Supposse I said I wanna come back home...

Dear Trevor*,

I recently took a quiz that asked me to reflect on what in the past year I regret the most.

What instantly popped up in my head was the last time you stayed with me at my new apartment. You stayed behind to have dinner with me, and while at work that day, I logged into your Myspace account. I knew that this was something you really hated. Yet that sort of cybersnooping, however wrong, is my way of proving to myself that I can trust you. My trust in you ( and vice versa, I’m sure) was damaged in the whole break up process…I was trying to regain it back. I read a few emails between you and a girl, and got angry. I went home to confront you, and you said it was 100% over.

I regret confronting you and going on your myspace in the first place. I was still seeing Jay* at the time, a fact that I was very open with you about. I was afraid to break things off with Jay because I didn’t know if you had really changed. Therefore, I had no right to attack you about talking to another girl online.

I miss you, Trevor. So much that it takes my breath away when I look at pictures of us, or the three animals we share, or visit places that we went to together – Rocky Neck Beach; Hampton Beach; Colt State Park, our apartment in Thompson and Quinebaug. I miss your family, who I loved, better or worse, as if they were mine. The cold side of the bed affects me—I haven’t slept a full night in my bed since you left. I miss laying in bed with you, watching Tv and eating pizza. I miss you holding me at night, one hand on my stomach as a promise of the children we both want to have. I miss your smell—I miss the Mt. Dew cans littered on the bedroom floor. I miss your little “tin can car” in my driveway.

Things weren’t great,but we shared a great love. We made a lot of mistakes young couples make—living beyond our means, expecting too much from the other. Maybe we need to spend time apart to both mature to the point where we can stand on our two feet (me, emotionally, and you, financially). I have seen so many movies, and heard so many stories about lovers who broke apart, and found each other years down the road. I sincerely hope that is true for us because you are the ONLY one I have ever wanted to marry and have children with. I have had such trouble dating because I gave you my heart a long time ago. What do I have left to give another?

It's funny, Tigger, but I think I love you more than I do the day that you left. Why? Because I know now exactly what I lost.

While I know I should be patient and wait for the perfect time, I can't help but feel this sense of panic. Every lonely heartbeat, every jagged breath moves the day til it becomes part of the seemingly endless stream of days without you. I'm scared of slipping into the raging river of time, leaving barely a ripple in your memory and heart.

I know that you are dating, Molly* has filled me in on your newest girlfriend. But she also says that you find a way to bring the conversation ‘round to me, the same that I do when I talk to her. It gives me hope that maybe your heart is still within my grasp.

Love,

Aurora