Recyclable Spouses

Once, while Trevor and I discussed getting married, I commented that he better be sure he was absolutely read to say "I do" because I do not believe in divorce (with the exception of extreme cases, such as abuse). I come from a very conservative, Catholic family. My parents have been married for 25+ years, and my grandparents for 50+.  Like any couple, they have their share of arguments. Yet, unlike so many couples today, they stay true to the promises they declared before God, friends, family, and, most importantly, each other.

As I journey further into the world, I realize that my opinion of marriage is antiquated compared to the attitudes others share. For one, I'm sure that everyone who utters the vows wishes it would last forever, but so many people say “if all else fails we’ll get a divorce.” With that type of attitude, how can you expect the marriage to survive? Others look outside the marriage for friendship and sexual enjoyment without trying to foster those in their relationships. The local fire department near me is infamous for affairs between its married members.

I blame this all on the culture of self that pervades our society. It's a culture that demands that "I" must always be happy. Ergo if you do not feel happy about a marriage, or if you desire another, or just get tired of the responsibilities marriage demands, you have the right to.  The culture demands that you cast aside the emotions of your spouse, your paramour, and your children. The Culture of self ignores how relationships aren’t always easy; sometimes you just need to grin and bear it, and even sacrifice some things for the other person. The culture of self demands that everything be easily won, especially romance; it does not want to work with another to trust, forgive, overcome obstacles, and figure out how to live together. In fact, the Culture of self frowns on those that work for their relationships. Those that subscribe to the culture of self believe that they are perfect in their relationships, and their partner should be the same. If their partner is not perfect, clearly that means that you need to abandon it. The school of thought that I come from recognizes that since you make mistakes, you should forgive those of your partner.

My relationship with Trevor wasn't perfect-- we both made mistakes though his were more public than mine. Each time I forgave him, I was confronted by a crowd of narcisstics who clucked their toungues disapprovingly and told me I was stupid for loving him enough to forgive. Ironically, those same people are serial cheaters; some have even been divorced four times. I'm ashamed to admit that I grew to believe that they were right; that there must be something wrong with me for forgiving. I've learned one very important thing since then:

Just because the crowd is all saying the same thing, doesn't mean that it is right.

America is the top "throw away society" in the world. Bombarded with advertising, we have bought into the belief that we ‘deserve’ what we want the moment the desire hits, from the biggest gas-guzzler, to the newest house, to buy now and pay later. We have mortgaged our souls and strayed from the good road. Once, we understood that we must earn the things we desire and we lived with our world in balance, not taking more than necessary, no hoarding, but sharing with those in need. Then we let greed become our new religion. I strongly believe that this consumerism strays into our personal lives as well.

With the state of the environment and economy, there are calls for reform. In order to completely change, we must also extend reform into our personal lives. While we sip from our BPA-free water bottles and  tote our reusable shopping bags packed with our organic groceries out to our Hybrid cars, we should consider doing the same for our spouses.