Back on the wagon

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up - Vince Lombardi

I've had a few indifferent weeks on program-- hovering around my points target and drinking a few too many full-caloried drinks on the weekends. I'm not being gluttonous, but for my body type and what I want to accomplish, I'm not doing well.

I've also been so mentally exhausted at the end of each day that after the barn, I come home, eat supper, plop myself on the couch, and surf facebook or watch tv until bedtime. And I've been going to bed at like 8 or 9 because my body seems to need a tremendous amount of sleep these days.

So I'm going to Weight Watchers tonight and facing the mirror. Good, bad, or ugly. The money situation is starting to ease up slightly, so I'll definitley be allowing myself to buy a gym membership at the gym near work on Saturday-- using my sister's membership would be free, but it's so not feasible since it's in a completely different town not anywhere near my route home.

I just miss my old body. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin, and I'm deathly afraid of sliding back to where I was before. I need to stop this runaway train in its tracks now....

My major problem is planning. As the old WW adage goes, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail....", especially when it comes to lunches. I often end up buying lunches at school, which are far from healthy.

So, Dear Readers, what do you bring for lunches at work?

A cold, NCIS, and a jealous ex

So, I've got it bad. Like, really bad. As in "I-was-looking-forward-to-my-date-with-Doc-tonite,-but-he's-sick-so-now-I'm-sad bad. I'm really falling for this guy...

So, instead of ordering Chinese, curling under a blanket, and feeling sorry for myself, i'm going to go do something productive. Like borrow my sister's gym pass (she bought a year, and hasn't used it once) and have a good run on the elliptical, so I can not feel guilty for sitting down with a glass of cranberry wine and watching the new episode of NCIS tonight. Trick is to make sure that I run BEFORE NCIS...

Making me feel better is the text Doc sent me before he slipped into a Nyquil induced coma: "i'm dirty and i'm sick and i miss u all at the same time..."

*melts*

Oh, Jay has recently become a friend of mine on Facebook. He seized upon my newly "in a relationship status" with gusto: "how old is he 17". He also sends me this message, "so then do u want to try again now that you r in a relationship and u dont have a thing for me anymore or do u".

Erm, what are we trying again? Certainly not a relationship or even a sexual arrangment....

And this is why I keep Tom around.... Tom comments back to Jay, "Hey, more of a man than you at that age than how you've been acting bro. Back off"...."And for someone who doesn't care about her, seem to like being in her business".

Hmm... someone is jealous that the toy he put away on a shelf is no longer available for him to play with if he ever decides to. Interestingly, Jay has declined to post a relationship status of his own, and his DogFace still advertises her status as "married."  Interesting. I wouldn't doubt that he's keeping their relationship on the DL so he can have a little something on the side.

<3 This is why Tom is my BFF... cause he always has my back, even when it might start work-related drama since he and Jay happened to work at the same place.

Yes, yes, life is good...

Do You Have a First Aid kit handy?

A week back into the dating game, I've realized something very important: the most difficult thing is not allowing yourself to love another, but to stop yourself from persecuting the new guy for the sins of the old.

"The one before you left me so damaged..." - Dainty Kane

There is so much truth in that line. I have a wonderful time with Doc. He faithfully texts me every morning at 10 or so (he initiates-yay!). As for the inability to carry a text message conversation, that has improved. But I've also realized something. Like me, he has a job that requires his complete concentration. He can't carry a full conversation with me during the day, and vice versa His texts are a way of keeping in touch, to let me know that he is thinking about me. Physically together, we have fantastic conversations and chemistry-- plus he's rivaling Jay in the bedroom skills department. ;-)

So, what's the problem? I'm falling for him, like I fell for Jay and Trevor. Because of the horror show of my last two breakups, I am petrified of this ending the same way. So, I read into things too much. Yesterday, for example, we made tentative plans to go out. As in, he was cleaning his apartment, doing laundry, and cleaning his 200 gallon fish tank, and would text me when he was finished. A few minutes later, I texted him, and was like "would it be easier if I just came over there?" No response.

So, I start to freak out. While with Jay and at the end of Trevor, no response was the equivalent of the silent treatment. I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds-- I have yet to go to his house (he lives about half an hour away from me and the restaurant.) Hours passed, and still no response. Anxiety level increases.

I do have a problem with anxiety. I'm aware of it, and am on medication for it. The meds only helps so much; anxiety attacks do happen, especially when I work myself up.

At 8 o'clock, I decide that he hates me, that I annoyed him, that he's mad at me for being too forward, and go to bed.

I wake up this morning to a text from Doc sent at 9:24 pm:  "Hey hunny ur text just came through. I thought you forgot about me. I'm sorry I was cleaning all day. :( I missed spending time with you."

So, my fears were unjustified. The mini Snickers bar I ate (damn Halloween candy) unnecessary. Luckily, I hadn't freaked out on him, like this poor girl did. It was simply a case of no service and late text messages, which in our area of CT happens very frequently. The hills, valleys, and dales often prevent phones from getting a signal. Understandable.

Anyone else feel like this, or am I totally crazy?

I think I'm falling for you....

In the days that have followed since I last met Trevor, I'm surprisingly okay. I've given up; I've let go, and allowed myself to find the beauty and the opportunity in the world around me. This might have taken two diet coke and rums, two margaritas, and a basket of freshly made tortilla chips to realize, but I've done it. In all honesty, I haven't shed a tear since Thursday night. &, as alarming as that is for me, I'm honestly okay.

One of the things that I've promised myself is that I will start opening myself up to possibilities, whatever that might mean; on Friday night, a figurative door opened up.

I used to waitress at a Mexican restaurant a few towns over. When I applied for the job, one of the owners, hereafter called Doc, spent the interview telling me how pretty I was. Over the next few months, Doc & I worked together and got to know each other. In addition to owning the bar portion of the restaurant, Doc is a psychiatrist with a MA from Northeastern and a Doctorate from Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. He's 30. Honestly, we flirted back and forth, even though I was with Trevor, then Jay, and he was engaged to one of the other owner's daughters.

Their relationship was a rocky one, and as both our relationships soured, we sought each other to rant and cry. After their relationship ended (he was the one that did the ending), he started asking me out. I turned him down a few times; I didn't want to be the rebound girl. I also still felt like I was somehow cheating on Trevor. But, after letting him go, I felt different. He asked me out again on Friday night (prior to the margaritas), and I accepted.

I was glad I did. We went out last night to grab a drink. We were suppossed to have dinner, but he got stuck in some heavy  traffic on the Pike out of Boston. Rush hour is never a good thing in this part of New England, with three major cities relatively close to one another (Worcester, Boston, & Providence). I had a great time. He's easy to talk to, funny, and incredibly smart. It's been a long time since I've been with someone who is my educational superior, or even my equal. I home by 10 since both he and I have to work early in the morning. He kissed me very sweetly when I got out of the car, and told me that he'd be talking to me soon.  I got a text about an hour later when he got home, and then one this am at 10. During one of these text messages, he asked me what my favorite flower was. Interesting...

So, a question for my readers. Is the fact that I can't keep a text message conversation going indicative of something? We have long conversations when we're together, but relatively short ones when we text. I myself run out things to say on text, especially since I'm often doing something else while I'm texting. I also don't believe that text messaging is for long, intense conversations anyway.

Thoughts on or tips about this?

It's really over

I met Trevor at the mall near his house. I wasn't sure why he picked there, in a specific spot away from much of the mall traffic. I took along my friend Deb (a former FBI agent). His car wasn't in the parking lot, but as I checked in the rearview to make sure my makeup was okay, he appeared next to his car.

 I gave him his things and asked for a hug. He said no.I asked him if he wanted my engagement ring back. He said yes.I gave it to him. He said that I have made his life a living hell for the past year, and that he's been nothing but stressed out. He said that he never wants to see or hear from me again.

And I said that I didn't cheat on him, that I was sorry that I hurt him, but that he hurt me to. At that point, he looked away. And that I loved him, and missed him. Finally, I said that no matter what, no matter when, I would be here for him, no matter what he's done.

His response: "good luck with the teaching thing."

You can take this at face value, but he wasn't the same. Everything was different. His eyes were very glassy, and he was a lot more aggressive than I've ever seen him. I thought he was high on pot or drunk. I was close to him though. I smelt no pot or alcohol on his breath. I suspect he's doing other, harder drugs-- coke, meth, or heroin. His mom sells coke; I have no doubt he has access to a ready supply. His sister confirms this.



I got back in my car, and even though I was ready to cry and puke from the stress of it all, I drove away. I wanted to look strong. I just drove into the next shopping plaza, got out, puked and had Deb drive home.

Deb said he sounded like her 11 year old son after she punishes him and he tells her that he hates her and that she is the worst mommy ever. And that if he really was over it, as he claims, that he wouldn't want to emotionally hurt me every chance he got.

So...

I can't fix him. I can't save him from whatever demons are tormenting him, be it depression, drugs, whatever. I didn't even bother arguing with him about me treating him liike crap. There's no point. That's obviously what he's convinced himself (or his mom has convinced him to think--I wouldn't doubt that), and there is no changing it. It hurts that he doesn't remember everything I've done for him. Apparently, it wasn't good enough.

How do I feel now? Upset, but strangely free. I love him, I still miss him, but this is the life he has chosen. I want him to be happy, and even though his happiness is artifically produced, that's the choice he has made. 

Where do I go from here? Living my life, patching back the pieces of the broken heart he thrust at me last night. My friend Deb suggested that I continue the Dear Trevor letters, and work on turning it into a book. I think I'm going to. A year of letters to him starting from the initial breakup until now.

What do you all think?

Again, thank you to all my readers for being there through it all. I'm sorry that this story does not have a happy ending for him and I. But as a huge sign about my bed declares, "It's never too late to live happily ever after," and that's what I intend to do.

Finally some contact

I'm meeting Trevor tonight at the mall so I can give him his stuff back.

He's still with Queen Bitch.

I need advice. What do I do?

Money has always been an issue with Trevor and I. In the beginning, it wasn't. He had a good job, was going to work every day, and we were both paying our bills. Then, something changed. I don't know what it was- possibly his step-sister's suicide. He started having a hard time waking up in the morning; he started staying up all night; he went through job after job basically because he just couldn't get up out of bed every morning.

He lost Job #7, I think, on my birthday last year. I was teaching, making the majority of the money, and thus feeling the largest pressure to make sure that our rent, utilities, car insurance, and both our car payments were paid on time. My savings and checking accounts were swiftly approaching $0. My credit card debt was piling up. With winter coming, I knew that I couldn't pay for heating oil too.  So I gave Trevor an ultimatium: he had a month to find a job, or I was going to ask him to leave. Not to leave me, but to go stay with his mother. I financially couldn't support him anymore.

A month came and went. Trevor would spend most of his time shooting the shit at the fire house or sleeping all day. To my knowledge, he didn't apply for one job. And one Saturday morning, when I had written out another 900 check to the oil man, I walked out to his car and cleaned it out of my things. And I went inside and tried to make him get up.

I'll admit I was frustrated. I was hurt. We got into a huge fight, and he left for his mothers. No one ever said the words "it's over", but I knew he was pissed. The next few weeks were troubling. I had basically no contact with him. When I did, I asked him if we were together, if he loved me, if I went on a date, if that would be cheating. His answer for all of these questions was : "I don't know." He had showed up at the mall with friends, and told his sister (who worked there at the time) that he was "trolling for girls." So, I drove up there with some of his clothes and deposited them on his mother's front porch. He called me as I was hitting the highway, wanting to know what this meant. I said that he obviously thought it was over. I went back there to talk about it, he spent that time holding me and kissing me. He was still mad, but he did love me. Yet, he didn't come home.

After a week or so of no contact, I went into work and Jay was sitting at my table. A friend's brother, we knew each other. I was intrigued by him, since he was much older than he had been when I knew him before his military service. I went out to the bar with them that night, and then on a date with him the next week. I still hadn't talked to Trevor.

Did I sleep with Jay that night? Yes, I did. Do I consider it cheating? I don't know.  He had no answers for me when I had repeatedly asked if we were together. I felt that he was breaking up with me.

The next day I called Trevor to come get his stuff. He discovered a note  Jay had left me on my board, figured out that I was sleeping with someone else, and left. He told everyone that I cheated on him. It broke my heart.

Jay, who had gone through a divorce, knew what I was going through and filled my head with the negatives that I had complained about and those that he heard from mutual friends. I began to villianize Trevor in my mind.

In early January, I realized that I had missed two periods. The one immediately after Trevor and the one with Jay. I called Trevor, and told him that I might be pregnant. His response was that he was in a relationship with someone and that he thought he loved her. I'd like to add here that she was only 15 (he was 20). Luckily, I wasn't pregnant.  I continued to "see" Jarod. We were never in an official relationship, at Jay's request.

In the middle of February, I got an early morning phone call from Trevor who asked me if I had his trumpet. I told him that I did, and that I would bring it to work with me. He showed up during my lunch break, I met him outside, and it was like instant spark. I didn't want to let him leave, and he didn't want to let me go. He hugged me and asked for a kiss. I gave him a chaste one ( I was at work, after all), and he texted me later confessing that he wanted a bigger kiss than that. That he realized at that instant how much he missed and loved me. I started to see both Jay and Trevor-- both of them knew this was going on. Jay was jealous, but couldn't say much since it was at his request that we weren't official. Trevor was extremely jealous. I told Trevor that I couldn't leave Jay until I was sure that Trevor could take care of himself since that was the reason we broke up in the first place.

Things went sour between Jay and I in the middle of March ( I strongly believe because Dogface's husband had left), and Trevor and I started to talk about moving back in together. He started to look at jobs closer to me. Jay & I stopped talking, and Trevor knew that.

In early April, Trevor stayed over for a long weekend. I logged into his Myspace and read some emails between him and another girl. I got jealous, and confronted him about them when I got home that night. He flipped out, told me that I was jealous, and that it was over. I called several times, talked to him for a few times, and realized that he was upset. Trevor takes a long time to get over things. He's stubborn and has no coping skills whatsoever.

And that brings me to where I am now. Missing Trevor, realizing that maybe I should have give it a wholehearted chance....

I didn't cheat on him, even though he thinks I did.

"I am 100% and then some done with Aurora, and am in an awesome relationship with my new girlfriend" - Trevor's email to his cousin the same night as Amber's emails to me.

I know that I said I would be strong and forget everything that is being said right now. I know that I shouldn't take what he's saying to heart because he's said he's been totally in love with other girls before (the one between the us dating), and obviously that didn't work out.

The sad thing is, I don't even know if I'm in denial. I don't know if I'm deluding myself. Shouldn't I have given up by now? Shouldn't I read all the evidence stacked against me, and just give up? Wave the white flag, admit that I fucked up, and lost him?

Am I crazy for holding on? Am I crazy for believing that since we've come back together before that it could happen again? Am I crazy for thinking that if he wasn't with someone else, I could convince him to forgive me, and show him exactly why he loved me?

Do I need a reality check here?

Clearing my head

To Smart Ass Sara, Mr. O, & Classroom Confessions.

A response to your comments from the previous post-- 

Thank you for confirming that she had no right in hell to send me that. That was my first reaction to it, especially when I know that his family (at least his dad's side, I have no contacts on his mom's) cannot stand her. She showed up at a family function wearing a very low cut white tank top with a black bra. His sister, who lives in the town she's from, confirms that she's a bitch and a skank, and wants nothing to do with him.  If she is so good for him... #1- his family would immediately embrace her the way they did with me. I don't forsee that happening. #2- he wouldn't be avoiding his family including his sister and his uncle.#3- His family wouldn't be royally pissed at him.

I'm not going to lie, I was extremely upset when I read these emails. In fact, I believed them for a while.. that Trevor really did hate me. That he really thought I was a slut. That he really thought that I was the worst girlfriend ever.  I was incredibly emotional, and it honestly ruined half my birthday.

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person that needs to talk about things to many people. It's like I need to verbally work it out. So the more people I explained the situation to, the clearer it became.

1. He didn't send the emails, call to tell me this, or even tell me this in person. The last time I spoke to him, he hugged me. Obviously, he doesn't think I'm the spawn of Satan. In fact, I was on his top friends from quite some time-- until he got with her.

2. She seems like the controlling type. And Trevor will take that for a time. Since we had no issues/ contact up until they got together, I'm going to assume that she forced him to take me off of his myspace. He also uses the internet at her place-- he doesn't have it at home or at work. So he A) cannot read my emails in privacy, and B) since he hasn't responded to ANY of them, probably because he's not about to do that with her around.

3. Why is she so worried about me if her life is so great? She knows that A) we were engaged, B) we were together for three years, C) Trevor went back to me after his last rebound relationship failed, D) his family loves me, & D) they can't stand her. For the last one, his uncle's family is not the type to pussy foot around. If they don't like someone, they are going to say something. I'm sure he's gotten an earful about her, which is probably one of the reasons why he refuses to call his uncle & sister back.

&, darling, you have every right to be threatened. Rebound relationships never last, and you obviously don't have enough control over Trevor to make him say these things to me. 'Cause he never would. Even in the middle of our dirtiest fights, he would NEVER call me a slut, tell me that he hated me, tell me that I was a horrible girlfriend. In fact, the last day we were together he called me up BEGGING to come over for the weekend. He even stayed into Monday evening. Really, he was ready to get rid of me? That might be what he told you, princess, but he and I both know the truth.

4.  From past experiences, I know full well that being in a relationship means nothing. Just because he's dating her does not mean he's moved on. And with Trevor, and with me, we look for diversions from our problems. We looked for someone else to love us. I was incredibly enthralled with Jay.... but I was still totally in love with Trevor. Trevor had a previous rebound relationship in between us getting together. And he told me afterwards that he felt instantaneous love for her until he realized that it was me he really wanted.

I'm a huge believer that people can will try to project their feelings onto other things and people. I've done it, and I know others have done it. I'm sincerely hoping that this will be a relationship that does not last.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give it a second thought. I'm going to consider the source of this. I am, however, going to live my life. I have grad school coming up.  I'm not necessarily going to wait around for Trevor, because I do not want to waste my life. I am going to have faith that he will come home. I'm going to date, to live for me for a while. Where that takes me I do not know. But I'm not going to throw my love away for Trevor just because of the idle threats of a jealous slut.

To my blog readers-- thank you. Thank you for reading my thoughts, however repetitive they might be, and for helping me to make sense of them. Thank you for not making me think that I'm crazy for loving someone so deeply, so painfully even when that man is not with me.

Going to go by myself a copy of The Notebook because more than one person, including my dahling Twinsie, has commented that our relationship resembles the movie, right down to the class divide that separates us.

I'll be back later this evening to read some blogs, and update. I won a blog award, and have yet to announce it nor pass it on to anyone. Stay tuned for that!

Happy birthday to me.

Today is my birthday. And at precisely midnight, I get this lovely message on my myspace:


seriously...
stop talking to trevor..he doesn't want to talk to you... and i really think it's disrespectful to be messaging someone else's boyfriend and calling them baby... if he was your boyfriend still and his ex was messaging him you'd be pissed i'm sure so you should have thought about how bad you wanted him before you fucked up... he doesn't deserve what you did to him... so leave him alone now. give his uncle his stuff and just move on with your life because from the second you read this message your life does NOT include trevor by any means, whether you want it to or not, i'm deciding this for you. i don't care if you just want to say hi or see how he's doing... his life does not concern you anymore so get over it and stop trying to talk to him... obviously if he doesn't say anything back he doesn't want to associate with you anymore and i'm pretty sure that he's made that clear to you... so let me make it crystal clear this time... leave my fucking boyfriend alone. end of story.

love,
amber


So, I wrote back:

1. NEVER, EVER email me again.

2. I am not giving Trevor's stuff back to ANYONE but Trevor since it includes things that belonged to his dad. It also includes his tax returns. That includes his mom, uncle, or sisters.

3. He doesn't deserve what I did to him?  I loved him for three years. I supported him when no one else would. For a good portion of 2008, I paid for rent, his clothes, his car payments, his gas, his food, and whatever else he wanted. In November, when my bank account literally read $0, we fought about money.

4. Yes, I made mistakes this spring. I was seeing someone who literally brainwashed me. Dude is a Marine, and quite literally I was brainwashed by his mind games and manipulations. I got pregnant and then he forced me at gunpoint to have an abortion. In June, he convinced me to kill myself. Thank god that someone found me in time.   Trevor was caught up in the crossfires of that. I wanted to be back with Trevor so badly, and was so ecstatic when we started seeing each other again. But I was being told to say and do things that I NEVER would have normally done. If Trevor knows me at all, he know that I would never hurt him intentionally.

It's taken 4 months of therapy and restraining orders to undo the damage of the marine. And through it all, I realized exactly how good I had it,  and how much I really loved Trevor. So fucking sue me if I wanted to apologize and try to set things right

5. Since you don't know me, I'm going to make this CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR for you. I do not take orders from ANYONE. EVER. So, princess, I'm not going to listen to you.

5.  I do however, want Trevor to be happy.

6. & thanks for ruining my birthday, bitch.



And got this in response,

if you want trevor to be happy then leave him alone.
you were his past and i'm his future and that's the way it is now.
if you don't like it get the fuck over it cuz it's not changing.
just stop trying to get back in his life cuz you don't have a place in it anymore.
i know what you guys once had must have been great but by the end of it he was so ready to get rid of you.
you are the one who pushed him out of your life by being a dumb slut.
so maybe you should have thought about how much of a good thing you had but it's too late now.
so i'm really not kidding, get over him. leave him alone. move on. he's not ever going to want to be with you again so get it into your dense little head.

oh and by the way happy birthday skank.

 

 

 

Thoughts: 

1. Why on my birthday?

2. Why did it have to be her. Why couldn't he have called/messaged to say those things

3. Where the FUCK does she get off. Seriously, Smart Ass Sara, I'll front the bail money.

Trevor

he hates me.

he's never coming back.

I never knew emotional pain could physically hurt you

I feel like my heart just got ripped out of my chest.

I want to throw up.

I want to never wake up.

I want to forget he ever existed

I want to forget who I used to be 

the letter

A Rough Draft of the letter I was thinking of including with Trevor's papers.

Dear Trevor,

Since I'm packing to move back in with my parents, I'm going through some boxes from out apartment.

I found these papers of yours, and figured you would need them. I also still have your sweatpants and Dad's baseball cards-- hopefully we can meet up soon so I can give them to you. Besides, I owe you a (legal) drink for your 21st birthday!

I hope that this letter finds you well and happy. Magic is doing very well-- we got alot of compliments at the Fair this year. You are always welcome to ride or visit him; I've moved him to Cindy's to escape the drama at Joanne's. That has made a huge difference. Spooky has put on all the weight back that he lost while he was gone, thoguh he's definitley more of a tough guy now.

As for me, I spend my time at work or at the barn. I'm looking forward to starting my first year of graduate school at Lesley University in Cambridge in January. I'll be doing that in addition to teaching at the school. And I'm happy to say that I'm well on my weight to being back at the weight I was when we met.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Aurora

PS: I'm still not over you.....


(my name, address, and phone number)



Thoughts? I'm thinking the ending is a bit much but I'm not sure how to pack this much emotion into a few words that are not going to convey desperation or scare him away....

Who you'd be today...

Inspired by a post from Amy at LaLa Land (a new follower!), I am trying out the steps to rid myself of this overwhelming sense of guilt and grief I've been carrying around for the past four months.

I had an abortion. There, I said it.

Jay and I got into a huge fight in April 2009. A month later, still very much addicted to him (and I strongly feel you can be addicted to someone as if they were a drug), I planned a party at my family's lake house. Partially to celebrate spring time, partially to reward myself for completing BEST, and majorly to lure him back into my life. I called to see if he wanted to party, and he accepted. So, I secured a keg of Bud Light (his favorite), rounded up my girls, bought some sexy lingerie (again, his favorite), and made sure I was as titalicious as possible.

He showed up, and it was like old times. We flirted back and forth, and it ended up with a scene in front of the fire- he kept trying to kiss me and I was being coy. Before I knew it, we were under twisted sheets. That night, the next day, and on Monday ( I took the day off), we had sex 15 times. FIFTEEN.  And, because we had dated before, and nothing had ever happened, it was unprotected.  The next weekend, I went to visit him, and, again, had sex several times.

Three weeks later, the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, I sat on my bathroom floor, staring blankly at the army of pregnancy tests that littered the counter, toilet seat, and bathtub ledge. Every single one of them, all twenty, read the same result: pregnant.

It is a known fact that Jay does not want to have children. Whether it was growing up the oldest of a large family, his narcissm, or from something that happened while he was a Marine, I'm not quite sure. It was one of the things that broke up his marriage, and he often talks about having a vasectomy. He's 27.

To make a long story short, I texted him, and he called me. He was first skeptical, then angry. He arrived (DogFace in tow) at my lake house that evening, where I had gathered close friends to make sure I was safe.

"Let's go," he said, as Dogface stood behind him, her arms crossed, and her face a mask of stone. He and I sat in the field across the road and talked.

"Why were you drinking?" he asked , refrencing the beer can I held in my hand. I hadn't drank any of it, it was for appearences only. He was more open than I had ever seen him, explaining exactly why he couldn't bear to be a father. Because it's not my story to tell, I'll leave that part out.  He said that it scared him that he should feel a natural instinct to protect his child, that he wanted to yell at me when he thought I was drinking. At one point, he said that when he heard I was pregnant, he stood in front of his gun cabinet and contemplated bringing his unregistred pistol. Red flags and warning bells flew up-- when he's angry, Jay is a very dangerous creature. He never actually threatened me, but the warning hung heavy in the air.  I told him that, thought it was unplanned, I wanted the baby, and that I had no problem in raising the child on my own. He still disagreed.

The next few weeks were a flurry of arguments and second guesses (on my part). He wouldn't hang out with me because he said that seeing me just reminded him of the situation. He didn't want to talk about how I was feeling emotionally, and didn't want me to tell anyone out of fear that his brother (and parents) would find out. I"m a talker. I need to talk things out. I need to tell my story over and over so it makes sense. And I was fucking scared. Despite the protests of my heart, my religion, my mind, and my parents, on June 4th, 2009, I found myself driving down to Jay's house so he could bring me to my appointment at Planned Parenthood. My reasoning was this: I didn't want to have a baby whose father was so vehemently against him or her; I knew I wasn't financially ready to have a baby; I had grad school ahead of me; there was question of whether I would be fired or not as a teacher; and I had hopes that Jay and I could work things out, and be together.

I arrived at his house, found him extremely hung over, and he drove me to the clinic. On the way he said that he hadn't expected me to show up. I almost didn't. I asked him how he felt about it. His response, "What do you want from me? Do you want me to cry? I cried enough over there."

I wanted to scream at him, "BUT THIS IS YOUR BABY; NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S." But, I didn't. I stared out the window in silence.

He went in with me to all the tests, and saw the ultrasound. I didn't. I couldn't look. But I do know that I was five weeks pregnant.

We all know how the story turns out. Jay is living with DogFace, having successfully broken up her marriage, and hurting her husband and me in the process. Unless she leaves him, there is no chance of us ever getting together in a relationship.

I'm not angry with him for not wanting to be a father...I understand the psychological damage his time in Afghanistan did to him. I'm angry for how heartless he was and how he didn't feel any emotion at all about the situation. Actually, I know he feels emotion about it. He does not want to talk about any of it, ever. I'm angry that he couldn't let his guard down for me, so I could at least feel some sort of kinship with his loss and guilt. I wanted to be comforted, and told that it was okay.

A major part of me wonders how the situation would have turned out if I had had the baby. I would be 6 months pregnant now.... I would be having a baby in January. I wonder if she would have left him, if she would have stayed with her husband, and agreed to work things out as he so obviously wants to work things out with her. A major part of me knows that it was fucked up that I let his opinion change me, out of hope for us. I could have raised the child myself, with the help of my parents, whether or not he wanted to be a part of his life financially or emotionally. Part of me says it's for the best, but the other part of my soul is heavy, knowing that I'm going to have to face this nameless child in Heaven, hoping that I didn't damn myself from whatever afterlife there may be.

Sex, Lies, & Obsessions

Sex: So I broke my celibacy for a midnight romp in my best friend Tom's truck. Tom and I have chemistry... I think  that's part of the reason we became friends. I was with Trevor, and Tom was engaged to my best friend at the time, hereafter known as the Redheaded Slut. To make a long story short, he is no longer engaged; she and I are no longer friends; I'm no longer with Trevor; and Tom and I are still best friends. Last Monday, Tom came up to visit, trail ride, and show me his brand new trucks. Since, the sight of my new pickup trucks has been known to make this cowgirl's panties mighty damp (Jay's truck was lifted *yum*), I couldn't resist helping him christen it. We went on a trail ride, had dinner, and then parked down by the river to "talk" (yeah, right). Talking ended up to a short romp in the back seat.

I'm comforting myself with these facts: A) I've slept with Tom before (when he and I were both single); B) he's my best friend; and C) it was a special occasion.

Lies: A few months ago, I decided to join E-Harmony to see what all the buzz was about. After one disasturous date, I never used it again. In fact, I forgot all about the account until I got the pretty little email this morning that said that E-Harmony had auto-renewed for $96.95! Not cool.

So after looking up their customer care number (which is IMPOSSIBLE to find on their web site), I called to cancel and get my money back. The woman politely informed me that they had a strict "no refund policy." In the same breath, she asked why I wanted to cancel. Thinking fast, I said that I was engaged. After congratulating me, she said that she would give me a refund as a courtesy. Success!

Obsessions: With lots of time on my hands, I have discovered a few new obsessions: the Wii Fit, Bejeweled Blitz of Facebook, Get Off My Lawn,  riding my horse, reading, Animal Planet's Jockeys, NCIS, and grading (I'm so ontop of these things). Bejeweled Blitz takes up far too much of my time in the evenings, drawing my attentions away from healthier things such as grading and Wii Fit.

So, what are you obsessed with?

lied

stretched the truth, "because I got engaged." LIE!After congratulating me (even though the match was no on eharmony), she offered to refund my money as a one-time curtosey fee. Success!

I'm grateful for every scar

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

- Carrie Underwood

Though I was raised Roman Catholic, my belief in a higher power is somewhat shaky. I'm not sure if I believe in a omnipresent God who has a plan for everyone. The thought just seems too far-fetched and irrational for my brain.

I do, however, strongly believe in teachable moments. Whether those are designed by a higher power, or simply the workings of the natural world, I'll never know. What matters is that analyzed appropriately, they can guide the direction of our lives.

For example, I have a beloved cat name Spooky. True to his name, Spooky is afraid of everything and prefers the quiet life indoors. This past May, I left the door to my second story balcony open. I awoke the next morning greeted only by one of my cats, Shadow. Spooky had gone missing.

I'm not sure if he jumped off the balcony, fell, or if Shadow pushed him. Never an outdoors cat, I knew Spooky was probably petrified somewheres.

I spent the next two months furiously combing the streets for him. I walked up and down the trails, passed out fliers, drove through my neighborhood at all hours of the day, and even had business cards printed up with his likeness. In early July, I finally accepted the fact that Spooky was not coming home.

I picked out a kitten from one of the litters at the barn and named her Karma, out of the belief that Spooky had been taken from me as punishment for allowing myself to be threatened into having an abortion. I scheduled a vet appointment for her for one hot July afternoon.

With her in the cage, I walked out to my car. Sitting in front of my car was Spooky. A little dirty and thinner, but none worse for the wear.

The experience taught me, amongst other things, to cherish the moments that I spend with him. While I have two other cats (I kept Karma), I'm not ashamed to admit that Spooky is my favorite. Now, I spend a little more time with him (and them), try not to leave him alone for a few days while I go and visit friends, and make sure to never take him for granted.

I think the same is true of my feelings about Trevor. Were he to ever return, and I hope that he will, I know that I will never take his love and presence for granted.

Friends and family say that "if it's meant to be, it will happen," and "love finds a way." It's times like this that I wish I had faith, so I could assure myself that he will come home.

People also assure me that it will get easier. It hasn't. Nary a day passes where he is not on my mind, and I don't wish for him to be home. I've never felt like this before. Sure I've had rough breakups, but the longing has passed in a few weeks. What has gotten easier is recognizing exactly how I feel. I miss Trevor, and only Trevor. And I don't even want to date.  I have no interest in other men, romantically. How can I? My heart is not mine to give. I gave it away to Trevor a long time ago, and even though he may be upset, he still holds onto it.

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night

Thinkin you might call me if your dreams dont turn out right

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark

Wishin you were next to me, my head against your heart

If you asked me how Im doing Id say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I dont think of you

- Lonestar

a dilemma

So, I'm moving...

Back to my parents...

Not old news to my faithful Readers....

BUT--

Going through some things at my apartment today, I discovered Trevor's W-2s and tax returns. Obviously, he needs them, and I'm not going to throw them away. I'd like to mail them to him.

Here's the dilemma.  Should I

A) stuff them in an envelope, address it, and mail it.

B) do A, but include a post it note explaing that I found it.

C) Do A & include a longer note updating him on Magic (he hasn't been online in a month, so hasn't read my last email), and wishing him happy birthday? (it was Monday).

If C, what do I say?

HELP!

PS: Trevor hasn't been on in a month, but his girlfriend has. He usually goes online at his gfs, so it makes me wonder if they aren't together anymore. I can't see her Myspace profile (it's private) so I can't check! (Yes, I know I'm a Myspace stalker).

A Thousand Words Thursday

Magic & I had our pictures taken for my graduate school photo. While grabbing my camera in the car, I noticed my 5-inch heels sitting in the back, where I had left them after going out the other night. I got the idea to take a picture of me and Magic's "hooves." So, I put one foot in my heel, left the other in ,my boot, and very carefully put my foot next to his, and took the picture. Meanwhile, the barn owner, Sin, was freaking because she was sure I was going to get stepped on in bare feet. I didn't, and the picture came out wonderful!

A HUGE congratulations go to my BFF Twinsie and her husband Benny "the studly" Boo-Boo-- they are pregnant! So, I'm going to be Auntie Twinsie in April/May 2010. :-D