"I wish I was a little girl again, because scraped knees are easier to heal than a broken heart."
Skinned knees heal rather quickly and usually do not leave a scar behind. Broken bones, like broken hearts, heal much more slowly. And as everyone who has broken a bone knows, there are sometimes, in some weather, that the break begins to ache, no matter how aged the injury.
Did a little spring cleaning today of my computer hard drive-- since I have a back up program on my computer, I wanted to make sure that my files were organized. I spent the last hours organizing my photos, including 2006, 2007, 2008, and early 2009.
Organizing those hurt. Having to sort through the photos of Trevor and I-- from the early dates, to pictures of our first apartment, first holidays, and him proposing-- to the middle years-- anniversary camping trips, parties, dances-- and the last hurrah we had last winter., hurt. A lot.
I'm healing from the break up. I've had my rebound (Doc) and found someone pretty special (Apache). I don't think of Trevor every single day-- he remains mostly blocked from my mind. But seeing his face and mine, so happy, makes me wonder what's he's doing now.
I know from Megan that he's still with Amber, and he loves Amber and he's happy. I know he hates me or so he says. And I know that that means he hasn't healed. The opposite of love is not hate, as one may think. The opposite of love is indifference.
I'm not saying I wanna be with him. I know that things would have to change drastically for that to ever work. I'm not sure a person can change that drastically. It'd mean he'd have to keep a job, and, from what I understand, sober up. That's not going to happen soon, if ever.
I just miss him. It feels weird sometimes that I have no contact with someone I loved so much such a short time ago. He's made no attempt to contact me. I suppose thats for the best. I do care still. I do wanna know if he's okay. I wish I could influence him to clean up his life because he is much better than a needle or a short white line. Saving people's lives used to be important to him. Why is he trying so hard to ruin his own?
Anyone ever feel nostalgic and wistful about your first love or the one that got away?
4 comments:
You bet. I was just thinking about this on my drive to work today. I miss a little bit of something from every relationship. My first love was a loser. He really was and it took me 3 years to figure out that I couldn't marry him. But it's been 8 years since and we're both married, he's in school, has a job, etc and moved away. But we talk on FB from time to time and his wife and I chit chat. And just this week another boyfriend who was probably my worst relationship/breakup just FB'd me and we've been chatting. Again, he's married and on the right path. So in time- I hope that Trevor fixes his life and that you guys can be like friends. Or at least feel comfortable saying hi and small convo if not hanging out without it being weird. :)
I still think about my college boyfriend of 4 years. He started dating someone else while we were together and they are still together over two years later. I still send his family a Christmas card and his mom a birthday card every year, but he has made it clear that he wants to make no effort to keep in contact with me, eventhough he lives two blocks away from me. I don't think you can ever completely get over someone that you have shared your heart and soul with.
Wow, this is such an honest, rational post. You're doing a good job by letting your thoughts run free. I am going through a break up too, and like you, I have tried to wrap my head around this: how can we suddenly not even talk to that one person who meant the world to us just a short while ago? It seems so ironic..like the world's playing a joke on you. But you know, you'll never get the answers to those questions. The most you can do is let the questions be. I, intend to, and hope that I get over my ex really really fast...but once I do, i don't ever want a moment where I'll miss him. or be nostalgic. Coz moving on means realizing that life is better, right? And not having those feelings for him...if I won't have the feelings, I won't want him back. InshaAllah.
Also, about him tying the lose ends with you...I don't know how much time it has been, but even if it hasn't been little, just wait and let him go by his own pace. One day he'll realize.
Love.
OH wow!! I totally know where your coming from! I was in your same place about a year ago. I actually started my blog when my 8 year relationship ended. This post sounds very familiar. I know what your going thru. It sucks but in a way is bittersweet. My ex also had a drinking problem. Everyone used to tell me everything happened for a reason - this made me want to bitch slap them. But now 2 years later I realize they are right! Maybe check out some of my old posts sometime (click on the tag X) they may help you :)
Love the blog layout! At first I was like whoa what is this lol but I like it! Different! Also love your bio :)
Post a Comment