really get to talk to him much today, and I started off the day thinking he didn't want to talk to me, and then found out his cell service was acting funny. I'm sure it's just a mood, and I'll wake up to a text from him telling me that he loves me, but it still makes me wicked anxious.

Maybe I should go back on Wellbutrin for anxiety.... hmm..

Thursday, March 18, 2010

TMI: An Officer, not a Gentleman



The eagle tattooed on his muscular back flexed as NavyBoy lit his thin, black cigarette, staring out over the water, watching the July sunset reflected in the still expanse. Inside the lake house, I watched him through the screen, warm water dripping down my legs as I washed away the last traces of my virginity. A Naval petty officer, NavyBoy was short—a requirement for his job on a submarine—and muscular like a boxer, with closely cropped black hair and bewitching brown eyes.

I stooped to grab my negligee, discarded on the floor, so I could join him on the porch. Though my house was the only one on this side of the lake, I didn’t want any sunset fisherman to catch more than he expected.

“Hey, baby,” NavyBoy drawled behind me. I stood up, thinking that he had snuck inside, and was surprised to see him still outside, a cell phone pressed against his ear. “Nothing much…Just at the Rec Hall with a bunch of the boys watching the NASCAR race…can I call you back later, baby?...love you too.”

“Who was that?” I was back in bed when he came back inside, the thick smell of his clove cigarettes lingering with him.

“On the phone? My sister.”

“Bullshit. I know you’re from the South, but I highly doubt you would call your sister ‘baby.’ Do you have a girlfriend, is that it?”

“Nope,” he smirked like he had just said the punch line to a joke he hadn’t asked.

“Your wife?” He didn’t wear a wedding ring, but those Navy boys were tricky—they usually left their wedding rings and fidelity back on base.

“Don’t got one of those yet.”

“Then who the fuck was she?!” I asked angrily. He sighed as if to answer, and it suddenly became clear “What do you mean, you’re getting married?”

I sat up on the faded sheets, pulling the coverlet to my chest. The stiff blue polyester scratched against nipples still swollen from earlier.

Standing above me, torso bare in the waning candlelight, NavyBoy shrugged once, casually, his dog tags clinking together gently.

“You never asked.” There was no trace of guilt in the deep Lousianan drawl that had seduced me here. He may as well have been accusing me of not asking his middle name.

“I certainly did ask you the first night I met you.”

“You only asked if I was married or had a girlfriend. I’ve got neither—she’s my fiancée.” He shrugged again. I struggled to my feet, trying to keep the blanket firmly wrapped around my body as I searched for my lingerie and clothes. My bra was still missing—NavyBoy bemusedly retrieved it where it lay flung over a lampshade.

“Dawlin’ I done told you I was only passin’ through here. I thought you and me wer just passin’ a good time,” He lounged on the bed, wrapping a strong arm about my waist to pull me back, jeans halfway up my legs, onto the bed with him.

“I thought we were more than that,” I sniffed, defeated. I couldn’t even blame him; I hadn’t asked if he had a fiancee. “I wouldn’t have just given you my virginity if I had known that.”

“Dawlin’, I’m getting stationed in Jacksonville in a month. You know it ain’t gonna work out between you and me. So why don’t we just have a lil’ fun in the meantime,” He kissed me again, trapping my protests against my tongue.

For more Indecent Exposures, check out the other entries at TMI Thursday.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wicked Games


So one of my assignments for my grad school was to write about a sexual experience in your genre. Guess what I'm non-fiction so I had to write about a sexual experience of my own. So I chose an event that happened at the end of the December. A note to  Apache's sister-- this about your brother. So read if you dare (and won't think I'm a skank by the end of it). Everyone else-- I'd appreciate your feedback on this!

**
The club was hot and dark. It smelled like alcohol and sweat and sex. Milton’s Pandæmonium—the palace of the fallen. Strobe lights flicker across the room, amplifying the trip so many of the fallen are on. Heavy metal fills the room—Drowning Pool drives out of the speakers, the rhythmic beat pounds into my flesh, becoming my pulse.


I grin, searching Apache’s face for a reaction. A smile plays across his lips as he notices the lingerie-clad girls on stage who look no more older than 16, though they are clad in bras, panties, and garter belts. I squeeze his hand and release as I head for the bathroom.

The song changes. Disturbed’s “Down with the Sickness” beats out. It is the club’s unofficial anthem—a song about the eternal struggle of the individual against the mother culture of society that is constantly trying to beat the child struggling for independence and individuality into submission. I get into line behind Miss Kitty, the transvestite host of the night.

Though I feel as home in this club as I did pre-gaming at the swank sea food restaurant that night, I am one of the few that does. The club is a cult of misfits and deviants who refused to deny their true identities for convention. I envy that freedom, though I could never totally give myself over to that side. I explore my masochism in private. Rape fantasies. A hidden tattoo with a veiled meaning. A strong desire to be treated like a whore in the bedroom, but a lady everywhere else.

It was my important to me for Apache to see that other side of me. I wondered if it would repulse him, the way it had Trevor, or if he would only think of me that way, the way Jau now did. I hope he’s comfortable here. Club Hell is an overwhelming the first time you step inside, and I had never brought a guy there with me. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

There is no turning back now, that you’ve woken up the daemon, in me…..

Once inside the open stall, with a door that has been missing since I began going to the club my sophomore year of college, I stoop to connect the garter to the tops of my thigh highs. I have trouble with the back—the tight black corset makes it impossible to bend backwards. A petite blond with obviously fake breasts kneels between my thighs, her breath hot against the back of my thigh as she fingers graze the sensitive skin there. Her long blonde ringlets cover her face, and I wonder what I would if she were to kiss up my leg and lick my clit? She’s not down there long enough for me to figure out the answer—and I decide that if something like were to happen, I’d want Apache there to see it anyway.



Apache is standing outside the door. He doesn’t see me as I slide my hands around his waist, laying my head against the thermal knit fabric of his back, breathing in the familiarity of his scent. It smelled like home, though that night was only the fifth time I had been physically near him.

At the bar, he stood behind me possessively. I liked that. I knew from his vantage point he could see how my breasts were only an inch from falling out of the corset. I wondered if he thought about ripping the corset off of me. If he did now, I was planning on doing everything in my power to illicit that reaction.

We had had sex already today. But that was a release—the physical culmination of over a month of text messages, phone calls, and web cam sessions. Tonight is about seduction.

I leaned forward to order drinks from the bartender, not-so-innocently pushing my ass into him. He was getting hard, like he had been at JC Penny’s earlier that afternoon, after I had picked up from the Armory.

Though we had spent so much time talking on web cam, I was shy with him at Penny’s. I wasn’t sure of his expectations and decided to follow his lead. In the men’s department, he kissed me, sweetly. Later, he came up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. He was hard against back as he kissed my neck. It lasted for a moment, but his breath was ragged when he whispered into my ear, “I need to stop.”

We had joked on web cam, betted even, how long it would be before we had sex. Would we make it back to my house? I had bet that we wouldn’t make it onto the highway. But when Apache decided to visit his mom at work, I forced myself to disinfect my thoughts. I wanted his mom to like me. I was sure she would see in my eyes that I was thinking more about getting her son naked than making small talk. At JC Penny’s I flirted with the idea of suggesting a romp in a dressing room, but thought against it.



We made our way onto the dance floor. He winced as his drink burned his throat and he drank It like an enormous shot of tequila. I enjoyed dancing with him— he had a rhythm that surprised me, and I found myself getting wetter. Straddling his firm thigh, I knew I was leaving wet spots as I ground myself into him.

Grabbing his hand, I led him off the middle of the dance floor towards a more private spots, behind a column. He seemed more comfortable here, and he pressed up against me, his hands wandering across my breasts, down my sides, bare thighs, to trace the tops of my thigh highs. My breath caught in my throat as I hoped he would touch me. I wondered if he could feel how fast my heart beat in anticipation.

Reading my thoughts, Apache slid his hand under the plaid school girl skirt and white petticoat especially chosen for this occasion. He groaned in satisfaction as he realized my panties were soaked, and I gasped as he pushed them aside, thrusting a slim finger inside of me as his thumb found my clit.

“Good girl,” he whispered into my ear, and I felt his cock pulse through the fabric of my skirt.

My knees shook, and the fabric barrier irritated me. Grasping his wrist, I moved away from him, pushing him against the wall as I found his hot mouth, kissed him forcefully, before standing on tip toe to breathe into his ear.

“I’ll be right back.”

The surprise was impossible to misread when I returned from the whore’s room and handed him my panties. I flashed him an impish grin as I pressed my ass into him again. This time his movements were direct, confident—rubbing my clit hard. I circled my arm around his neck, his stubble seducing the sensitive skin on my neck.

I came hard for him then, not afraid to cry out in the noisy club. I turned around to face him, lifting his hands to my lips, sliding my mouth down his wet fingers, my eyes never leaving his as my sweetness played across my tongue. His eyes darkened with desire, and I closed my eyes in pleasure, flicking the fingertip with my tongue the way I wanted to tease the swollen head of his cock. I wondered, for not the first time, if it was me he saw—wonders if he transposes her face for mine. I decide I don’t want to know the answer I turn so I can’t see his face, slide my hand down his firm chest, and slide my fingers down his pants.

I want to fuck him, to fuck his self-satisfied smile away, to make him come and close those dark eyes. I want him so badly I can taste his sweat on my tongue and hear the sounds he is going to make, before I even touch him.

He’s surprised when I grip him, but not unpleasantly. His hips buck once against my hand, and I know he wants to fuck me too. I push him back against the wall, gasping as his fingers slide into me once again. He’s a master with them, because nothing feels this fucking sweet—because boys never do this right. They rub your clit as if it’s a spot that needs removing. But not him. He know exactly what how to graze the flat of a finger softly over my clit and down to the opening. There’s a river down there and it has a course; it tells you what path to take … that valley was made for fingers.

H.I.M.’s “Wicked Games” came on then, and I slide my hand up and down his cock to the rhythm wishing that he could take me right there. Lift my skirt up, tug the zipper down, petticoat to hide it. I almost suggest it to him, but am not sure if it’s too much too soon.

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do--I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

His knee slips between my thighs and I think about him dragging me across his lap, ceremoniously pulling up the hem of my skirt bringing his big, flat palm down onto my right ass-cheek with a loud smack. The thought alone is enough to make me cum, harder, this time, and I know his fingers are soaked. His other hand grips the wrist now tightly jerking him. He’s close, and he wants to wait until he can cum in me. I know. I wonder if there’s a place where I can straddle him, ride him. I look around. The only available couch is behind the liquid dancers, their glow-sticks leaving trails of light in the darkness. An old flame runs that crew; I’d like to avoid confrontation.

I lead him the back bar instead and sit down on a bar stool, the vinyl cool against my ass. I pull him towards me, kiss him, and think about asking him to leave. The lights go up then, and we stumble out in the night. The cold December air caresses our fevered bodies, and Apache helps me through the snow to the parking lot.

He presses me up against the car, his full mouth devouring mine, kissing my breasts. His breath licks my ear.

“I can’t wait to fuck you. Get us the hell home.”

Yes sir.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Broken Glass

When I was a child, my Memere had a candy dish that once belonged to her grandmother. Made of beautiful Beleek China, the candy dish adorned the table at parties and holidays. One day when I was a young teenager, Memere dropped the candy dish after she lovingly washed it. This piece of china, with its tiny, hand painted shamrocks, had survived the trip to America aboard a steamer from Ireland. Now, in America, it lay in tiny, shattered pieces across the floor.

Memere didn't try to pick the pieces up and glue them back together, even though the whole held so many memories for her. She knew, as we should know, that once it's broken it's always going to be broken, and it's better to accept that than to hurt yourself trying to piece it back together.

It's the same with relationships. Why do people insist on holding onto relationships that are not just cracked, but broken. Is it out of nostaliga or a longing for the once perfect past? Is it a fear of being alone? Is it out of guilt that we somehow had a hand in their undoing?

I'm dealing with this with Apache now. He is at a very confused place in his life. DogFace has him fully convinced, it seems that he is to blame for her infidelity, because he left her alone to go to boot camp. She also has convinced him that Jay, who she is living with as his girlfriend, deserves just as much blame. So Apache lives in this state of pereptual guilt, both fully believing that he is to blame, and also recognizing how incredibly illogical this guilt is, which makes him feel even worse about himself because he can't seem to rip himself away. He talks about taking revenge on Jay when he comes home-- about making him pay for all the pain he has caused. Yet, he can't doesn't want to make DogFace atone for her sins, by cutting her off and divorcing her. Yes, you read that right, Apache has not yet filed for divorce, and refuses to even think about such a thing while he's on deployment because he feels he has too much to deal with in country. He knows he has to make a decision, and since meeting me, his decision is complicated. When we first met, he was saying he was going back to her no matter what. Now, at least, he's doubting if he can trust her again (ugh, no!) and if he should be with me. His decision is no longer clear.

And DogFace is a master manipulator. Here she is, living with Jay, and parading around at his girlfriend. The only people that do not know about her new relationship are her family, who live in Utah. Her Facebook (because of her Mom) still says she's married. There are NO pictures of her and Apache on there, though, and there are some of her and Jay. Yet, she tells C that she is not sure what she wants. That she still loves him. That she still thinks about growing old with him. Yet, she's telling Jay the SAME THING.

And he's with me. He calls me his girl to his buddies and they know details about me. I've met his parents, sister, and extended family. He texts me non stop when he can. He talks about a future with me, about what it would be like to do all these things together both when he comes home on leave and when he comes home for good.

I know you all think I'm pretty stupid for sticking around in this situation. And I'm not going to argue with you. The thing is though, other than this situation, it feels pretty damn perfect. I love him, especially for this situation because I wish that someone (Trevor) would have fought that hard for me a year ago, and he loves me too. He's not the type of person to say something he does not mean, so I am not doubting him on his feelings there. I love his family, who are amazingly normal and wonderful to have in my life. I love how he supports me. I love how much fun we have together. I love how I am a stronger person because of him. If you asked me a year ago, if I could have handled dating someone who is not only on the other side of the world, but is in the line of fire, I would have laughed in your face. Solitude is never something that I am good at. For Apache, though, I'm willing to wait however long it takes to be with him.

Do I walk away? Right now, I'm saying no. All that shows him is what he already thinks. That being with him is too difficult. But I am not selfish, and I am a figher till the last bell sounds my victory or defeat. Maybe this will shatter in my hands, I'll end up cut-- but at least I'll have the memories.



Sunday, March 14, 2010

I left Ken for GI Joe


"Shit, gotta go, getting spun up, I love you. I'll email you later, baby," Apache typed.

"I love you too. Be Safe." I typed back, blowing him a kiss as he shut of the web cam.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine. later baby."

Saturday began in a rather idyllic fashion. I woke up to some texts from Apache, who was online. We FINALLY got our web cam to work and got to chat for a few hours like that. Being able to see his face makes me feel so much better, and it is hysterical to listen to the guys goof off in the background. On the plus side, it's mad cute to hear Apache told the guys about something funny "his girl said". It makes me feel really secure to know that the boys know about me-- they even know details, like I'm a teacher and I have a horse. Apache's closest buddy, MB, even calls me "the future wifey." LMAO.

Apache was on QRF duty-- QRF stands for Quick Reactive Force. In essence, he and his crew are back up in case a mission encounters problems.

He's gotten "spun up"-- sent out on missions-- before and returned home without making any contact with the natives. So, I didn't think much of it and got dressed, took care of Magic, and went shopping at Target for the rest of the things to include in his birthday box.

A few hours later, I got an email from him, "We're back. Contact Made" and my blood ran cold.

I mean, I knew that it would happen. He's not on a vacation in Afghanistan. He's cautioned me against asking too many questions that I dont really wanna know the answers to.

Before dating Apache, I was pacifist. Not for the war, but not against the soldiers that are fighting it since I know so many of them who joined to make a better lives for themselves. And dating Apache has cemented a very strong belief in me. I don't care what he has to do as long as he comes home safe.... I hold NOTHING he does over there against him.

The idea that he's in harms way scares me more than the idea of him going back to DogFace. I could pretend that he was on vacation as long as his QRFs came and went without incident. Now,I feel like there's a perpetual lump in my throat and I can't quite catch my breath. Since he sleeps during what is my afternoon, I spend that time worrying about him.  Thank God for the miracle of Internet and cell phones, cause if I had to wait weeks between letters, I would be a hot mess.

I wonder if Apache knew it would be like this and that's why he introduced me to his family. Being able to email his sister, aunt, mom, and dad really help. His sister even is a devout reader of this blog (*waves*) and you can thank her for the many updates lately cause she is constantly reminding me to update!

Seriously considering starting Wellbutrin again since I've always had a problem with anxiety. I weaned myself off of it this winter since I'm a bit of a purist about what goes in my body. The only reason I take birth control is because, according to my doctor, my cervix is too tight for it to be properly inserted. Trust me, I've tried three times after the pregnancy.

My heart is deployed, and I want it back...


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Commit to Be Fit


This is the end of week 2 on program and on exercise. This week I treated myself to an I Pod touch, which helps the time fly by. Since my ankle was feeling much better, I upped my exercise from 30 mins of walking to 30 mins of elliptical. Yeah, the elliptical kicks my ASS and I'm covered in sweat by the end of it all,  but I know its so worth it.

So, I totally went to weigh in today and except at least a lb. I was surprised to find out that I lost 0.2. That's right 2/10 of a lb.

Had I not done the program, I would have been sincerely upset. And it still does bother me. However, I know my body well enough to know that it takes at least two weeks of activity before I see results. I know that what I am doing is the best for me and my body. Even though I have not seen the results yet, I feel much better. I've been sleeping more fitfully and i have more energy these days.

So this week, I commit to tracking more closely and ramping up my activity level on the elliptical. Starting on Monday, I'll be doing 45 mins. To reward myself, I purchased a Barbie pink sports bra from Target. Yay!

What do you do to motivate yourself?

The Love Doll


Meet "Aurora," she is a "love doll" replica of a famous celebrity that I share a name, hair color, and cup size with. As we speak, she is on her way to Afghanistan fully blown up, complete with party hat to wish Apache a very merry birthday.

A few weeks ago, I was attempting to quiz Apache what he would like for his birthday. He, very sweetly, said, "just you..." Now, y'all know I love adventure, and I would gladly mail myself if I felt I could get away with it. But I just do not wanna make Apache's buddies jealous.


So I bought "Aurora", blew her up, added some candy, snack foods, and some toiletries that he needs, and shipped her off. I CAN'T WAIT to see what he thinks about that, and I'm hoping he laughs!


**

On another note, those of you sending packages overseas might benefit from the USPS Shipping Assistant --
one of the things I HATE is filling out custom forms, especially since it takes FOREVER to do and i always send a variety of items that exceeds the number of lines on the form. You just load the program, and type in what you're sending, press print and done! <3 it!!!