I'm grateful for every scar

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

- Carrie Underwood

Though I was raised Roman Catholic, my belief in a higher power is somewhat shaky. I'm not sure if I believe in a omnipresent God who has a plan for everyone. The thought just seems too far-fetched and irrational for my brain.

I do, however, strongly believe in teachable moments. Whether those are designed by a higher power, or simply the workings of the natural world, I'll never know. What matters is that analyzed appropriately, they can guide the direction of our lives.

For example, I have a beloved cat name Spooky. True to his name, Spooky is afraid of everything and prefers the quiet life indoors. This past May, I left the door to my second story balcony open. I awoke the next morning greeted only by one of my cats, Shadow. Spooky had gone missing.

I'm not sure if he jumped off the balcony, fell, or if Shadow pushed him. Never an outdoors cat, I knew Spooky was probably petrified somewheres.

I spent the next two months furiously combing the streets for him. I walked up and down the trails, passed out fliers, drove through my neighborhood at all hours of the day, and even had business cards printed up with his likeness. In early July, I finally accepted the fact that Spooky was not coming home.

I picked out a kitten from one of the litters at the barn and named her Karma, out of the belief that Spooky had been taken from me as punishment for allowing myself to be threatened into having an abortion. I scheduled a vet appointment for her for one hot July afternoon.

With her in the cage, I walked out to my car. Sitting in front of my car was Spooky. A little dirty and thinner, but none worse for the wear.

The experience taught me, amongst other things, to cherish the moments that I spend with him. While I have two other cats (I kept Karma), I'm not ashamed to admit that Spooky is my favorite. Now, I spend a little more time with him (and them), try not to leave him alone for a few days while I go and visit friends, and make sure to never take him for granted.

I think the same is true of my feelings about Trevor. Were he to ever return, and I hope that he will, I know that I will never take his love and presence for granted.

Friends and family say that "if it's meant to be, it will happen," and "love finds a way." It's times like this that I wish I had faith, so I could assure myself that he will come home.

People also assure me that it will get easier. It hasn't. Nary a day passes where he is not on my mind, and I don't wish for him to be home. I've never felt like this before. Sure I've had rough breakups, but the longing has passed in a few weeks. What has gotten easier is recognizing exactly how I feel. I miss Trevor, and only Trevor. And I don't even want to date.  I have no interest in other men, romantically. How can I? My heart is not mine to give. I gave it away to Trevor a long time ago, and even though he may be upset, he still holds onto it.

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night

Thinkin you might call me if your dreams dont turn out right

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark

Wishin you were next to me, my head against your heart

If you asked me how Im doing Id say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I dont think of you

- Lonestar