Clearing my head

To Smart Ass Sara, Mr. O, & Classroom Confessions.

A response to your comments from the previous post-- 

Thank you for confirming that she had no right in hell to send me that. That was my first reaction to it, especially when I know that his family (at least his dad's side, I have no contacts on his mom's) cannot stand her. She showed up at a family function wearing a very low cut white tank top with a black bra. His sister, who lives in the town she's from, confirms that she's a bitch and a skank, and wants nothing to do with him.  If she is so good for him... #1- his family would immediately embrace her the way they did with me. I don't forsee that happening. #2- he wouldn't be avoiding his family including his sister and his uncle.#3- His family wouldn't be royally pissed at him.

I'm not going to lie, I was extremely upset when I read these emails. In fact, I believed them for a while.. that Trevor really did hate me. That he really thought I was a slut. That he really thought that I was the worst girlfriend ever.  I was incredibly emotional, and it honestly ruined half my birthday.

As I've stated before, I'm the type of person that needs to talk about things to many people. It's like I need to verbally work it out. So the more people I explained the situation to, the clearer it became.

1. He didn't send the emails, call to tell me this, or even tell me this in person. The last time I spoke to him, he hugged me. Obviously, he doesn't think I'm the spawn of Satan. In fact, I was on his top friends from quite some time-- until he got with her.

2. She seems like the controlling type. And Trevor will take that for a time. Since we had no issues/ contact up until they got together, I'm going to assume that she forced him to take me off of his myspace. He also uses the internet at her place-- he doesn't have it at home or at work. So he A) cannot read my emails in privacy, and B) since he hasn't responded to ANY of them, probably because he's not about to do that with her around.

3. Why is she so worried about me if her life is so great? She knows that A) we were engaged, B) we were together for three years, C) Trevor went back to me after his last rebound relationship failed, D) his family loves me, & D) they can't stand her. For the last one, his uncle's family is not the type to pussy foot around. If they don't like someone, they are going to say something. I'm sure he's gotten an earful about her, which is probably one of the reasons why he refuses to call his uncle & sister back.

&, darling, you have every right to be threatened. Rebound relationships never last, and you obviously don't have enough control over Trevor to make him say these things to me. 'Cause he never would. Even in the middle of our dirtiest fights, he would NEVER call me a slut, tell me that he hated me, tell me that I was a horrible girlfriend. In fact, the last day we were together he called me up BEGGING to come over for the weekend. He even stayed into Monday evening. Really, he was ready to get rid of me? That might be what he told you, princess, but he and I both know the truth.

4.  From past experiences, I know full well that being in a relationship means nothing. Just because he's dating her does not mean he's moved on. And with Trevor, and with me, we look for diversions from our problems. We looked for someone else to love us. I was incredibly enthralled with Jay.... but I was still totally in love with Trevor. Trevor had a previous rebound relationship in between us getting together. And he told me afterwards that he felt instantaneous love for her until he realized that it was me he really wanted.

I'm a huge believer that people can will try to project their feelings onto other things and people. I've done it, and I know others have done it. I'm sincerely hoping that this will be a relationship that does not last.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give it a second thought. I'm going to consider the source of this. I am, however, going to live my life. I have grad school coming up.  I'm not necessarily going to wait around for Trevor, because I do not want to waste my life. I am going to have faith that he will come home. I'm going to date, to live for me for a while. Where that takes me I do not know. But I'm not going to throw my love away for Trevor just because of the idle threats of a jealous slut.

To my blog readers-- thank you. Thank you for reading my thoughts, however repetitive they might be, and for helping me to make sense of them. Thank you for not making me think that I'm crazy for loving someone so deeply, so painfully even when that man is not with me.

Going to go by myself a copy of The Notebook because more than one person, including my dahling Twinsie, has commented that our relationship resembles the movie, right down to the class divide that separates us.

I'll be back later this evening to read some blogs, and update. I won a blog award, and have yet to announce it nor pass it on to anyone. Stay tuned for that!