I' m now back at work, well into my second day. So far, my students are wonderful, with the exception of an 8th grade group of students that were chatty last year-- they are going to be chatty again this year, apparently.
I am actually excited to be back at work. I am such a routine person; I like to wake up, eat, work out, and go to bed at the exact same time. With summer being here, every thing is all discombobulated, and I tend to fall apart a little bit. I slack off in certain areas, especially weight management.
I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I was heavy child that turned into a heavier teen. At 17, I started Weight Watchers with the objective to fit into my senior prom dress. I was 255 lbs. I continued my journey throughout college, reaching my lowest weight of 155 lbs. I started working for Weight Watchers as a receptionists as an incentive to keep my weight off.
Right around that time, I met Trevor, and started to slack off. Not intentionally, of course, but as a young couple struggling to make it, we had very little money. Trevor had SUCH food aversions that I had to make the decision to buy the more expensive yet healthier food for me, or the cheaper, yet nutritionally devoid food for him. My weight started to creep back on. I also was happy—he loved my body, told me so all the time. I no longer felt horrible about the way that I looked, and shrugged when my sizes started to slowly creep back up.
After our “divorce” and the subsequent toxic relationship with Jay in addition to the abortion he demanded I have, my weight has crept back. I am, at last weigh in 3 weeks ago, back over the 200 lb mark. Weight Watchers let me go because I was no longer a model for their program. I hate that. I hate my body. I hate looking in the mirror at what I did to myself. My weight is contributing to the problems I have with depression because I am angry at myself. Losing the 100 lbs was the biggest accomplishment of my life, and I blew it, like I blew my relationship with Trevor and my dream job (more on that later.)
I still feel like I’m 155 lbs. I’m not going to lie, I’m vain. I enjoy wearing makeup, the cutest shoes, and the most fashionable, reasonably priced clothes. I love the stares that I used to get from guys because, at my thinnest, I am hot—big boobs, hourglass figure, big green eyes, and long blond hair that curls naturally into the Cosmopolitan hairdo. Yea, that’s me. I love walking into any clothing store and finding clothes that fit. I love fitting into the expensive riding gear I bought with hard-earned money. I love seeing the desire darken my boyfriend’s eyes. I don’t get that much anymore.
Please don’t get me wrong—I am not putting down anyone who struggles with their weight because I know exactly how hard it is. I am not critical of ANYONE who is overweight. I am saying that I, Aurora, am unhappy with the way that I look because I prefer to be thinner, for my own health. I have asthma and sleep apnea, in addition to a high family risk for diabetes.
I have a choice. I have a choice to continue to slide back to become what I used to be, or take a stand. I’m choosing to fight. I thought of this yesterday on the way home from the doctor’s. I will fight to win back the people I love, why can’t I fight for something I can control?
I go back to Weight Watchers this afternoon, at 4:15. I will let you all know exactly what I weigh, and will be posting my weights after every weigh in. I need that accountability, and I thank you for providing me with it.
So, dear Reader, have you ever struggled with weight?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
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6 comments:
Wow! I was breathless after reading this. I love your honesty! I was a super thin teenager because I danced 6 days a week. When I started college, everything sort of went down-hill. At my biggest I was a size 10 and weighed about 155 pounds (I am only 5'3). Then I started eating healthier and some of the weight came off and I dropped to a size 8. The end of my 4 year relationship brought me down even further in 2008. Then I started dating DD and he is obsessed with fitness. His "porn" is looking at pics of really muscular, body builder type women. That will NEVER be me, but I realized that I had never tried working out since quitting dance all that time ago. I worked out all summer and now everyone can't stop saying how "thin" I am. It is great motivation to keep going.
I guess what this super long comment (sorry!) is trying to say is to hang in there and keep trying. If I can do it, so can you and if you need accountability I am here for you girl!
Honestly Twins, this is another place where we are polar opposites. I feel healthier and happier now than when I was in college. When I get depressed, I don't eat... in college I ate one meal a day and worked out 3 hours a night to escape psycho roommate Jenn. I may have been down to a size 10 but I was miserable. I never have/never will be interested in clothes shoes and makeup... just not my thing, ya know. I'm much more interested in cooking gadgets (and cooking a gourmet meal to me is like creating a work of art.) I don't care if my love of cooking or eating dosen't fit with society... I feel more confident in my own skin and have much more self-acceptance now too. I could keep going on and on, but just remember that you should keep your goals of to keep YOU happy and better YOUR life and tell everyone else to go f*ck themselves.... because what you do should be for you and not so some dog can grovel at you like a piece of meat.
*steps of feminist soapbox*
Camile- No problem with the long comments & thank you for being my accountability buddy.
Twinsie- I was my happiest in college. I don't enjoy gourmet foods, and I do a sport (horseback riding) that its easier to do as a smaller size.
And I'm not doing it so i can be a stripper or for the pleasure of certain men. I'm doing it because I like looking good. Secondary is the fact that i like when men look at me.
"And I'm not doing it so i can be a stripper or for the pleasure of certain men. I'm doing it because I like looking good. Secondary is the fact that i like when men look at me."
Good!!! :) Ya need to take care of yourself FOR yourself darling!
I've been a yo-yoer since my mom taught me how to diet. Hmmm... maybe that's my problem, heh. Anyway, I've recently been thinking about trying to lose some weight again. Being smaller would be good for my knees, which got seriously wrecked during cheeleading in high school. Best of luck with your endeavors!
Recently, I have decided that I'm extremely unhappy with my body. I'm working hard on changing my habits, and, like you, my current BF isn't exactly all about the health food. But, I have told him my goals and he's been supportive of me.
I joined sparkpeople.com. It's helped me bc I'm still not comfortable sharing my goals with "real life people". I strongly recommend the site. Especially in conjunction with anything else you are doing. Good luck. And please keep us (me) posted!
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