Money has always been an issue with Trevor and I. In the beginning, it wasn't. He had a good job, was going to work every day, and we were both paying our bills. Then, something changed. I don't know what it was- possibly his step-sister's suicide. He started having a hard time waking up in the morning; he started staying up all night; he went through job after job basically because he just couldn't get up out of bed every morning.

He lost Job #7, I think, on my birthday last year. I was teaching, making the majority of the money, and thus feeling the largest pressure to make sure that our rent, utilities, car insurance, and both our car payments were paid on time. My savings and checking accounts were swiftly approaching $0. My credit card debt was piling up. With winter coming, I knew that I couldn't pay for heating oil too.  So I gave Trevor an ultimatium: he had a month to find a job, or I was going to ask him to leave. Not to leave me, but to go stay with his mother. I financially couldn't support him anymore.

A month came and went. Trevor would spend most of his time shooting the shit at the fire house or sleeping all day. To my knowledge, he didn't apply for one job. And one Saturday morning, when I had written out another 900 check to the oil man, I walked out to his car and cleaned it out of my things. And I went inside and tried to make him get up.

I'll admit I was frustrated. I was hurt. We got into a huge fight, and he left for his mothers. No one ever said the words "it's over", but I knew he was pissed. The next few weeks were troubling. I had basically no contact with him. When I did, I asked him if we were together, if he loved me, if I went on a date, if that would be cheating. His answer for all of these questions was : "I don't know." He had showed up at the mall with friends, and told his sister (who worked there at the time) that he was "trolling for girls." So, I drove up there with some of his clothes and deposited them on his mother's front porch. He called me as I was hitting the highway, wanting to know what this meant. I said that he obviously thought it was over. I went back there to talk about it, he spent that time holding me and kissing me. He was still mad, but he did love me. Yet, he didn't come home.

After a week or so of no contact, I went into work and Jay was sitting at my table. A friend's brother, we knew each other. I was intrigued by him, since he was much older than he had been when I knew him before his military service. I went out to the bar with them that night, and then on a date with him the next week. I still hadn't talked to Trevor.

Did I sleep with Jay that night? Yes, I did. Do I consider it cheating? I don't know.  He had no answers for me when I had repeatedly asked if we were together. I felt that he was breaking up with me.

The next day I called Trevor to come get his stuff. He discovered a note  Jay had left me on my board, figured out that I was sleeping with someone else, and left. He told everyone that I cheated on him. It broke my heart.

Jay, who had gone through a divorce, knew what I was going through and filled my head with the negatives that I had complained about and those that he heard from mutual friends. I began to villianize Trevor in my mind.

In early January, I realized that I had missed two periods. The one immediately after Trevor and the one with Jay. I called Trevor, and told him that I might be pregnant. His response was that he was in a relationship with someone and that he thought he loved her. I'd like to add here that she was only 15 (he was 20). Luckily, I wasn't pregnant.  I continued to "see" Jarod. We were never in an official relationship, at Jay's request.

In the middle of February, I got an early morning phone call from Trevor who asked me if I had his trumpet. I told him that I did, and that I would bring it to work with me. He showed up during my lunch break, I met him outside, and it was like instant spark. I didn't want to let him leave, and he didn't want to let me go. He hugged me and asked for a kiss. I gave him a chaste one ( I was at work, after all), and he texted me later confessing that he wanted a bigger kiss than that. That he realized at that instant how much he missed and loved me. I started to see both Jay and Trevor-- both of them knew this was going on. Jay was jealous, but couldn't say much since it was at his request that we weren't official. Trevor was extremely jealous. I told Trevor that I couldn't leave Jay until I was sure that Trevor could take care of himself since that was the reason we broke up in the first place.

Things went sour between Jay and I in the middle of March ( I strongly believe because Dogface's husband had left), and Trevor and I started to talk about moving back in together. He started to look at jobs closer to me. Jay & I stopped talking, and Trevor knew that.

In early April, Trevor stayed over for a long weekend. I logged into his Myspace and read some emails between him and another girl. I got jealous, and confronted him about them when I got home that night. He flipped out, told me that I was jealous, and that it was over. I called several times, talked to him for a few times, and realized that he was upset. Trevor takes a long time to get over things. He's stubborn and has no coping skills whatsoever.

And that brings me to where I am now. Missing Trevor, realizing that maybe I should have give it a wholehearted chance....

I didn't cheat on him, even though he thinks I did.